Main Hoon Kya !!!. Review on Main Hoon Na - Bollywood

It my generic theory to stay away from much-hyped movies.

The media hypes, for they get paid handsomely. The audience hypes because they've shelled out their pocket money for three hours of bollywood junk and want everyone else to undergo the misery too.

It only takes a smart (?) girl like me to understand their evil plans. Hence, if a movie - a) Has Shahrukh Khan and b) Has any association what-so-ever with Karan Johar, I have pledged never to watch it. Never ever.

My faith has been reaffirmed with the release of 'Main Hoon Na' - a very hyped and much talked about movie in recent days. Apparently, it goes beyond formula movies incorporating not just a single formula (a choice from love triangle, revenge stories, across-border issues, tragedy, infidelity or comedy) but all of them, in a single serving.

The good thing about the four so-called-actors of the movie, namely - Shahrukh Khan (probably our next Filmfare hero), Sushmita Sen (was I the only one who saw her face and not her body?), Zayed Khan (Hrithik's saala) and Amrita Rao (a big shock after her Ishq Vishk days) - is that they give much relief to the eyes by jumping in and out all the time. Breaks the monotony I suppose, but never really fit in.

Suprisingly someone like Naseerudin Shah - who already has to his credit a Hollywood movie - agreed to do a pesky role like the one he did. Extremely sad what money can make a man do.

The most brilliant thing about the movie is perhaps the character names. Ram and Lakshman. Who could've guessed they were brothers? Ingenious Farah.

Just amazingly, extremely, unbelievably, astoundingly ingenious. Where are your feet oh eighty-kilograms-in-weight-but-nothing-in-your-head Khan? Please don't even force me to tell you the plot. String my thumbs and hang me but NO I cannot even put in words the torcherous story.

Apparently, the reason I've gathered that people find their money well spent is former Miss Universe, Miss Sen. The itsy-bitsy nothings which covered her itsoo-bitsoo body have proven the size of her self-esteem and self-respect. Her role offered nothing else. Only sudden bursts of giggles or sudden drops of her pallu. And not much left to your imagination too!

Zayed had the toughest job of saying 'Avoid' five times in the movie, for which I gather he probably didn't take more than fifty takes. On an average of twenty-five takes in a day, I don't think his work was more than two days. And he was probably paid as much and sent off home - probably to please Hrithik six-fingered-freak Roshan.

Of all the nerves, they also added Suniel Shetty. That man gives me constipation. A look at his face and my food remains undigested. And if you add those long hair, I don't think I'd eat for another week. And I don't think I did too. Ugly and talentless as he is, the Matrix-like action footage only made me bang my head against the wall asking God for mercy - of all the sins I've done in my life, isn't this punishment enough?

Shahrukh was, undoubtedly the 'hero'. Farah told him, look Shahrukh, I've taken all these loonies in my movie because my budget is very tight. So you not only have to act for yourself but also for all these jerks.

So Shahrukh, keeping upto his promise, not only acted, but overacted to cover up for the lack of talent amongst his co-stars. As the orphan and army officer on his mission (lol!) of keeping watch (bodyguard?) of some twenty-inch-waist chick, in search of his own long-lost brother, while flirting with his teacher and transforming from a sixties dude to the nineties (see, he does everything in the movie - every down and dirty thing), he does a job. Not a good one, not a bad one. Just a job. He does his job and takes the crore something back home and tells his wife Gauri - I hope this is enough for your cosmetic surgery. Go make yourself beautiful, and while you're at it, pass me the darn ciggies.

The songs appear out of nowhere and just when you're starting to feel like smashing the television, they stop. Probably a planned strategy by Farah. The only good thing about the movie is the Physics teacher, the one who spits with every word that comes out of his mouth. The good thing about him is not his character - but his input into it. He's a good actor, better than all the others 'combined'.

In my personal opinion, Farah should've just made a movie about the Physics teacher who has a major crush on the Chem teacher (Sen) and is about to get married to her when Ram (Shah) steps in and steals her heart.

He then plans Ram's murder to rekindle with his lost love, but realizes soon that she was never meant to be his. The climax could be Shah leaving on a train while he could spit all over Sen telling her how much he loved her, but is letting her go for her own sake. And then Sen would run DDLJ style on the platform - 'The End' flashing as her hand meets Ram's.

I better go work on the script...