''This is life,'' I thought, ''jeena isi ka naam hai.'' I had promised my friend that I would meet him at Jai Hind college at 7 am. The reason - my friend had been smitten by a girl who was his best friend. He didn't want to ask her out himself as it might affect friendship if she refused. So, he called up the eternal Love Guru, a nikamma who goes by the name of Raj Lalwani, and told me to reach Jai Hind at 7 in the morning (since college began at 8). ''Saat bajah subah pyaar nahin hota,'' I commented, since I am reputed to be Kumbharkarna's sole descendant. Zzzzz ...
The morning was chilly, and I reached Vile Parle station, expecting to see an empty station. To my horror, the station was as crowded as it is in the evenings. The reason - most of the town colleges begin early morning, and the platform was swarming by the students.
Students, and the lot surely included many attractive chicks. No, I was still at the station, not at a coop where chickens are bred. The chicks I mentioned refer to the mystifying female form of the homo sapien sapien ...
Since I didn't want to be seen by a cute damsel as this nerd who is falling, yawning every second minute, I decided to drink a coffee. For this coffee addict who relishes a Capucinno at Barista, this Rs. 6 coffee was a degradation. Or was it? The 'kaapi' was brilliant, making me wonder why I waste thirty bucks at Barista for the same.
Since trains are always late, I had some more time. There was a shop selling magazines. I looked at the latest Stardust issue. Sigh ... K-k-k-k-kareena! I then picked up Sportstar and began reading a humorous article on Navjot Sidhu's commentary. And the train arrived. Now, I didn't want to leave the article unfinished and I wondered if I could afford to miss this train. If? I told myself, ''No, Raj. If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there would be no tinkers. Let me pay this fellow ten bucks for the magazine and rush on to the train.''
I fought World War III. No, I did not help Bush by taking on Osama and cause WW III. All I did was board the train. But, that's more difficult than fighting World War III, isn't it?
After having won the war, I decided that since today is Shah Rukh Khan's birthday, this SRK aficionado must do something like him. I removed one side of my shirt, let it remain tucked out, while I tucked in the other one. ''Now, that's like SRK,'' I thought. Not content with only this, I decided to imitate his body language. I began bobbing up and down like a hyperactive spring. But then, the rhythmic movement of the train helped me!
Ten minutes later, I had got a headache. Reading about Sidhuisms in the moving train had taken its toll on my pupils. So, I kept the magazine in my bag and started observing my journey mates.
Beside me was a man whose face resembled Johnny Lever's and body resembled Adnan Sami's. An uncouth, disgusting chap to the core, he ruined all my morning sprays of the Gillete Wild Rain deodrant. I think that he wanted to take on the profession of a miner. If you are wondering where mining comes into the picture, let me explain that throughout the journey, he kept digging. No, not the ground for gold, but his nose, for ... er ... stuff.
Desperate to escape, I scanned the train for an empty seat. And there, right opposite me was a girl who was sitting alone, with a huge bag beside her. I asked her if I could sit beside her. She said, ''Don't bother, you would have to hold my heavy bag.'' I would have replied that I would have carried the earth like Atlas for her, but her face seemed a little tense, so I refrained from the flirting statement. Although she was attractive to the core, her pretty face seemed ruffled as she was struggling through her mathematics homework., I noticed her name on the book - Simran Chaudhari . Even the Raj and Simran of DDLJ had met in a train, I thought ... and after Raj met Simran, love was never the same! As she got more and more irritated with her homework, I thanked God that I too had taken up Science. Mathematics, being my strong point (Do aur do paanch ... right?) I volunteered to help. Only to realise that her station had arrived. Sigh!
Came in a group of kids who didn't look a shade over 12. But, then their language didn't reflect a tiny, innocent twelve-year old. Expletives and profanities which I didn't even know to be existing were spat out of their mouths. The abuses were directed at the Indian cricket team, who had come up with a very shabby performance against Australia, yesterday. ''Saala, 3000 mein black mein ticket khareeda tha,'' they were lamenting. Which again reminded me that Indians cannot help eating, sleeping and breathing cricket.
I then realised that Mr. Johnny Lever-cum-Adnan Sami had taken out a tiffin, containing food for the entire train and devouring it all, himself. ''Lucky fella,'' I thought, as I saw a well-groomed man, perhaps going for an important interview. His shirt didn't have a single wrinkle on it, while, while mine had more wrinkles than A.K.Hangal. He had apparently had a shave recently, while I, with an Aamir Khan tuft of hair below my lower lip, had even forgotten where I had placed my Gillete Sensor Excel. Not one strand of hair was out of place, while I looked like the Indian version of Harry Potter. I watched with sympathy as he made himself comfortable beside Mr. Nose Digger. ''Poor Chap,'' I thought, only to see him making a face and looking at our portly friend.
After suppressing a laugh, I saw a ingenious chap composing Summer of '69 on his cell phone, with amazing perfection. I decided to rob him of Rs.1.50 and so, asked him to send me the ringtone. He sent it, but I didn't receive it. Damn Orange!
Suddenly, something started vibrating in my pants. I wondered what on earth was happening and then realised that it was my cell phone. ''Where the #(&*^ are you?'' my friend enquired. ''Wait for five minutes, I am almost there. Anyway, I have to tell you about my encounters with this disgusting, fat creep and my escapades with this hot chick and how I was flirting with her,'' I told him.
This time, I didn't fight WW III. No, I have not become a peace ambassador, it's just that I could easily alight at Churchgate since it's the terminal station!
I reached Jai Hind college, and wondered why I was still stuck up at Mithibai. My friend spotted me and commented, ''You are a true Indian, always late! Anyway, listen, you have to tell me about the chick in the train later, right now, let me introduce you to my friend, whom I want to ask out.'' He called out to one girl who had her back towards us. ''Simran, just come here na.'' I recalled that the girl in the train was called Simran, too and decided to tell my friend later about the co-incidence. She turned and approached us, as I gazed in horror. With a curious smile on her lips, she asked my friend, ''Oh, so is this the friend you were telling me about? I must say he is sweet. He actually volunteered to solve my maths homework for me in the train ...''
Duniya gol hai ... aur har paap ka ek double role hai ...
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Do leave a comment on this filmi journey ... !!!
