Confession: I was never married, and won't get ever, thanks to these sentences below.
Bumper sticker seen on a cookie delivery truck:"Driver carries no money; he's married."
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Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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Marriage is like taking a hot bath.After you've been in it for a while...it isn't so hot.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Did you ever notice that when you fall in love, you sink into his arms? But after the wedding your arms are in his sink?
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Marrying for money is the hardest way to get it.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
The husband asks his wife, "Why don't we try different positions tonight?" The wife replies, "That's a good idea ... you stand by the kitchen sink and do the dishes and I'll lay on the sofa and fart."
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and then go to the fridge.
What Every Man Expects in a Wife:
She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.
She NEVER gets a "headache"
What He Usually Gets:
She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model... for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
She has a chronic "headache" 364 days a year.
