A father camehome from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" heasked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get thecash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone,Mr Burns from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!~~~~~
The Perfect Man
AuthorUnknown
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
~~~~~
Q. What is the definition of divorce?
A. The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
~~~~~
If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...
go to lunch or the movies?
~~~~~
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , "Aren't you afraid that hemay indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back andhaunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old creep dig. I had him buried upside down.~~~~~
My wife and I have the secret to making amarriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a littlewine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Wealso sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
~~~~~
TheFirst Husband
The grief-strickenman threw himself across the grave and cried bitterly. "My life, howsenseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. Ifonly you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you fromthis world, how different everything would have been."
A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he offered aprayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this moundof earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man."It's my wife's first husband!"
~~~~~
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% ofher intelligence?
A. Divorced
