I am a girl who comes from an Indian Muslim family. My people at home are not really conservative, they are modern in their own ways but are extremely religious. Right now, I am just so grateful to the supernatural existence that we call God, for what I am and for my constant thirst to get my questions answered. I am glad that my brother is younger to me, so that he can just NOT dominate me or be possessive about me.
Since my childhood, I have been very attached to my mother, and I believed everything that she had to say. I always followed whatever she taught me, without a single question. She is a very religious and God-fearing lady. In her company, I became a very religious child too. Though I am very rebellious, she really knew how to handle me and keep me sober. I used to recite my prayers regularly, and would never leave the house without reciting the verses of our holy book. However, I always had this question pricking me that as to why doesn't everyone believe in one God. Why are there so many Gods?
I used to fight with my non-muslim friends that their God is fake and my God is true. I think we all did that as kids. But gradually, as I started growing up, I started visiting the church near my school and sat in the parish praying to Jesus, as though he was present right in front of me and we were having a one-to-one conversation. The church was so huge and peaceful, and its ambiance did make me feel very calm. I used to even drag another Muslim friend of mine along with me there.
But one day, somebody complained at my place that they have seen me in the church quiet often, and the thrashing that I got was a complete nightmare. Of course, I had to stop going there. By the time I was about to complete my schooling, I became really doubtful whether there is really a God, and if so, how the hell can he manage to pay attention to every individual; I mean, we don't just have living beings in Mumbai, or Maharashtra, or India, there are freaking so many countries out there.
Now, when I stepped into a minority college (non-Muslim), the people out there were not at all welcoming. Most of them did not like me for my outspoken nature, my caste, or my Indian attire. I used to feel really isolated and used to keep wondering what is wrong with these people, or is it just that I am weird. I was in a constant war with myself. Everyday I had to battle with myself to go to college. But, I did manage to make some really good friends. I started to bunk lectures, because I could not understand what the teachers used to teach; it used to go complete bonkers. But, I did study and research on subjects and always was amongst the toppers, scoring more than most of the regular students. So hey, now people had yet another new reason to hate me. This used to really bother me, the feeling of isolation with so much crowd around brings down one's self esteem considerably. But with time, I started to think differently that probably they are not my kind of people and I shouldn't really care.
This was not just limited to the outside world, but even at home. I was against Bakri-Eid; why have we to sacrifice animals and feast on them, I mean this is so ruthless. I gave up on my non-veg appetite. I was always asked to perform tauba (asking God for forgiveness for acting like an athiest) by my family. I just did not like my female cousins 'coz all they would talk about was either people or fashion. I hate people who gossip, so again I was the odd man out here as well. I love to talk about ideas, and apparently there was only one uncle who could understand this. He was my best friend and companion, and I could literally spend hours talking to him.
Most of the things are taboo (prohibited) in my religion, but I think life is just once and we should try everything. I wanted to do all the crazy,stupid things. I wanted to scream, go bunjee-jumping, take risks and not be safe all the time, perform stunts, fall in love, cry out loud, play pranks, smoke, drink, have fun, get a tattoo and piercing, dance, and the list won't just end. Everyone thought that I am crazy and I thought likewise too for a very long time. I constantly doubted myself.
My questions about God, my aggressive nature, and aspirations made my family go nuts. However, I kept fighting for everything I wanted. When I started to read Chariots of God and Quantum Theory, I started to get agonist.
However, over time, I realized that it is all about karma. As long as I am good to others and myself and not harming anyone, why would I be considered bad? I should just do the right and have the spine to stand up for my principles. It is not really possible to fight with the world and explain them what you think and why you do the things you do. Sometimes, it is better to keep quiet and continue with what you belief is right. If there is a God, he is a loving God and won't punish me just because I have questions. I am brought to this world to explore and find out things. Just by accepting by whatever is asked from you is very incorrect. One should not settle for anything but the best. It is being coward in agreeing to whatever is imposed; how can people be complacent? There is a huge world to explore, if you don't have questions, you will stay wherever you are and never grow up.
Don't draw boundaries, be thirsty and aggressive, find answers. My family and close friends now accept and love me the way I am, and I know that they will always stay with me no matter what. People who leave, my destiny is not bound to them. If I can fight and make the right people understand me and let me live the way I want, anyone can. And it's great to finally understand that I am not weird, I am just different ;)
