Dedicated to Pras(Cticize) who'encouraged' me to write this:p
If you are a connoisseur of Hindi Films, which I can proudly claim to be, it is quite impossible to have missed the typical song-n-dance, matka-jhatka, latak-jhatak, fat-thighs-shaking sequences.
A typical masala song sequence usually follows this routine:
A scene ends, in which hero and heroine are Nose-to-nose, on the verge of kissing(Gasp…I said the K word! Ekta…don’t crucify me!) When…SUDDENLY…loud beats and synthesizers break the silence! Ms.Sharmilee turns away with what she believes is a “sharam se mari jaa rahi” look, tears herself away from Mr.Sugar-Coated, who’s impression, by the way, should be “what the….( insert some nasty word here)” but as it’s a Bollywood movie, he just stares at her adoringly as she pushes him away. Then, with that same sharam-mein-doobi-hui look, she runs to the centre of some hill-top, which magically appears in the middle of nowhere, and also out of nowhere, Fifty or so dancers come prancing behind her. Now if you look carefully, the dancers have the constant look of “I’m doing this just for the poori-aloo and 10 rupees which I’m gonna get out of the tearing-his hair out producer”, and are dressed identical. Now how 50 people can find the Same outfit? Hey! It’s a Hindi Masala Movie…you’re not allowed to ask logical questions!
The song proceeds, which by the way, has a generous amount of dhol and baaja to camouflage the lack of any tune, and Mr.Sugar-Coated and Ms.Sharmilee dance in sync to the same steps, which repeat after every 15 seconds. Mind you, they never face each other, cuz after all, how can two people madly in love, look at each other! So with all the dancers in the background, the two Lovebirds jiggle and boogie facing the camera and jump and crush on innocent ants. After every stanza in the song, the entire locale changes and the whole paraphernalia of dancers, move to another hill, with new outfits of course! Sheesh…
Anyways, here is my list of the Ten Absolute Worst Choreographed Bollywood Dance Numbers…in no particular order…they are all just equally laughable!
Tohfa Tohfa
Movie: Tohfa
The song is an ideal aerobic routine! Lots of jumping and hopping around, lots of shaking, juddering and exercising done! Jeetendra and Sridevi prance from one spot to the other, dodging random multicoloured matkas and try not to step over all those random saris flying in the wind! Meanwhile, the hundred dancers in the background run around in rainbow-shaded lehengas…a sight Not worth missing out on! The music…what can I say.tohfa tohfa tohfa tohfa, laya laya laya laya…eco eco eco eco…kill me, kill me now!
Dil Deewana( 2nd Version)
Movie: Maine Pyaar Kiya
Starring Salman-stuck-to-black-jacket-Khan and Ms.Bimbette Bhagyashree this song is picturised when Prem babu goes to get Ms.Dumb Beauty back. So while, in the entire song, Salman refuses to step on the ground and jumps from one wall to another, the ending of the song, when Ms.Bimbette joins him truly takes the cake! In a mandir, Bimbette suddenly gets a seizure attack, and she takes off her dupatta(gasp…) and ties it tightly around her waist…all in robotic motion! And then…she does the unthinkable…she starts Moon walking!
Hum se Tum Dosti karlo
Movie: Narsimha
Ok, this song belongs to the terribile era of transformation of modern dance and the P.T dances of the 80s. Well this somewhere lies in the middle…it’s the worst of both! Ravi Behl(who.?) and Urmila Matondkar( with a bird’s nest for a hairstyle) do some confusing steps trying to ape Break Dance(?). The result: A lot of below the belt movements, which are ahem…not exactly…ahem…decent! Urmila meanwhile struts around in a tutu(a bright Pink frilly thing) looking straight out of a fancy-dress party! They dance everywhere, on the roof, in the gym, in the garden, etc etc, all the time making those ahem…“Movements”…shudder…
Bani bani
Movie: Main Prem Ki Diwani
After Asoka, I thought Kareena Kapoor could not be worse! Shows how wrong I can get! In this animated cum cartoonish cum ham cum over-the-top performance of Ms.Phoo, this song highlights all the above-said characteristics ten-fold. While Kareena distorts her face in many unconceivable “emotions”, she jerks and moves her arms around like a drunken elephant. She stomps around a brightly lit stage, while the background dancers are as noticeable as wallflowers!
Chal Kudiye
Movie: Jaani Dushman
Manisha Koirala resembling a rare species of whales and a 50-year-old-looking-20-year-year-old-playing Sunny Deol DANCING(?) …I rest my case!
Kabhi bhoola Kabhi yaad
Movie: Unknown
This song has two versions, one with Dimple Kapadia and Jackey Shroff, which is pardoned as it’s meant to be a typical model of a “film song” while some shooting. The other version is by Hair-longer-than-heroine’s Rahul Roy, whose dancing is almost as pathetic as his dress sense and acting! Along with him, looking like the “Before” part of a beauty treatment ad, is Karisma Kapoor. This is another hilltop song with lots of fog(rolls eyes)…with the same old “face the camera” dance routine.
Dhak Dhak
Movie: Beta
Even though this song got quite a lot of acclaim, which I fail to understand how, I find it quite cheap. Saroj Khan’s decline was as evident as Bush’s stupidity after this song. The song features Madhuri Dixit and Anil Kapoor, with the lady going “dhak dhak”…with utterly vulgar “movements” of her “body parts”. Even dear Anil looks embarrassed!
Angna mein baba
Movie: Aakhein
Lots of fake gaon-ki-goris trying to do, I really don’t know what, to a dhoti-clad Govinda. There’s lots of jumping around(in sync mind you), hiding under the sheets, playing Catch with a khatiya, lifting the lehenga skirts.er…lets just stop here. I couldn’t really decipher any “dance” steps as such, but yeah, there was a lot of chasing around…and Govinda running around for his life…I really don’t blame him.
Last TWO Songs in the Comments Section
