If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back,
someone else might need it!!
~~~~~
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
~~~~~
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~~~~~
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
~~~~~
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
~~~~~
You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!
~~~~~
Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"
~~~~~
Never criticize your wife's faults.
It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.
~~~~~
For Sale: One computer slightly used. One bullet hole in screen.
~~~~~
If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?
~~~~~
What's the speed of dark?
~~~~~
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
~~~~~
It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.
~~~~~
I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.
~~~~~
At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex.
~~~~~
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.
~~~~~
"It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."
~~~~~
Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."
~~~~~
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?
~~~~~
The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"
~~~~~
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
~~~~~
Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.
~~~~~
Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~~~~~
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
~~~~~
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
~~~~~
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
~~~~~
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
~~~~~
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
~~~~~
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
~~~~~
The 50-50-90 Rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
~~~~~
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
~~~~~
You can't have everything - where would you put it?
~~~~~
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
~~~~~
The things that come to those that wait
may be the things left by those who got there first.
~~~~~
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
~~~~~
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
~~~~~
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
~~~~~
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.
~~~~~
When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.
~~~~~
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
~~~~~
T-Shirts Slogans
If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going
(Seen on a "well-tattooed" man): No, It Doesn't Hurt
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
