Help Your Teenagers Become Happy Adults .... Review on Parents

Dear friends,

Another unconventional review, as always. The only difference this time, is that my dearest Mum and Dad decided to put in their bits and pieces, rather most of this review is put together by themselves. Also, did not find an apt category for this opinion, so I have inserted it in here.

''Having a teenage son,'' one father said, ''is like playing on the seesaw. One minute I am feeling high, the next minute I am feeling low.'' ''After 15 years of learning how to be a father, I have to start all over again learning how to be a parent of an adolescent,'' says another father.

What most parents want for their children, are happiness and achievement. For their young children, tender loving care and firm guidance are crucial. For helping an adolescent towards maturity, something more is required. That ''something more'' is not any special technical knowledge or skill, but rather, the expression of certain qualities in parents - a talent for listening, a tolerance for differences, a willingness to trust - these help adolescents to grow into adults.

For dealing with some of the problems teenagers and their parents meet as they go through adolescence together, we would particularly offer these bits of advice to parents :

1. DO NOT COMPARE YOUR TEENAGER WITH OTHERS

Without realising it, parents slip into one of the most unfortunate of all child-rearing errors - parenting by comparison. An adolescent can deal with a parent's direct criticism, but not with a comparison that implicitly carries the message : ''You are inferior.'' Adolescents do not need parental comparisons to learn their standing in the world. The outside world provides plenty of feedback. Teenagers, like everyone else, react much more rationally to direct and honest criticism.

1. HELP YOUR TEENAGER MAKE DECISIONS

Parents face a dilemma. On the one hand, adolescents need to practice independently in order to mature, on the other, they may not have the necessary experience to deal with some problems, and their decisions may have unfortunate long-term consequences. As the problems adolescents face become more complex, the parent should play a more active role, not as a decision-maker, but as a consultant. It is very easy to jump down the throat of someone who casually brings up future plans or informs parents of something already done. The fact that the adolescent opens up the subject, however, indicates that he or she is seeking a parent's response. Giving a pat answer or an automatic ''NO'' is enough to cause your child to withdraw. But spending time and energy as a consultant, reasoning and volunteering opinions about possible consequences can make a huge difference. We all need people who care about what we do, but adolescents, in particular, are prone to feel that their parents do care, and care enough to say in effect : ''Okay, kid, you are older now. You are going to do things I don't like. At least hear me out and understand how important you are to me.''

1. DEFINE LIMITS

Firm, fair, explicit, consistent limits and expectations will provide some of the external structure that adolescents need, and to a certain extent, they will also relieve some of the stress that parents feel. Families must work out, among themselves, the kind of rules with which they are most comfortable. The results are always better where parents and adolescents establish the limits of daily life and each knows exactly what to expect from the other. Just as teenagers need to be aware of the limits of their behaviour, they must also understand their responsibilities that must be kept in balance. An adolescent often has too many privileges and, thus, acquires an unrealistic view of life.

1. APPRECIATE YOUR CHILD'S SPECIAL TALENTS

An adolescent learns that each of us has certain talents. We achieve success, most effectively and usually with greatest personal satisfaction, when we use these talents profitably. Psychological healthy development during adolescence must include experiences that include failure, defeats and frustrations. Only through such experiences can adolescents discover what they are good and not so good at. It is not the talents that parents want their children to have that counts, but rather, the talents their youngsters actually possess.

All that parents can do, is to confront each problem as it arises and try to work out solutions together with adolescents, that are specific, practical and down-to-earth, as well as allowing them room to dream.

To conclude, respect their growing independence and individuality, and learn to share your values, ideals and goals rather than trying to impose them on your children.

There is no magic formula that guarantees success .... but by keeping these principles in mind, you can help your ''almost adult'' children to become happy, and thus grow into mature adults.

Suggestions and comments are most welcome. Take care .... and Happy Parenting :) Most importantly, remember : ''THEY'RE PEOPLE TOO !!''