This for you abha, my dear friend and mom to be, for sumit, who asked, and for my brats who have taught me the pleasure and pain of parenting.(my apologies to readers - this review is more like a thesis - i've tried to pack 16 years of parenting into one article. it's too long. I know)
Be a parent above all else** your children didn’t ask to be born - you brought them into this world. now you jolly well do your job in bringing them up to the best of your ability. this means spending time with them, listening to them, yelling at them, hugging them, standing up for them in front of anybody who tries to put them down, teaching them to be responsible for their actions, etc., etc., not buying them the latest toy or gadget or shoving high value notes into their designer wallets and sending them off with their friends to have a ‘good time.’ money is no substitute for love, and quality time cannot exist without the quantity to back it up.
Being a parent is not easy. if you’re in the mood to expand your family, consider getting a dog. if however you’re already a parent, or on your way to being one, here’s some words of wisdom from a been there, wish I hadn’t seen quite all of that mom.
The ‘i must have been crazy’ 0-2 stage-** nurse them for as long as you can, pick them up and hold them close whenever you feel like - regardless of what people say, you can’t spoil children by picking them up, be a responsible parent and don’t use disposable diapers unless absolutely necessary(like at night - after all, you need to be a parent, not a zombie) get somebody to help you with the feeding and caring - you need the occasional break to retain your sanity, and resist the urge to drug them with phenergan when even you’re up all night playing patty cake with the little monster, and don’t feel shy to accept hand me down clothes from well meaning friends and relatives! take lots of pictures and write down everything they say and do in a keepsake album - for sadly, this stage too will pass. all too soon.
The ‘will it ever end’ 2 - 12 stage -** these years which seem to stretch into eternity, are the most fun, and can be the deal maker or the deal breaker of your child’s life.
Be there for your child - you can’t schedule 30 mins for her and say I will devote my attention to you completely during this time, so please get off my back for the rest. I remember coming home from work, and hearing my daughter come running to the door saying - *amma’s home, amma’s home. my son held her back saying - don’t bother her with your stories now. amma will be tired. regardless of the reasons why you go out to work, that is not how children should grow up - afraid to take up your time. work out an arrangement when a family member is home with them a lot.
Teach them not to be afraid to tell the truth -** children lie because they are afraid of the consequences. tell them how it hurts you to be lied to, and bite your tongue the next time she comes up to you with shards of your favourite ming vase and a story of how she didn’t mean to but.
Punish the act, not the child - I hate the *‘you are a bad boy’ style of lecturing. yell if you must, but say ‘i hate it when you’re late. it makes life a pain for everybody.’ not ‘you’re a bad boy, you’re always late.’ ‘you always.’ and ‘you never.’ are terrible judgements to pass on a child.
Don’t do in front of them what you don’t want them to do - easy to say, hard to do. I had a colourful driving vocabulary, and didn’t even think my son, then hardly 3, was listening so closely, till he once called a friend he had a fight with an *effing idiot. I was horrified when he explained that he heard me say that every time somebody did something bad on the road. I stopped swearing that instant.
Have at least one tv free meal together -** the tv is not your baby sitter. period. meal times are great for bonding. we always have dinner together, and it is as a rule also a telephone free time, and everybody sits at the table till everybody finishes. teaches patience, and also prods the slo-mo eaters to hurry up.
Don’t be their domestic slave -** no child has been psychologically scarred by being asked to do chores. even a three year old can be roped in to do little things like putting the coasters on the table while it is being set. make tidying up easy for them by having laundry bins bathrooms, different coloured towels for each family member, specific drawers for books, uniforms, etc. and if all of this works, please tell me. I am still fighting this battle. which brings me to the next tip.
Pick your battles -** your son asking to pierce his ear is not a battle worth dying over. homework routinely not completed, or talking back to grandparents is.
Don’t compare, and don't live your dreams through your children -** sure your sister’s daughter gets 97 in maths and your son is struggling to pass, but it’s ok. sooner or later everybody finds their feet. remember the story about the bamboo and the fern? don’t quit on your kids or compare them to others. and please don't try to make your child into a miniature version of what you wish you could have been!
Teach them to read and teach them to love the outdoors - ** books teach children to live with their own company, and opens doors to worlds that a 98% in science can’t. kapil dev once said, australian parents take their children on treks, indians take them to tuitions! do fun outdoor activities together.
Teach them to respect the earth -** yes, kids can make a difference. they can shut the tap when they brush their teeth and to say no to that extra plastic cover in a shop. little things like this, and of course going out on outdoor adventure trips teach them to be protective of their natural heritage.
Teach them values - society gets more and more morally ambiguous. nothing you can do about it, except teach your children what you believe is right and wrong. you must explain why if they are to accept what you say, and also patiently answer their 1001 *‘but what if.’ questions. it’s a pain, I know, and it brings me to the next tip.
Answer their questions - *not now, later, I don’t know, ask your teacher, mother, father, friend etc. just doesn’t cut it if you need to develop those bonds. it’s ok to say, sorry but you’re ready for the answer right now, or to give a censored version of adult info, but answer you must! my son gathered the staff together and gave them the kiddie(but biologically correct) version of how babies were made, soon after his sister was born, and proudly named me as the source of info - I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me! happens. learn to live with it.
Teach them good manners -** saying please or thank you or sorry is not being formal, it’s being courteous, and who said you shouldn’t be courteous to family? also teach them to dine with grace and to behave confidently in a variety of social situations.
Be a culture vuture - ** expose your children to plays, art, museums, folk theatre, dance, places of religious worship, and encourage their participation in traditional activities. with so many'foreign' influences around, they need to know whats beautiful about our own culture too.
