Feb 14, 2005 07:13 PM
6421 Views
(Updated May 16, 2007 12:19 PM)
So The Krypt has so far written two reviews: one on the highly tactful, sensitive- too sad she's flagged- reviewer, aparna21 ( she had problems with every Tom, Dick and Harry- especially the 2nd one! Read her stuff!) and the other on the brilliant, realistic, one-of-a-kind soap, Kesar. Hey wait! Dont add the Krypt to ur distrust list just yet! That was supposed to be funny.
Sorry! Guess the joke was just a bit too stale (The Krypt is 666 years young). Anyway, The Krypt has been jobless these couple of days. His other self was busy (not) preparing for his exams. So The Krypt decided he'd write a rev. The question was... Wot would be the unfortunate topic? He looked around in MS- to no avail. Bored, he began to browse thru the T.V. He then saw a film on Sahara One. And knew exactly wot he was going to write on... THE FIVE ACTORS WHO SHOULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ACTING AGAIN. The Krypt loves some slam-bam-bam. He is just about to do it.
Just hold on, let him get his wooden scale. One spanking to each of the following on their you-know-whats. Read on. In decreasing order... 5) TUSSHAR KAPOOR Here Tusky, here boy, c'mon... oh sorry make that, SHOO, TUSKY, SHOO!! If you thought you had no chances of getting to bollywood, if you thought your acting sucks big time, if you thought you had the most childish voice at age 20 or 25 or wotever, BREATHE AGAIN. YOU'VE GOT SOME ENCOURAGEMENT IN THE FORM OF TUSSHAR KAPOOR- the ultraworthy successor of Kader Khan (though not as handsome as him). To tell u the truth, The Krypt actually liked him in his 1st movie but the moment he saw his other films where our guy was ooh-aahed at by girls who just cudn't resist his honka-honka-hunk appeal, The Krypt lost it. Add to it his oh-so-sexy masculine voice and The Krypt got exactly what he didnt want.
THE KRYPT CONFESSES (TKC): The Krypt liked his performance in Khakee, but the voice again was a put-off. He even liked him in Gayab..... Coz he cudn't see him!!! 4) KIM SHARMA Another vocal disaster. She sorta looks like a pig with a squashed snout. Her performances...well, what can The Krypt say? Go thru the ordeal yourself. However, she probably might be able to pull off Tweety Bird's role with gusto. Here's why: i) Both have irritating voices. ii) Tweety's always naked. And The Krypt is yet to see Kim in full clothes... Add two and two and VOILA!! YOU'VE GOT A PERFECT MATCH! TKC:
Whenever she comes onscreen, The Krypt covers her face, presses the mute button.... and ogles at the rest of her. No other confession. Case closed. 3) SONU NIGAM Now The Krypt knows, this guy aint an actor, but the few films he's done has forced The Krypt to include him. He's earned it. He started off his acting career with the masterpiece, Jaani Dushman. Wotta film! Wot acting!! The Krypt loved one scene in particular: The naag comes to kill our macho man, but sonu, instead of running away, politely and smilingly says, ''Nahi! Mujhe mat maaro!'' Fabulous acting. So wot if he was supposed to look scared? He also did a few other movies, one with Raj Babbar's daughter (the only thing The Krypt remembers abt this flick is that it was promoted by a Pan-Masala company!!) and another one called Love in Nepal (in the posters our hero shows his middle finger in a way only he can!!). PIPSQUEAK. TKC: Ok, so he's a great singer. That's his only plus point. Oh wait, there's another one. Go back to the ending of the 3rd para. The film which inspired this rev? LOVE IN NEPAL! 2) SHAHRUKH KHAN The Krypt once banged SRK's head onto a nail on the wall. Why? Coz he's the best hammer!! Sorry, cudn't resist it. But The Krypt hopes ur getting it. Be it his twitch of his eyebrows during glycerine-induced sequences or his st-st-st-stammering, this guy is a nincompoop in a class of his own. And with a tight blue uniform in Veer-Zaara showing off his puny frame, he looked the jerk that he is. And to say that he was the original choice for Munnabhai??? Probably, the only thing he can bash up is an ant! Or can he? Sample this line, taken from one of his forthcoming flicks: ''Babuji ne kaha ghar chhod do, Paro ne kaha sharab peekar , badbu marte hue mere paas aana chhod do, chandramukhi ne kaha ki kanjoos paise nahi fekna hai toh yahan aana chhod do, Kran ne kaha Saif ko chhod do. Ab The Krypt kahta hai ki acting chhod do. Hey-eh-eh-eh, main k-k-kya kya chhodun, haan?'' TKC: Vacant space. The Krypt hates him in totality. AND THE NO.1.... THOUGH ALIEN TO THE FILM INDUSTRY.... 1) ABSOLUTELY ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO ACTS IN KEKTA KAPOOR'S SERIALS... NO, ACTUALLY THE KRYPT HAS A FAVORITE. OK, THE NO.1 SPOT GOES TO... SQUEAKY (OF KESAR FAME). Now this girl is so brilliant, The Krypt has written an entire rev on her serial. Check out the way she cries: a few lines on the forehead, eyes narrow and a curve in the lips-UPWARDS!! She also acted in that song by the Aryans where she comes to this cafe wearing a tiny frock and a sudden gust of wind lifts it a bit too much (The Krypt aint complaining, though!). Now: Why does the Krypt hate her? Two reasons. i) Voice- Squeaky...doesnt the name say it all? And ii) Acting (?) skills- Actually she doesnt act. All she does is shed glycerine every 5 minutes and deliver dialogues as if she's just watched SRK play Batman (Tusky boy can be Robin). Wot can The Krypt say? Just read his prev revu. TKC: She's taught The Krypt marketing of his own revus!! CONSOLATION PRIZE: SHAHID KAPOOR. The Krypt cudnt leave this guy out for 2 reasons: i) HE KISSED KAREENA!! HOW DARE HE? ii) That new shampoo ad! Gosh! Here's a recreation: SCENE: A pub. A dumb belle (DB) comes running towards Shahid. DB: SHAHID! KAUNSA SHAMPOO? SK: Clinic all clear DB ( with a stupid look on her face): Dandruff hai? SK ( A violent shake of the head, probably to jerk off all the dandruff) DB (more confused than the director of Jaani Dushman): Phir bhi clinic all clear? SK ( a flurry of nods, smiling stupidly) DB ( with all the innocence of a new-born oldie): Par kyon? SK (delivering the line of the century): Kyunki...tum mere baalon par fida ho!! AAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH Anyone who doesn't rate or comment will be locked up in a room with all of the above and 'll be forced to watch Jaani Dushman just around a couple of hundred times. Don't forget the popcorn. ENJOY!
