If I had to give tips on hostel life I would say ''Don't be like me'' ;)
Padaai karo Betaa ( Read well my son)
This was what my Mom told me when I joined the Hostel; with a pitiful look as if I were a gladiator about to face hungry lions bare handed in the amphitheaters of ancient Rome.
Me... secretly being happy that... I was finally becoming FREE from the disciplined environs of my home... though still holding on to that grim look...
''Khel..Khood... Ladkhiyon ke chakkar mein math aana... Boori Aadhathon se dhoor hi rehna...'' ( Stay away from too much extra-curricular activities.... girls... and keep aloof from the vices )... me nodding my head in total agreement.
Once she left... I jumped so high that I nearly hit the ceiling :))
Style Bhai...?
Chapter 2... ''Chalo yaar thoda engine-oil lagake aathe hain'' ( Lets get our engines oiled...)... a few newer friends invited me.
What??? ''Beta... Thum ne duniyaa kya dekhi hai.. Aaj thume hum dikhayenge...'' ( Boy... what have you seen ... we will show you the real world) and I nearly got dragged to a dingy place with the board '... Liquor Bar' screaming at me.
It was so dark inside that we could barely see each other. When the waiter came to our table my friends started strange incantations in some coded language... KF, UB , McDowell... etc. I had no idea what to order [ all the while suppressing my urge to run away ].
Seeing my confusion & predicament... a senior advised ''UB chilled beer'' is a nice way to start [ for starters like me ]. I had no choice but to nod in agreement.
Let me confess that I barely managed to finish my first drink [ actually sharing with another guy... but still...] and it was tasting like ...' Horse Piss' [ A poetic licence ]
Before I knew it, I graduated into whiskey, rum, vodka, white rum, gin, whatever... the quantity consumed also was showing an exponential growth... a peg, two, quarter, half...
It almost became a habit & nearly became an alcoholic... Had a tough time to reduce & finally give up [ without any professional help].
Now I have become a teetotaller... I don't touch any drinks :(
[ I have nothing against people who drink... but I find it difficult to keep moderation... So have avoided it all together ]
Dum Maro... Dum... ( Have a smoke?)
Here I was lucky... the first time I tried... it was 'Prathama chumbanam Dantha Bhagnam' (the girl whom I made first passes at had King Kong of a brother...)
My guru senior who had permanent resident status in hostel... having joined it before I completed my high-school... gave a shudh(pure) Desi Beedi ( poor mans cigars)...
I asked him 'Isn't there a lighter way to start?'... and he said 'Maarna hai tho Sher babbar ko maaro... Billi kyaa kaakh maroge?' [ Kill the Lion my man... why kill alley cats?]
One puff & I was searching for the rest room... actually running... unable to control puking. It tasted so strong & straight out of Hell.
From that day on... when I get the offer 'Care for a smoke'... hehehe...'No Thanks...'. I still thank that senior.
[ I have nothing against smokers. But it is a fact that smoking causes lung problems & even cancer. You also endanger the lives of those you love & love you... as 'Passive Smoking' is several time more hazardous than actual smoking...]
Drugs... Thouba... Thouba...
Since I heard people cannot get out of Drug addictions... never tried that... though I knew a few guys who smoked 'Grass' ( Gaanja)...
Never found the guts & even today I consider myself lucky for my decision.
Sheher ki ladki... (Girlz)
Being from an all boyz school... initially it looked cool to make passes... but a few dirty looks...
They are also human beings. They have also come to study like us. Let us leave them in peace & keep our houses in order... Don't we feel bad when someone makes cruel comments about us? It may just be fun for us... a few of them may enjoy it... but it is pain in you-know-what for others that dont.
Besides if you are in a Professional course... you have the 'Damocles sword' [ I mean semester exams ] hanging over your head.
Khel... Khoodh... (Extra-curricular activities)
You thought reading books in a library? ;)
Learning hostelite lingo like LHS [ Ladies Hostel Side], KLPD [--- translation yanked off by MS ---], KL2PD2 [ --- you are one step away from being Flagged --]... I will stop it here...
Being as lazy as our Municipalities... I had an arrangement with my room mate... he would keep the room clean while... I took care of exterminating vagrant Bumble Bees, Honey Bees, Lizards, cockroaches etc. & their disposal. A very good example of Symbiosis ( like an ant & an aphid)
Washing clothes? I had a dhobi (washerman)... actually several on my rolls... changed them as they lost my clothes... By the time I passed out I was almost close to Salman Khan... I mean in clothes :))
Friendly (Fiendly) counsellor? : I had a friend who would fall for a new chick every year. Whenever he [invariably] had a heart-break.. I would advice like Gb (Goutom Budhdha) 'Desire is the main cause of suffering my friend' & like magic he would come out of Depression after some ritual Rona-Dhona (crying).... a few months & a new girl... Saahab-jaadhe (prince?) is back in business... my turn to get into Depression :(
[I swear by the names of all Mouth-Sealed/Mouth-Flagged members that... I was miles away from Girlz ]
Frisbee throwing : We often played it with the dried up Chapathis served to us in our mess... throwing them to dogs with the hope that they would at least eat them... But it turned out that they were smarter & threw them back at us...
Birthday Bumps : An innocent hostelite is reading hard for the exams... 'knock... knock...' on the door 'Kaun??' (who?)... 'Urmila Matondkar... Abbe mein hoon yaar'( Me...)
The door opens. Before the prey realizes it... he gets drenched from head to feet by a bucket full of water poured mercilessly over his head... followed by a shower of nearly rotten eggs & ripe tomatoes... followed by some hard [ friendly?] kicks on the a*s... 'Happy Birthday' ... followed by a cake smuggled in surreptitiously.
'Vivek... Whats your B'day?'... 'Feb 29th'
Padaayeee??? (Studies at last)
Except Maths,computers, Digital Signal Processing, Optical Fibre communications [ where I used to score 95+]... hated all other subjects... especially theory subjects [Pukology]... which I somehow managed to scrape-through.
Now university had 75% attendance requirements... never able to convince myself to attend classes that much... I had an arrangement with a snake-oil quack to get Medical Certificates to prove that I had Migraines, Malaria whatever... which prevented me from attending classes.
After sometime he would hand me the certificates as soon as he saw me entering... I don't know how he got that power of pre-monition of my arrival. [ Being a regular got some discount too ;)]
Ab Aayi baath Samaj mein? (Now I understand??)
Now looking back... I feel I should have been more studious... more hardworking... more attentive... etc. etc.
And should have done.... more extra-curricular activities ;)
Vivek
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I dedicate this review to Ali Hyder who wrote & sung that 'Puraani Jeans...' (My old Jeans) song which made us cry the day we were to finally leave our Heavenly abode... ( yes... despite the messy mess food) to face the real world outside...
Welcome to the Real World...
( Neo lost in Matrix)
