Nowhere to Run!!. Review on Tum Bin Jaoon Kahan

Can you visualise subjects as varied as romance, planchettes, ghosts, re-birth, re-incarnations, warlocks & witches, family story, weddings, plots & counter-plots all packaged together as a single TV serial? If you can... you are Aruna Irani & the serial is Tum Bin Jaoon Kahaan ( referred to as TBJK hereafter).

There was love...

We have two love birds Aryan & Muskaan madly in love with each other & about to get married. Then as is normal in any serial which aims at crossing 200th episode mark - one of them dies. It is the lady love Muskaan. I can guess... the hero came cheaper :)

There was a Communication Gap...

Our never-say-give-up hero Aryan communicates with his dead lovers spirit using a planchette & coaxes her into taking a re-birth. No matter that he would be in his 50s by the time the re-born Muskaan would reach the marriage age! Now as all long over-stretched like spandex love stories go the telephone line... err sorry the planchette goes hay-wire. And all that Aryan is able to deduce is - Rukhaavat ke liye kedh hain (Sorry for the interruption).

In the mean time Muskaans spirit takes re-birth as a girl Kushi in Omkareshwar. The only clue given to the hero is the house has a 'garden in the front'. I think that would mean some 50% of the houses even in Jhumri Talaiyya!. But don't worry the hero doesn't find her. But seriously... what could he do even if he did find her? help change her nappies?

Time to get some counselling...

Now... step in the sipritual experts or rather experts of the paranormal world. Guruji(warlock) Vs. Guruma(witch). Volumes can be written about these two very complex abnormal characters... but for the paucity of MS space & your patience, I would try to keep my keyboard tied.

Guruji

At the outset he appears to be a male model (Lalith Kumar?) trying to market Surf washing powder or a man frustrated with barbers & blade companies. But wait ...there is more to him. He is the Guru whose counsel is sought by all be it fixing marriage dates or even mundane matters like 'what is the best Muhurat to visit the loo... Guruji?'

70% of his time is spent blabbering to himself & others 'Kuch HoneWala hain...Kuch Honewala Hain...' (Something bads gonna happen). But if you are a regular soap watcher like me... you know it better; nothing much is likely to happen for the next 6-7 episodes :-)

Remember... he is the one clairvoyant who can forsee who will marry whom... who will take re-birth where etc. etc. And Ye imbeciles never ask... then how come he lives in a dilapidated Kali temple, when given his soothsaying prowess he could as well have been the third winner of 'Kaun Banega Karodpathi' (Who wants to be a millionaire). Thinking is strictly forbidden while watching a Aruna Irani soap.

The most funniest moments of the serial are the exchanges between Guruji & Kushis Grandpa - which repeats episode after episode like a stuck gramophone(pray someone be kind to enlighten me as to who this gentleman is?)

Granpa : Guruji... aap humse avashya kuch chupa rahe hain Guruji. Kushi ki iss bartaav ka rraz kya hai Guruji? Kuch to hai... Guruji ( in an accent reminiscent of Sonia Gandhi reading Hindi-election speech written in the English alphabet)

Guruji : Uss baath ko bathaane se kya faayda... jis ko thum badal nahin sakthe ( it would have been easier if he just confessed... I $#@& don't know! But no... mind you he is know-all smartass Guruji)

Still unable to suppress those cranky neurons from sputtering disbelief all over the place under your about-to-explode-like-a-pressure-cooker cranium? Hold your breath, calm your uneasy self & chant deeply....GurrruMmaa...

It's a crone... no it's a hag... It's GURUMA! (with due apologies to the creator of Superman)

If Guruji is Gandalf the white, Guruma is Saruman the black in this desi 'laard off the rings'. The battle of the sexes reaches it's epitome running parallel to the Kushi playing a re-mix of Poltergeiest, Excorcist & Omen movies on the small screen to Aryans new-found love & wife Durga.

I think some 20 episodes were dedicated to Guruma, Durgas sister & Kushi plotting to prevent Durga from sleeping with Aryan! With every move by Aryan to enjoy conjugal bliss portrayed as calamitous as the warning signs of an impending Ice Age. Well... Durga continues to be the Iron Maiden for full 40 days till almost Aryan threatens to leave her... falling prey to his unsuppressable libido... (eww! just what kind of things do these family serials show?)

(And I didn't count 30 or so episodes where these Charlies Angels tried to prevent Durga from marrying Aryan!)

Then for reasons known only to herself (and probably GuruMas-Ma Aruna) she did a vanishing act from the serial without leaving any traces. This while I was thinking that Guruji & Guru-Ma will fall in love, forget Kushi & get a life!

So sad Aruna-ji has stolen from us a chance to see Guru-Santhaans (Guru-kids) dance to the tune of 'Dhee Dhim Tana na na Dhim'' ( refered to as D2TN2D)

No review on this serial would be complete without the mention of D2TN2D holy tune which plays like every 2 minutes! There are rumors ranging from it being an exact reproduction of the cosmic sound generated during Big-Bang to it being a re-mix of Komolika 'Dheem ta na na Dheem... Nikka' tune in one of the Ektaa Kapoor serials.

Then the writer got Trashed...

Faster than the Superman can change from Suits to Spandex... Kushi turns from 666 in Omen to Christopher Walken in 'Dead-Zone'! She can see the past, future and probably the present too of any person by touching things belonging to him/her.

According to Guruji... she (and only she) can decide to either let things happen or change them. Which incidently proves right when she allows Durga to die in a freak car accident. Hey don't waste any glycerines on dead Durga... knowing Arunaji she will re-surface with a changed face soon all thanks to most never ending miracles of plastic surgery in modern Hindi serials.

After a couple of years later... Kushi has become some 12 years old. Muskaans sister has become pregnant from Kushis uncles son who is about to marry Aryans sister... and Gurujis own daughter is about to marry Aryans homely-friend... who was involved in a murder plot.

But the infallibility of Gurujis predictions proves wrong when Kushi couldn't prevent a murder from happening (being just a Christopher Walken now ). But didn't we all know he was some cheap snake-oil dealing hack all the time?

And the love is ever-lasting... ( at least I think this serial is!)

At the rate Aruna-ji is watching & adapting from novels & Hollywood movies ... I am pretty sure this serial will not end even if I am done with my remaining 6-7 births/re-births.

As the title TBJK suggests there is no other place to go besides the small screen for failed ex-actresses like Arun Irani... and it's our karma to bear them