Presenting a play that narrates the vagaries of making a long distance call.
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Scene 1 Act 1:
Dramatis personae: - matwalaboy, telephone operator and telephonebabu
Curtain raises, brightly lit hall, a telephone on a table in the corner, matwalaboy pacing down the hall. His friend telephonebabu waits anxiously for him to say something. Telephonebabu mutters after he had enough: -
telephonebabu What is the matter, you seem very disrupted and distorted.
matwalaboy telphunwa ab ka bataye tumke, I am fed up, my wife, she keeps asking me to call her, she doesn’t know how tough it is to make a long distance call.
telephonebabu ah that my dear matwale is the bottom of the matter when there is no matter (laughs)
matwalaboy (irritated) why you laughing eh, you find it funny or did Advani threaten to resign again?
telephonebabu don’t get pareshan, lets place a long distance call na, mera Bharat mahaan hai kal parsho tak number mil hi jaega.
matwalaboy this isn’t funny I am telling you, ok.!
telephonebabu (breaks into a monologue a La Sholay eshtyle) ab ka kare bhaiya roz roz to number mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhar line dead bhi ho jata hai, ab rahi line dead hone ki baat to usme ka hai, bijli aayegi to line bhi chalu ho jaega, (before matwale bhaiya could say something) bade bad desho mei aisi choti choti baatien hoti rehti hai.
Matwalaboy dials the telephone exchange, irritated sounding telephone operator replies.
telephone operator yes, why have you called ?
matwalaboy Please place a long distance call.
Before matwala could give the number, the operator barges in.
operator (matter of factly) long bole to where are you calling and how long will the call be?
matwalaboy how does it matter how long the call is.
operator you know how strained and overworked our exchanges are, we have other costumers to cater to as well.
Matwalaboy doesn’t want to get into a tiff, gives him the number and waits. He keeps looking at the clock as if all of a sudden a jinn will come out of it and give him phone a friend option. The clock moves from morning to afternoon to evening and now almost night, but the phone doesn’t ring.
Finally at 11 in the night, matwala decides to call it a day. Curtain falls.
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Scene 2 Act 1:
Dramatis personae: - matwalaboy, telephone operator, wife, met guy, bambai don and the police constable.
Curtain Raises.. a snoring matwalaboy, and an ‘ I don’t know what to do’ telephonebabu on the stage. Telephonebabu rings..
telephonebabu matwale bhaiya get up, it seems your long distance call has got connected.
After continuous cries of telephonebabu, matwalaboy get out of bed.
matwalaboy hello
telephone operator your trunk call please talk.
Thudding sound of some levers being pulled and then matwala’s wife speaks.
wife hello?
matwalaboy hey hello its me.
Wife decides to start screaming thinking long distance hai
wife so late in the night is everything alright?
matwalaboy why you screaming, I can hear you.
wife (puzzled)m sorry I thought long distance hai?
matwalaboy ok, so how is everything there?
Systems decide to interrupt,cross-connects to the met department.
met bureau mausam khush gawar hai, tez hawao ke saath halki boonda bandi ke asar hai, tapmaan samanya se do degree upar reh sakta hai. Met department ko phone karne ke lie dhanyawaad.
Hangs up.
matwalaboy hey what was that?
wife I don’t know, I was saying everything is fine here.
Lightening strikes again and this time the lines gets connected to a Bombay bhai
bhai bhidu apan to bolta hai is baar game kar dene ka, apan ko roz roz ka lafda nai mangta hai. Akkha zindagi mandwanich kiela hai ab apan ka number ayela hai, apan ko akkha bambai par raaz karne ka hai, bole to bhai number 1 ban ne ka hai….
matwalaboy (visibly upset)kaun hai, what are you saying, are you in your senses.
bhai (taken aback & upset) kaun hai be, apan chota halkat bol rela hai apan ke saath aaj tak oochi awaz me kisi ne baat nahi kare, tu apne kholi ka pata de mere ko, mein abhich tera game karta hu shyaane.
wife oh no no, some confusion here, I am sorry.
The conversation was heating up when all of a sudden lines get normal again
matwalaboy gosh what is this happening, I hate the long distance thing.
wife (trying to calm him down) oh ho don’t worry now, that’s part of life, we cant do anything about it na.
matwalaboy yeah that’s right, so what else is new there, are you not missing me?
Things were about to get mushy but how,lines play havoc, gets cross connected to a police station.
officer on duty this is Jhumri Tillaiaya police station, why have you called, chori hui hai, daka pada hai, kya hua hai, jaldi bolo?
matwalaboy hai bhagwan this is really irritating stuff.
officer on duty what crap is this, hamse taniko bakwaas mat karo, ek lagaenge kaan ke neeche to battisi bahar aa jaegi samjhe ki nahi, raat ke 12 baj rahe hai aur tumko chirori soojh rahi hai.
matwalaboy are I am not talking to you hawaldaar saab.
officer on duty hawaldaar kisko bolta hai, I am a bloody head constable, tameej se baat karo nahi to tada mei andar kar dunga.
wife sorry sir, he wasn’t talking to you.
Matwalaboy has had enough; he just wants to hang up the phone. Lines get normal as if to spare him any further agony.
matwalaboy ok dear I don’t think the lines makes sense to me, we will talk when we meet, you have a good night.
wife yes you are right, take care and sleep well.
They hang up
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Scene 3 Act 1
Dramatis personae: - matwalaboy, telephone operator
Phone rings again, matwalaboy picks up.
matwalaboy who on earth is it?
telephone operator you talked for fifteen minutes, total bill is rs one hundred and fifty.
Mtwalaboy is really pissed off, as he hardly talked, but he knows he can’t do anything .
matwalaboy ok, bye.
Curtain falls...
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So that was an episode from the wonderful experience our good old matwalaboy had with the long distance calling exercise. Please feel free to share your own experiences and do let me know how you liked the drama.
