Walking In Darkness. Review on Handling Depression

My Walk In Darkness

As I face another uncertain day, I wonder if this is the one that will finally pull me under into the desolate abyss that will consume me.  I find it to be a struggle to get out of bed once more.  Sleeping for only three or four hours at a time is plaguing me like it did before.  I fight this compelling feeling to succumb to the darkness and quit fighting the seemingly inevitable.  My adversary is Depression.

Three years ago, I fought a tough battle against this miserable disease and eventually won.  It is not just a'blue' feeling that one can'snap out of'.  It is not a welcomed emotion that one can control by thinking'happy thoughts' and tapping his/her heels three times and say'there's no place like home' and everything is back to normal.  I wish it were that simple  For many others and myself, we do not choose to feel this way.

Depression is a perception of being in a dark, lonely tunnel where there is absolutely no light at the end.  Doctors believe it is a chemical imbalance and is genetic that can be triggered by a certain event.  The experts try to treat depression with different types of counseling and usually medication since depression is now known to be affecting millions of people today including adults, teenagers, and in some cases children.

A Step Toward Recovery

My first step in recovery was seeking help.  It was difficult for me to do since I am extremely independent, and I rarely ask for assistance.  A coworker that had fought depression for some time himself encouraged me to get help since he knew what I was going through.  I meekly made the appointment and forced myself to see my doctor.  I was embarrassed yet I wanted to get better and did not know how.  I was desperate.

When my physician of three years at that time walked into the room, he took one look at me and said'What has happened to you?' in a surprised voiced.  He knew I was normally well-dressed in business attire with my hair nicely styled.  My appearance that day was shabby since I hadn't slept well in a year(yes, a year!).  My hair had lost its shine, and I had gained some weight(some people lose weight being depressed, I do the opposite).  I looked like a shell of what I was before.

He was reassuring that many people have suffered what I was going through and that I wasn’t alone.  I was also prescribed my first anti-depressant, Prozac, since it has been around a long time and was effective in treating major depression.

Medications

There are many types of medications prescribed for depression.  I have experience with Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and now Serzone.

Prozac

Prozac seemed to clear my racing mind temporarily, and I had to increase my dosage finally to 60mg/day to even notice any difference.  I was still generally tearful, and the reprieve from the dismal feelings were short-lived.  However, it did give me a shred of hope.  My doctor was concerned about the amount of Prozac I was taking and its ineffectiveness after a couple of months and decided to switch my prescription.

Zoloft

This medication did nothing for me.  I felt neither better nor worse when taking it.  Antidepressants react differently with everyone, and this one was not for me.

Paxil

After having my second child, my gynecologist was concerned about my depression since it was resurfacing once again.  He prescribed Paxil, starting with 20 mg, then upping the dosage to 40mg/day.  This medication seemed to dissipate the low feelings but required greater dosages after a period of time.  After 40 mg of Paxil was not working, he recommended I see a specialist to take over my medications.  The specialist increased my dosage to 60mg and assured me that he had other patients on a much higher dose of 100 mg/day and doing well.

Xyprexia

This doctor also added another drug called Xyprexia to intensify Paxil’s effectiveness.  I researched later that this drug is sometimes used to treat schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s disease, as well as along with Paxil.  One pill knocked me off my feet and put me out for a full eight hours.  I was not sleeping much more than three hours at this time, and caring for a newborn baby, I did not need to be put to sleep for eight hours!  I didn’t have time for that.  I soon discontinued this medication.

Xyprexia caused an overwhelming urge to sleep; however, once the pill wore off, it felt as if I had a normal night's sleep and felt well-rested.  I did not feel drugged up or have medicine-head.  If the pill has not ran its course, it is extremely hard to wake up from.  This was a good sleeping pill at a later date, but not for a new mother trying to take care of an infant.

Back to Paxil, if I missed a dose, the next day I was immobile.  I could not tear myself out of bed.  I was too depressed.  I eventually weaned myself off this medication when I saw myself too dependent on it, plus I didn’t seem to care about anything, good or bad.  I didn’t feel lows anymore, but I didn’t ever feel happy either.  It was my “Who Cares?” pill.  It also killed my weight loss after having my child.

Serzone

After switching back to my regular doctor, I was on 40mg of Adderall to control my ADD.  Adderall is not for everyone with this problem, but it is very effective in helping me concentrate and helping me retain the ability to hold down a job.  However, Adderall has a bad side affect while the medication is wearing off.  It makes one extremely edgy and irritable and full of anxieties.  After my family encouraged me to go to the doctor for anything at this point to help, my doctor added Serzone to counteract the withdrawals of Adderall.

Serzone stops the anxieties I’ve always had since I was a child and the added irritability of Adderall’s side effects.  My dosage is 400mg/ day and is quite effective.  I had to gradually work my way up to this dosage, and it seems to work better than the lower dosages.  I have had no bad side affects that I have noticed with Serzone, and since it is also an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug, it helps control my moods and PMS.  And since I have been stretching out my dosages, and I haven’t had it in a week, I have not felt any withdrawals from this medication.

Final Thoughts

My biggest problem is the gradual return of the depression and its symptoms without my medications.  I know I must fight it because my children need me, but a part of me is so tired of fighting it.  I can only hope that one day, instead of treating symptoms of depression, doctors will be able to treat the cause.  I live for that day.