May 25, 2007 07:49 PM
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PRESKRYPT: This review continues from where The Krypt’s previous review, which crunched some abysmal numbers(yeah, he just admitted that; yeah, he doesn mind talking about his failures; yeah, for that, he can also be called “Saint Krypt”; yeah, this thing within the bracket’s getting too long; yeah, he’s gonna end it; yeah, this’s the last one; yeah, he fooled u; yeah, THIS’s the last one; yeah, he fooled u AGAIN…errm.ok, that’s it), left off. It’s an amalgamation of fact and fiction. U decide which’s which. LIVE.
(DISCLAIMER: The following material has been rated PG [Psychiatric Guidance Recommended]. This writer will hold no responsibility should u turn psycho, slump into a depression, start waltzing with nearby cockroaches or, quite plainly, just go nuts.)
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*CIRCA 23rd JULY, 1973
*The Krypt switches off the T.V, stretches his bony arms, gets up and walks over to the window, peerin out aimlessly. The skies were fiery red, it was blazin hot and the roads were well aflame.ahhh. PERFECT weather! He decides to head out for a lil stroll. He walks n he walks. He gets outta Hell’s gates and onto wot’s called the ‘Common Corridor’. He walks past the Gateway To Heaven. St.Peters is positively mortified and slams the gateway shut. The Krypt grins and continues walking. He reaches Hellen(for souls too angelic for Hell but too evil for Heaven), signs his name in the register and enters the Gateway. The place’s fulla beautiful fairies flyin around- with red horns and poisonous fangs. The Krypt recognizes a long bearded, super frail man seated a few yards away on a bencha spikes.
“Hey Nozzie, ” he calls out and sits beside him.
Nozzie shakes his head and sighs, “How many times, Krypt? It’s Nostradamus. PROPHET Nostradamus.” The Krypt shrugs.
They begin chatting. Of angels, of devils, of the Ramsay Brothers’s sickenin make-up artists… suddenly Nozzie freezes, as if in a trance and prophesizes:
“Earth, Heaven, Hell, all constrict,
In fear of the birth of the Evil One today,
Heed Nostradamus’s warning, oh Gods, oh Krypt,
Heed all, for the Dark Lord is on his way…”
He slumps for a coupla seconds, shivers violently and, then, is back to normal.
“Wot?” The Krypt asks, puzzled, “You talking about Lord Voldemort, Nozzie? But it’s only 1973, there’s more’n 2 decades left for Harry Potter to be written! Nozzie, dude, accept it. You’ve lost it, u’re goin bonkers, u’re just-”
“Oh, shut up, Krypt, ” barks Nozzie, “It’s not Voldemort.It’s.It’s someone else.”
The scene freezes. The words “someone else” keep echoing in the air like heartbeats.
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*SAME DAY. A MATERNITY WARD. SOMEWHERE IN BHAWNAGAR, GUJARAT
*Doctors surround the woman in labour pains.
“Its comin, ” shouts one.
The surgeon helps the baby outta the birth canal, with his gloved hands, dangles it upside down and whacks its you-know-what. They all shrink in astonishment as the baby cries not the usual “Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh”, but “Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhnnnnnn”.
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*PRESENT DAY. HELL.
*The Krypt’s comes and stands beside his fiery red Porsche, ready for the journey. He’s dressed to kill. Actually. Wearin a black rubbery jumpsuit(The Krypt’s anti-leather) with sockets and pockets all over the place for weapons, he’s finally gonna get the guy who killed his loved one, recently(there is a pause here. If u dont know WHO the Evil One killed, go read The Krypt’s previous review…. And u thought MouthShut’s the only one who can place ads in between reviews). He opens the back door oh his Porsche(he’s got ze styyyyyyyyle…ok, ok, he knows u know), drops in the weapons, hops into the driver’s seat, pops in the key and with dollops of anticipation, starts. A thousand thoughts rankle his skull, as he thinks about the Evil One he’s gonna erase…
~~~
When veteran Gujarati music director, Vipin Reshammiya, named his son Himesh, he’s no idea he’d just made giants and super-devils go seek refuge in far-away caves, flowers suck the crap outta bees that came to suck their nectar, angels have catfights amongst themselves, tearing each others’s wings. He didn know that far, far away, a mute donkey brayeth.
But then, the devil wasn’t born.he was made.eerie silence
There were, though, several instances, right from childhood, before full-fledged Evilhood, where Himesh flashed his evil side. One very important incident occurred while he was still in school- Hill Grange School, Pedder Road, Mumbai. A coupla seniors called him over to rag him. They asked him to recite the alphabets, reverse. He, scared as he was, complied. Then they asked him to sing… the ambulances rushed to take in the 2 youngsters who were still in a state of shock and fear.
But, the evil flashes, back then, were rare. Even when he joined showbiz, in the early 90s, he was still pretty ok. He started off as a producer on Zee TV. Then went on to do some on DD as well, producing and composing the title songs. One evening, in some celebratory party, the still-not-entirely-evil Himesh met Salman Khan, Bollywood’s answer to Pamela Anderson(.errm…ah, whatever!). Himesh knew wot he had to do. He tried to hypnotize Salman Khan through that old look-into-my-eyes trick. Salman Khan laughed thru it and commented, at the end of it, that his pet dog’s fleas could do it better and went towards the bar. That’s when Himesh sneaked up from behind and cooed into the ear, softly, “Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhnnnnn”. It did the trick. He turned Salman Khan around, the latter was in a deep trance.
“Thou shalt introduce me to Bollywood in ur next film, ” ordered Himesh.
“Yes, master, ” said Salman, robotically…
And so ‘Bandhan’ happened, where Himesh shared the music space with another evil guy called Anand Raj Anand Raj Anand Raj. oh, damn! The Krypt’s sorry- it stops with the second Anand. So, anyway, Salman Khan’s yes-master relationship with Himesh continued and he offered him more films. And with ‘Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya’ in ’98, Himesh finally got noticed. Point to note, Himesh at this point was still part-nice, save the rare evil outbursts. After PKTDK, he got more films and delivered more hits, the biggest of them bein ‘Tere Naam’. However, he was just another NadeemShravan-soundin, everyday music director. Nothing big.
And then, ‘Aashiq Banaya Aapne’ happened.
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