Jul 10, 2003 12:04 PM
4714 Views
(Updated Jul 13, 2003 06:48 PM)
How to Force Yourself on a Woman without Raping her
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Just because some Painted Face from Greece banged her car into your truck on a highway off Bombay, met you at a wedding and then accepted a lift back home, all in the space of two days - means that you now have a right to take her possession.
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Teach her songs that go “tam bhurak bhurak namma namma namma” (Jatin Lalit and Javed Akhtar Zindabad)
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You needn’t bother finding out whether she actually likes you or is merely being tickled at the assorted simian antics you perform.
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Assume that this silly dalliance will result in marriage. Ignore the fact that she is to be engaged very soon to a guy she obviously is very fond of, and has summarily told that off to you too.
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Follow her like a mangy pup all the way back to Greece as a last ditch attempt to get her. Don’t pay heed to any of her million signals that clearly say, “I’m not interested.” Turn a deaf ear to verbal versions too.
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Indulge in Hardsell. Affront her with all your USPs, keep repeating them with rat-a-tat frequency. (I’m good with kids, I’m health conscious, I’ll cook one meal for you everyday, I’ll buy the vegetables) Again don’t care if that doesn’t impress her much and so what if she sees through such blatant lying.
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Impress her with your scintillatingly virile abilities to get her stuffed toys, retrieving coins from wishing wells, and driving all night to reach her home.
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Now come on, everyone feels sorry for a lost puppy, who has followed you home, just take a chance she might even marry you. She actually does it (I was aghast) and poor painted face will live to repent her momentary lapse of reasoning.
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It is clearly a loveless marriage from the word go. Now Painted Face has to put up with your loathsome behaviors, barbs, and taunts that insinuate her of keeping secret liaisons with her ex-fiancé.
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Give a damn that she is trying to help your business from going in the red, instead accuse her of cheap sins in front of a whole party and later act obnoxious with her ex-fiancé as well.
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When Painted Face finally discards her rose-tinted glasses and finally realizes what a rotten lump she has married and when she finally decides that she has put up with enough and is finally flying back to Greece, it is time again start the forcing yourself on her bit yet again.
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Now at the airport departure you must weep like you own bursting geysers instead of eyes.
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If weeping doesn’t work kneel down and wail incessantly. Sob and wheeze simultaneously. Shrug shoulders and twitch every possible facial muscle.
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Lay that puppy dog act again so that she feels ridden with humungous guilt. Make her feel like she is being Marie Antoinette to the hapless farmers, Cruella de Ville to the Dalmatians. So this way you can arm-twist her to repent and return back to your sorry life.
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So what if her feelings were always sympathy and never love, at least you have forced yourself on a woman without raping her. Congratulations!
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Chalte Chalte is this brilliant self-help movie for all those who want to learn how to force themselves on a woman without any messy repercussions.
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Credits & Cast
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Saving Grace: The songs ‘Gumshuda’ & ‘Layi vee na gayi’ (subject to shutting of eyes and not seeing the screen– a method patented by crazeebiddee)
Direction: Aziz Mirza (You can’t miss the ‘Nukkad meets Greece’ touch throughout the movie)
Insufferable irritants: A whole gaggle of supporting cast. Each vying for the minimum available screen time and your attention.
Additional Super irritant: Johnny Lever as a drunken beggar - shudders !!
Painted Face: Rani Mukerji in her career worst (go catch her Saathiya instead)
Ex-fiancé: Armani suits containing Jas Arora and Versace suits containing Jas Arora again.
Obnoxious Trucker: Shahrukh Khan in his career worst too(just imagine)
