Definition of Divorce: Thefuture tense of marriage.
"Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact thatwe're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."
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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Floridalemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in pickinglemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced threetimes."
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90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness wasuntil I got married; and then it was too late."
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
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Did You Know?
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
My soon-to-be ex-husband brought his girlfriendto divorce court this week. I guess they figured she might as well know what toexpect.
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A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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They need a new line of greeting cards just for divorce...
Front of card would say..."Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder..." Then you open the card and inside it would say: "What the #(#$($ was I thinking?"or
Front of card would say: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...". Then you open the card and it says: "that you're not here to ruin it for me." ~~~~~
A man wanted todetermine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So hedecided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each oneon the other'sbehavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specificbehavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
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We were very happily married for eight months.
Unfortunately, we were married for ten years!
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
