My life was not incomplete before.
I had a picture perfect house,a loving husband,a supportive family and an ideal job. The last one sounds like an exaggeration,but I was happy with my job. It gave me the independence to take the right decision whenever required. But,it looks like the human being is never satisfied. Among all the happiness and bliss,loneliness was the only serpent in Eden which used to bother me really bad at times.What could fill the hours of solitude,I had no clear idea. Feeling restless and irritated,I used to engage myself into something creative. Reading and writing were two escape routes for me,which could make me forget about the rest of the world.
In this situation,the news of my pregnancy was the most unexpected thing. I don't say I was not ready for it,but it took some time for me to digest the news. At the same time, a cold fear turned my heart into an ice blob.I don't know how many people are aware of the fact that I have lost a baby before and have gone through a great tormenting episode. The first thing came into my mind after realizing the fact is, "I have to be careful this time".
After informing my hubby,second thing I said, "I want to avail the best medical facility in Bangalore. This time,no place for trial and error." Well,things are not that easy like it sounds. We had nobody to take care of mine,plus my job was of demanding nature. But little I realized, those tiny pink lines on the pregnancy test kit is going to alter the entire course of my life! We informed our family in a composed manner. They took the news readily,but without any outburst. I could read their mind from here. The pain nobody is going to go through again. baby,u need to be very careful!
Selecting a doctor is the toughest job in case of pregnancy. I don't know why,now a days most of the pregnancies seem to be easy at the beginning,but most of them end up in emergency c-section. I already had some complications. We chose the hospital carefully,we got no chance of making mistakes. I didn't have the courage left to go through the trauma again.
When I met my doctor and explained everything,she looked grave. But she's the one who stood by my side in the entire journey. I sincerely thank god for sending her for me,I wouldn't come alive if she wasn't there. She carefully explained the nature of risks, made us aware about all the pros and cons. Finally she asked, "What do you think,you are ready for it"? I looked into her eyes and said, "Tell me what I have to do". Yes,that was the moment. We shook hands and started an otherwise impossible journey together.
The changes were inevitable. The rest,the diet,the exercises,the routine.sometimes I felt completely lost,sometimes it was like losing my original self. The things I never imagined to do came easily to me. I had to sacrifice many favorite things. I had to leave my job also,as I was advised complete bed rest.But surprisingly,I didn't feel anything while signing my final settlement. Now I wonder,how a tiny life inside me gave me the immense power to stand against all the odds!
From the beginning only I knew,my girl who left me previously is coming back to me. It seemed quite uncanny to my hubby,when I used to address the baby with a name and talk to her.even he started to think that may be I am not fully out of the previous trauma,that's why I am behaving weird. But one visit to my doctor cleared all the doubts. He started believing in my words from then. The sudden fluttery kicks and mini somersaults used to fill my heart with an untasted wave of warmth and joy.I became extremely cautious. I started sleeping early,getting up turning on my sides,never rushing,never bending- almost a quite opposite of me!
As days progressed,things became more and more difficult. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, childbirth related hypertension, carpel tunnel syndrome and many more complications. Doctor already told me,this episode is not going to be pleasant. But with each passing day it was even more tiring,even more painful. My diet was strict,my movements controlled,I was only counting each days to meet my baby at the end.
By 36th week,all hell broke loose. I went for a regular check up but doctor saw some signs of preecalmpsia and became alarmed. I was put under observation. At the end of 9th month, doctor couldn't take any chance anymore. I was in a bad shape. Baby was fine but chances for me to survive was slipping away from my hand.
15th December, 2014.
I will never forget this date. My labor was induced but the baby was not in a mood to come out. May be she guessed the hostile situation outside,well in advance. Such a dark night have never come in my life. I am writhing in pain,nurse coming and giving cold compress,tired hubby almost collapsed on the floor and sleeping like a corpse.I never felt so lonely and helpless in my life. Somewhere I read,before extinguishing,the candle flickers more. May be it was the same way.Whole night I kept chanting prayers and talking to my baby,that soon we are going to see each other,just one more push,just one more.
Next morning,when the doctor came,I almost passed out cold. She couldn't wait any more and decided an emergency surgery. When they were preparing me for it,I got a glimpse of my hubby's face. That was completely white in fear,every hair it sticking out on head,he never looked so terrified. Among all the pain,I felt so bad for him.he almost came running after me when they were wheeling me inside the OT.I clutched his hand once,but then it was slowly separated from him and the metal door banged shut on his face.
After anesthesia,everything seemed blissful.No pain,only void under the rib cage. I couldn't see what's going on near my tummy.may be some more waiting.suddenly a shrill cry pierced our ears,with the triumphant announcement from my doctor, " You have got a beautiful baby girl,my dear.congratulations!"
All the tension and pent-up anxieties for 9 months got dissolved at one moment.Big drops of tears started running down my cheeks.Finally,the part of my soul,my Diya has returned back to me! Yes,that's what I called her from Day 1. When they gave her to me for few seconds,I kissed her and told in her ear, "Welcome back,Diya.this time I am not letting you to go."
May be that was my last word,after this everything became blank,a white haze came in front of my eyes.I could hear the frantic sounds of people in the OT,but nothing else.the green curtain from my face was removed,I saw blood everywhere and a screaming monitor showing drastically dropping heart rate and BP.
It involved some more struggle and by the time I was back,Diya was shifted to NICU. Doctor needed to keep her under observation. She was doing fine,next day only they gave her back to me and I was back from hospital after 5 days.
Now if I think about that night of struggle and loneliness,I never feel sad anymore. My loneliness has come to an end. At 5 months and 2 weeks,Diya is growing faster and learning a new thing everyday. She has taken away my heart along with all the sadness in it. She has filled my life with a brightness I never experienced. Now all the days are filled with fun,delight and happiness. With her,I was reborn.as a better human being,as a mother.
