Jun 06, 2007 07:51 PM
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There was a definite authoritarian air about the way she walked across the corridor. That rottin blond hair, those deep purple warts, that scaly flesh on the arms…ah, she was gorgeous! She took a left turn and entered a classroom. The fun-loving, acid-shootin students stood up to wish her.
“Good morning, Ma’am Kryptina, ” they chorused.
“Mornin students, ” she said, “please sit down.”
The students settled down on their benches of spikes and took out their centuries-old parchments, dragon quills and bat-blood ink.
“Ok, students, ” The Kryptina began, “today’s topic is “Reading Reviews”. She’s gonna be writing the notes on the board. Please take it down.”
And, thus spake The Kryptina…
=-=-=
1st things 1st. It strikes The Kryptina odd that she’s writin a review on READIN a review. Hmmm.. It’s almost like directing a film on watching a film or singing a song on how to listen to songs..ah, whatever.. The important thing is, since u ARE here, its obvious u’d like to improve ur knowledge on how to read reviews. And don’t u worry, lil one, The Kryptina’ll take care of any problem u might have gives a half-brown-half-black- teethed smile She will delve into ALL the details on what to do before, during and after reading a review. All’s u got to do is..errm..read THIS review :-|.. ah, whatever!..
*BEFOREMATH
*So how do u decide which review to read? There’re so many out there, aren’t they? Well, sit back and let The Kryptina do the talking. So…there’re 4 ways of choosin a review:
i) WRITER: Look at the writer’s name. if he’s in ur trust list, go right ahead. After all, u DO wanna prove to urself that ur not bad at judging, don’t u? Similarly, if he’s in ur distrust list, go in. Coz, admit it, u DO love verbal bashin once in a while. Ahhhh…
ii) YOUR KINDA REVIEW: For this, look at the title. Almost always, it’ll let you know if its ur kinda review. If u want something humorous, see if the title’s a lil wacky and offbeat; if u want something more serious and bang on the topic, the title’s most likely to be the same as the topic or it summarizes the whole review, e.g. “Good movie” or “Pathetic service” or whatever; if ur sicka life and wanna end up in a mental asylum, come read The Kryptina’s reviews; u can read her reviews even if ur lookin for someone who unabashedly advertises herself. Sicko, she is! Ugh!
iii) WANTED TOPIC: Run ur eyes down the list of reviews. If they land on a topic in ur wishlist or on a product which u badly wanted information about, well, choose it. Easy, does it. Oh but then, if u, like The Kryptina’re lookin for reviews on the delicious Rat Spleen Soup (female rat), then get ready to be disappointed. sighs
iv) INKY PINKY PONKY: if ur a rebel and don’t wanna heed any of The Kryptina’s advices, u can always close ur eyes and click anywhere ur cursor takes u. :-)
*WHILSTMATH
So u’ve entered the review. Good. This’s the main section of the whole process, the body- the actual reading. Now that u HAVE made ur investment of time, u’d be stupid not to read the review properly (besides a lil reassurance that u still CAN read’s always welcome). Exercise ur eyes (n be grateful ur not one of those who’ve got empty eye sockets..HEY STOP POINTIN AT THE KRYPTINA!). Try to get deep and understand what the writer’s written. Then, feed the info to ur brain, so ur braincells’re activated. A very important thing over here’s to REACT- nod like Shahrukh Khan when u find urself in agreement with the writer; shake ur head like Shahid Kapoor, in that Clinic All-Clear Anti-Dandruff Shampoo ad, when u disagree; flash ur finger like Sonu Nigam, in Love in Nepal, when ur offended; shed beautiful crocodile tears like Alok Nath, when ur touched..thing is, do SOMETHIN. Prove to urself u’ve understood what u’ve read. That’s what the writer wants. He writes hopin to evoke a reaction (and NO, makin friendly visits to the loo is NOT counted)… *sighs
There. Congratulations. U have finished the tough parta the exercise. Now, to the final thing..
*AFTERMATH
*This’s when u provide vent to whatever ur feelin inside, through that wonderful rodent called ‘Mouse’. Click on the ratin u find appropriate and DO try and comment. It proves u actually HAVE read the review and haven given it a ratin seein what majority of the others have bestowed upon it…
And then…and then u pat urself on the back for a job well done; for a successful reading endeavour…Ahhhhhhhh :-)
=-=-=
The Kryptina turns around elegantly, her rottin hair gently fallin on her shoulder blades, thus showerin the floor with some of the maggots that’d sought refuge within the deep, dense confines of the tresses. Casually pickin them up and lodging them back in her hair (noble soul..sniff), she asks the students if they had any doubts.
“Yes, Ma’am Kryptina, ” shouts a lil, long-bearded, frail girl.
“Ah! Nozzelina! Tell her, wot is it u wanna ask?”
“Errm.. ma’am..it’s not related to what u taught, but.. why’d u transform from Krypt to Kryptina?”
The Kryptina smiles, “ That’s a delightful question comin from a frail lil girl with a long beard :-). Ah, but then, u see, The Krypt’d been a naughty devil- ogling she-devils, goin back in time and trippin Julius Caeser while he was on his way to the senate… Ah, he’d been BAD. So, Satan decided to punish him-he turned The Krypt into The Kryptina. So now, The Krypt- now a she himself- doesn find she-devils interesting. No more whistling at slugcoatedbikini-clad she-devils at Hell’s beautiful marshes, no more livin la vida loca-ing with them at Hell’s finest pubs, no more flirtin with them over a wonderful cuppa spoilt coffee at cafés, no more….
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh”
The Krypt wakes up with a start and feels himself. No rottin blond hair, check. No scaly flesh, check. Check, check, check… he sighs in relief. He still was the skeleton he was. What a bad dream:-O! He shivers in fear, shakes his skull and glances at his $23 million, diamond encrusted Rolex digital clock. and then, he notices the date at the bottom right of the screen….he smiles…6th June, man… the lil baby’d just turned 696…:-)...
