LORD OF THE CARDS. Review on ABN Amro Credit Card

Movie : LORD OF THE CARDS !!

Produced by: ABN AMRO

Hero : Me

Anti Heroine : sales rep

Extras : entire AAB crew and the IVR Phone

Playing at : Nearest location to u

Direction Dialogue Screenplay : ME again

SYNOPSIS : A good card. If you want to get one then go ahead !!! Just pay your bills on time. Otherwise you are in for a lot of trouble-believe me the rules have more holes than an old underwear!!

Rest you can read at your own risk as its pretty lengthy !!

Disclaimer : Any resemblance of characters in the story to people living or dead is FULLY intentional.

(Part 1 : Fellowship of the cards)

It was hot and sultry day as any other day in March. And there I was working away in office against some deadline or the other. Suddenly my cell jangled with all the hidden mysteries of what lay ahead. They say curiosity killed the cat and I willingly played the role by answering the call. After all how many of us mortals have the mental strength to ignore a ringing phone.( sure my cell has a silent mode but then that defeats the whole purpose of connectivity)

Enter the antiheroine with a killer (pun intended) plot of a AAB gold international credit card. My interest was further fired as this was supposed to be a smart card with some built in chip carrying all important information. For a minute my mind flashed a happy scene with me and my prestigious smart card and then I knew that I had bitten the bait.I had to have that card. Plus according to her my yearly fees of 2000 would be waived off.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and again on a typical march day I got my card in hand. Extremely pleased at having got a good deal I placed it in my purse. Im sure that the other lowly silver and normal gold cards would have turned green with envy, having to share their space with the new hi-fi ABN entry. I went through the first month swishing my card for every rhyme and reason be it for petrol or for potatoes.

(Part 2 : The two terrors)

I got my first statement and suddenly I was brought back to earth with the harsh realities of the term ''payment''. With the voice clarity of a ST bus applying brakes at a junction I hollered '' what the F*&%?''. A venomous amount of 2000 was staring me at the face, grinning like the cheshire cat. I called up their customer care and from then on I was transported to the home town of cheshire cat - Wonderland. I had to get through the maze of options that would invariable take you back to main menu page. Using my years of combat experience from playing comp games I battled on for more than 15 Mts and then I realised the sheer inginuity of the babe with the metallic voice. She would invariably take you back to the main menu until you get tired of the never ending battle and just cough up the money. Luckily my ST bus imitation had cleared my trachea and so I was in no mood for any coughing.

I changed tactic and decided to ignore her parry and thrusts and play dead and just held the line. And that brilliant action of mine must have piqued the metallic chick coz then the wicked queen made an appearance.

The wicked queen said that the heroine has taken me for a ride and if I could name the person she would be fired immediately. Well since I was playing the role of a hero, getting her fired would put a black mark on my character. So I did not reveal her name but gave the queen a sales pitch of my own. What do you know.....she fell for it !! I got my charges reversed and I came out of wonderland having a good impression of my smart plastic friend and his team at funny land. I think I may have even taken a liking to the metallic chick at the IVR. While signing off with the queen I could sense the undertones that said '' You have won this battle but I will win the WAR..Bu ha ha ha .ha ha ha ....

(Part 3 : Return of the QUEEN)

Again fast forward past the monsoons and the autumn of yesteryear and I welcome you all to the bleak and chilly winter days. This was when I received my november bill.

As I was on tour for that month battling and trying to win my marketing deals I was not able to pay the bill on time and got late by 10 days.

Thats when the wicked queen decided to strike back with full force. With all the evil and hatred enclosed in that yellow and green statement letter, she hurled at me a late fee of 350 bucks and another 800 moolah as the interest amount. Even though I tried for the ST bus thingy again, nothing came out. Then I realised that the shock had blasted out my engine, transmission and all my 4 tyres.... YIPES...MAYDAY MAYDAY.....forget coughing up the money I could have coughed out my intestines at that point

Back to wonderland for me. And this time I had a bigger battle with the Metallo Babe. She had a new weapon called Phone PIN which I was not prepared for. That round she had me knocked out. I had to battle for more than half and hour with the minions before I could master that tactic and over power it. Well that was it for the day. And now suddenly the plastic friend had become a plastic freak. NOOOOOOOO....the hero will not be defeated like this. So then I encountered the wicked queen for the FINAL BATTLE for MIDDLE EARTH income. Well the revelation that came up in this battle was that if you dont pay your bill on time, interest is charged on your unpaid bill and every subsequent swipe of the card.So I was charged for the month of november and december. Im not a HERO of this story....IM A FOOL for not getting my basics right.

Change of tactics....Adaptation is the key to survival in this cruel place.I decided to go for a compromise this time and tried all my stunts..And I did have a lovely collection of threats,abuses,whining and pleading.. In the end of an 30 minute epic battle in which I bored her to death on various points she waved off my late fees of 350 rupees but I have to pay the 800.......YAAAAYYY victory for me....( you know ...like stallone in rocky where he wins but after losing a few teeth etc)

Now im just praying that everything has been settled and I now await for my latest statement and have to see if the queen will rear her ugly head out of wonderland. It seems that they had charged me with some insurance and now I could minus that from the amount and then pay it. I asked them if they had updated all the changes otherwise again I would be charged an interest for not paying up the entire thing. Im still not sure about my coming bill. All I can think of is

''THE EVIL EYE SEES ALL''

''One ICIC card, One HSBC Card and one CARD TO UNITE THEM ALL........ABN AMRO.''

ps: I still dont know what that chip does. I think they have removed them from old SIM cards and have stuck it on my card as an ornament.

: MY underwear does not have any holes.!! It was just for impact I wrote that