Laddies and gentulmann, I have come before you today to ask you to lend me your ears...blah, blah, blah.... and now, without further ado, I begin...
10 -topic ) you can lose 90% of your readers easily if you are careful when picking ur topic. Never
pick topics that are timely, or relevant, or have mass-appeal. pick a niche topic that will appeal to as
few people as possible. select chinese movies with no subtitles, pretentious books, outdated cell-
phones, dead people, combination gadgets (washing-machine that also shines shoes, or tongue-
cleaner/bottle-opener). Another thumb-rule is "more is better"- if a topic already has 5177 reviews,
then you should also try to write one more review on it.
9 - focus) a good 5% can be got rid of by writing off-topic. now that is so easy to do, I dont wanna
offer suggestions, but here's some ...write about yourself and your family. Or you can write about cats under Advice on How to Write Reviews on MS. The topic and matter should never match, that's all you need to know. You can frustrate your readers further by not telling them in your review title what it
is you're writing about.
8 -POV ) look, if everyone loves Mother Theresa, you must take the opposite view, to antagonise the
readers. This will lose about 3%, although controversy-seekers sometimes foul up your plan. A good method is to take the most negative/paranoid view of everything. Be very suspicious -you can claim that Mother Theresa was an alien/CIA operative doing biological experiments on slum-dwellers (your review does not have to be about any of that).Trash all icons, jeer popular views, make insane judgements. Readers must go away feeling hurt, bewildered, angry, ridiculed and trashed, if they are not to come back.
7 - flow ) textbooks tell you that all writing must have an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. ignore all that. start in the middle of a sentence, repeat yourself frequently. Never give any intros - let them figure out what you are talking about. Your review must sound like its going to some conclusion,
but must never arrive there. If you love having conclusions, make sure it has nothing to do with the
topic. You can start writing on cats, and conclude "Sauce is better than Ketchup". Confusion is the key to losing about 1% readership.
6 - format ) DONT! so that will lose another 2% of readers. (I find MS is very helpful here). those who actually finish reading will remain cross-eyed rest of their lives, as a punishment.
5 - style ) pick the style you suck at. if you're bad at humor, write funny. If you write like a dull textbook, or a physics lecture, even better. other styles available are...election speech style, letter to the editor style, drunken philosopher style, dope addict style, school essay style, newsreader style, kindergarten poem style - all are sure to lose another 3% readers.
4 - language) it helps if you are autistic, or dyslexic, or have very limited vocabulary. On the other hand, if you use several seven letter words in each sentence, that will have the same effect. Or like
me, you can write extremely long sentences. (one day, I plan to write a 2000-word review in one
sentence-but I'm saving that for my last review, naturally). Use sms language liberally, like "i cn dis
movi & it v v gud". You will lose 1.5 % of readers. (Actually sms language seems to be gaining
readers, so try something else, like Morse code or sign language.) Remember language should be used to confuse, not help comprehension. if all else fails, you can always write in Gujarati, and lose about 12% readers. (yeah, I know, that makes still too many gujaratis).
3 - facts) dont use them. or use them wrongly, which contradicts your own argument. or simply for no reason. Or use statistics to make a dull review duller - e.g. 5.3% of the people who vote can also speak Gujarati, while 3.3% of the voters waited 2.55 hours to vote. (This may lose about 23.33 % of the readers who are bad at math)
2 - examples) examples are great as padding material for your review. Direct quotes are even better. in fact, if you have enough examples, you dont even have to write anything. marvelous, isnt it? started writing a movie review, get stuck after two lines? no problem - quote the whole script, with dialogues, songs, sound-effects and camera angles. Five Best Hindi songs review? simple- write entire song lyrics, with translations into English, Gujarati, Tamil, etc if that is too short. (Recently, though, this method has been observed to actually gain readers rather than losing them, so its usefulness is doubtful. Maybe only 1.3% readers lost)
1 - USP) - what makes your reviews different from others? this is very important. do not be different in any positive way, if you must be different, it must be in a weird way. Maybe you only write about dead gay black musicians from Seattle. Maybe you talk about yourself annoyingly in the third person (Amor does like that, she does). Maybe you use exclamation marks in place of vowels ( Sh!hr!kh Kh!n !s th! gr!!t!st !ct!r !n th! w!rld !!!!!!!!) This should lose another 2% of readers.
Bonus tip - interaction) If all this somehow doesn't work, shower your readers in the comments section with personal abuse. Now that rarely fails.
poof - At this point, your audience has vanished. Be sure to repeat these steps every time you write, and soon, it will become second nature to you. But some people just have bad luck - no matter
what they do, people still keep reading them. In that case, only one way out - Dont write.
Good night.
ps. sorry I forgot to add a conclusion- the percentages in this review all add up to 132.13%!!!!. So what ????
You were still reading, weren't you? What did I tell you about statistics?
