Dec 01, 2003 07:51 PM
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(Updated Dec 01, 2003 07:51 PM)
Ladies and gentleman, there are certain lessons that we need to learn from a certain guy called Shahrukh Khan. What we have learnt so far is Maya, we are living in a Matrix, where every thing is unreal. To get a touch of reality, we have to enter the world of SRK. The world would never look the same, after you see it through the eyes of Shahrukh. So here are the 5 lessons to be learnt from Shahrukh.
1) Bill Gates is not the World's Richest Person: How dare all those wicked western magazines call a guy called Bill Gates as the World's Richest Person? Watch Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and it becomes clear who the world's richest guy is, its my dad( er my adopted dad actually) Yash Raichand. We dont go to our house in car like ordinary mortals do, we come in a helicopter. And Dad says he wants more of em. Come on did you ever hear Bill Gates saying he wants more helicopters. He is always speaking of boring things like bandwidth, security, IPR, donating for AIDS. And can Bill Gates even imagine the type of wardrobe we have in our house. All he and his wife wear is those boring suits, ties, business dresses, skirts and blouses. But hey look at our wardrobe, even the Maharajas of yore would not have such variety. And my dear loving Mommy, see even when she is doing household work, will wear only silk saris, not cotton saris. No wonder Papa frowned when I wanted to marry a Chandni Chowk Punjabi kudi called Anjali. He snorted and growled like the nasty Amrish Puri does. Not a problem for me, since I can walk out of the home and live in an even more posh house in London, with Anjali and teach my kids Sare Jahan Se Acha. Oh I have a foster brother who wears only Armani and drives only in a Ferrari. And we stay in India in a palace, which even Bill Gates couldnt have afforded. Come on guys, we the Raichands are the world's richest people, these Western folks they are so biased, bah Bill Gates my foot?
2) Ashoka is a romantic emperor: Hey History is bunk said Henry Ford. So why are all these guys getting worked up over the fact that I showed Ashoka romancing with maidens over waterfalls. They think that Ashoka was a great emperor, who renounced war after Kalinga battle and became a messenger of peace. Oh boy how boring and uncool? Ashoka had a hep hairstyle and painted lips. He fell in love with a sexy princess called Kauruwaki, who sings semi nude in waterfalls songs like'San Sanan, San'. But he is married to a boring Buddhist girl back home who is too seedhi saadhi, and he wants some adventure. So he wants to become the King, but you say his bad brothers wont let him. So he kills them all. Then he fights the Kalinga war and his Karuwaki fights against him and dies. I made history cool, but these miserable Indians wont accept it. Bah such dull people.
3) The job of a teacher is to make his students bunk classes and romance: Yes Pyaar Khuda Hai, thats why in Mohabattein I drilled into 3 students that life is only romance and nothing else. Oh yes there is a stick in the mud principal called Narayan Shankar, who talks of such boring and uncool concepts like parampara, siksha, dedication. Oh come on, we youth need to freak out, and I dont believe in teaching students Science and History. My only job as a teacher is to teach the students, that love is primary and everything else is Maya. Yes that idiot principal hates me, since I loved his daughter( Oh all these papas are so bad). I joined his school as a music teacher, but come on, I dont even know how to play the violin. Ha that was just an excuse for me to get even. Oh yes and there is one more important thing, a female might wear minis and shorts, but if her boyfriend pushes her into a swimming pool, then she becomes demure and covers herself. Then go and cover her with ur jacket and voila she is yours. If the girl you love is a widow, teach her niece piano and sing a sad song, she would come running to you( coz she cant hear ur singing for more).
4) Riverdale School is in India: Arrrgh this is again another ploy of those bloody westerners. How can they say Riverdale High is in US, its in India. Havent they seen the movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai? See we play basketball, not cricket like those stupid Indians do in Lagaan. We have locker rooms, cheer girls, and skate to class room. And even though me and my girlfriend Anjali, are over 30, we are still students. But our dil is always Hindustani. So that sexy girl Tina, who wears minis, sings Om Jai Jagdish Hare and visits temples every Wednesday. Anjali loves me, but stupid girl, how can I marry her, she is so tomboyish and has short hair, and is always in jeans and T-shirts. Thats why when she changed into saris and grew long hair like a typical Bharatiya Nari, i feel in love with her. But seems some dude called Sameer from UK, had already been engaged her. Stupid guy, I dont think he has seen my movies like DDLJ and Dil To Paagal Hai, where I always get the heroine though she is engaged to another girl. So what do I do, I make my daughter cry, I cry and Anjali cries, and Sameer being a sensible guy and not wanting to get involved in a crying game hands over Anjali to me and says bye Dude, I will go mad with all this crying.
5) Someone Somewhere is made for you: Oh this is about a lovely movie called Dil To Paagal Hai. Again those ignorant Indians called this a bad movie. Bah they are so nasty, thats why I always shoot my movies in Switzerland, UK, US, cannot stand these Indians. Why cant they understand that Pyaar is Dosti, and Dosti is Pyaar, and everything else is Maya? Oh yes im a director of what dont ask me, im a director thats all, do I have to give every detail now. And yes I have an idiotic friend Nisha, who loves me, just because I took her to Valentine's Day. Oh why cant she understand she is just a good friend and nothing else. And then I might a very beautiful female called Pooja. So nice and dressed in white, I took her as the main actress in my production. Again dont ask me if its a movie or an opera or a play. You Indians are always too pesky. Too bad she is engaged to her friend. That idiot hasnt seen DDLJ I think, doesnt he know I am the hero and she is the heroine and he is just a kabab mein haddi. Thankfully he realised it, and in a great climax, he tells her, boss I am getting suffocated with all this pyaar-dosti funda, tu jaa and be happy with that nut. I am happy being alone.
