May 10, 2007 04:26 PM
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PRESKRYPT: The following piece of material is the 3rd and final installment of The Krypt’s “Krypticism” trilogy. At this juncture, he wud like to make it clear that he would not be responsible for whatever ur state of mind is, by the end of the review.
LIVE.
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“Satan’s Hell In Transition”: Some background info…
Satan’s Hell In Transition is a society present in Hell, founded way back in 666BC, by a trio that liked to call itself “The 3 Mosquitoes”. It comprised Mr. Me-Hate-Clothes(joint ancestor of Salman Khan and Mallika Sherawat), Mr. Me-Not-Man-But-Me-Not-Woman(ancestor of Karan Johar) and lastly, Mr…. Satan(Still single and ready to mingle. Any takers for a guy who’s face bears an uncanny resemblance to a baboon’s rear?). Back to the society.
Satan’s Hell In Transition’s primary aim is to protect n nourish Hell’s brilliantly ridiculous culture. It also presides over many sub-societies, covering a variety of subjects right from films to books to music to, of course…. Ads.
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Scene 1: The fires’re burnin high in Hell. Its quite tranquil barrin those frequent splashes one hears wen a new entrant to Hell falls from the surface of the earth ryt into wot they call “The Boiling Pot”. A skeleton n a long-bearded, super frail man’re walkin away from a building from which dangles a hoardin announcing the name of the building: “Satan’s Hell In Transition’s: Satan’s Truly, Inconceivably Nonsensical Commercials’ Society”- the abbreviation of which is too rude for The Krypt to mention(n use henceforth in this revu).
Frail Man(shakes head): I still cant believe they gave ur idea a thumbs up, Krypt.
The Krypt: Aww.come on Nozzie, u know it was-
FM(teeth gritted): I-told-u-Krypt-to-call-me-by-my-REAL-name. Nostradamus. PROPHET Nostradamus.
TK: ahh.ok.sorry, Nozzie. Anyways, as The Krypt was sayin, his idea was damn awesome, man. Listen to it properly n u’ll see the depth of it.
Nozzie(sighs: Ok.narrate it again.
TK: Sure, Noz-
N: NOSTRADAMUS, dammit!
TK(shruggin): Ok, so here’s the thing. Its felicitation time for the soldiers n they’re callin out their names. Then they name the guy who won the highest award n ask him to give a thank u speech. He turns to the camera, flashes a wide grin, his teeth sparkle n he says, “the secret of my success is…”, he thrusts a toothpaste cover in fronta the camera, “TOLLGATE toothpaste. Daaton ki raksha, desh ki suraksha.(Protection for thine teeth is protection for thine country)”…( The Krypt wipes a tear comin outta his [empty] eye socket).beautiful, isn’t it?
N(shocked): That’s nonsense, Krypt! How can a guy win a war cozuva toothpaste?
TK: Nozzie, Nozzie.look at it from the inside. He used tollgate which fights germs 24 hrs a day.
N: so?
TK: SO?.ok, imagine he DOESN use tollgate. He’d’ve had to go to the dentist. Wot if the dentist’d fixed an appointment on the day of the war, huh? He wudn’ve fought! He wudn’ve won that award! Think deep, Nozzie, think deep.
N: I still say that’s nonsense, Krypt.
TK: tell u wot? You call THIS crap? Ok. Follow The Krypt.
N: where to?
TK: Ur a prophet, aint u? u predict.
N: Ok.knowing u, Krypt, I can safely say that we’re goin anywhere- I repeat, ANYWHERE- but to ur place.
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Scene 2: The Krypt’s place. Nozzie follows The Krypt into a room with a big screen plasma tv(oh yeah. The Krypt’s got style). The Krypt grabs the remote of the projector n lays down his pelvic girdle on the comfortable, spiked sofa. Nozzie follows suit.
TK: U called HIS revu crappy, didn u? now take a look at these ones. U’ll kno wot crappy means, then.(Nozzie almost opens his mouth but The Krypt grabs hold of the remote n presses the “Shut The Hell Up N Freeze” button. Nozzie freezes. Its amazing how closely he resembles a broom with all that hair n that lean frame, The Krypt muses. The Krypt turns towards u. yeah YOU- the one who’s reading this revu. Or rather this extra-long…intro [pervert, u!].) Ok, while Nozzie’s frozen- sad, he cudn see it comin- The Krypt’s gonna tell u how this revu’s gonna work. He’s gonna name the 5most dangerous-to-sanity ads that ever graced that tv screena urs. He’s gonna name them in random order coz each’s as thotfully dumb as the other. And-(nozzie twitches- sorta like how u’d twitch wen summa that nice, warm “good-luck” fluid falls from a bird abouve, onto ur head). Oops! Ok he’s gonna wake Nozzie up now. Enjoy folks.(presses “shakey-wakey” button Nozzie stirs. Blinks)
N(resumes like nothing ever happened): uh-huh? Go on, Krypt.(raises challenging eyebrow) But I still don’t believe anything cud be as dumb as UR ad.
TK: Trust him or go to hell, Nozboy.(nozzie raises eyebrow).err.heaven.whatever!.now, showtime.
click
1. Emami fairness cream for men: “Hi handsome, hiiii handsome!”
TK: look, Nozzie, wot’re they teachin the kids? That they wont get a job if they’re non-white? That the west shud be aped even in color of skin? But then it also has a moral:always value money.
N: wot? Where does money fit into this?
TK(sighs): deep, Noz, deep! Why waste money on the product when u can always steal it from the girls’ hostel? And the other good point is, u can now sneak intoany she-devils’s hostel n if caught, can jus say, “hey, I was only lookin for a fairness cream!” The Krypt’d tried it too, last week, but it sniff didn work. The clever she-devils pointed out that he had NO skin. sniff Sometimes its bad to be jus a skeleton, Nozzie.
click
*2. Birla Cement
TK: look.jus LOOK! Ridiculous! This moron comes n asks this other moron- some farmer-lookin dud, wot the secret of the strength of the cement is.then the punchline, “Is cement mein….JAAN hai!” U kno, Nozzie, The Krypt actually DOESN kno why he hates the ad. Maybe coz the tagline’s pathetic. Maybe coz that guy spits out “Jaan” n it ends up soundin like “JHHAAN” or summin. But then, noz? It just myt be a code.
N: Code? Wot code?
TK: Remember that super-strong hellion, John Cuckoohead? Who reigned over “Satan’s Hell In Transition’s: Fighting, Annihilation Championship Enterprise”, which can be abbreviated as-
N: Thou shalt NOT utter vile utterings, Krypt!
TK: Ah well.that guy suddenly disappeared, remember? Maybe the tagline was a coded for of “ Is cement mein…JOHN hai!” Maybe THAT’s y its so strong. Huh, Noz?
click
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