'I feel like an idiot. Why the hell did I repeatedly watch the idiot box?'
Five long years ago, an eye inspection at my school revealed that apart from a phone number, I also had an eye number. A shockingly high one. It was amazing how I had managed to develop such a high number without noticing it and the opthalmologist warned me, 'If you do not wear spectacles constantly, Amitabh Bachchan will force you to rob a bank .'
Ek do teen chaar paanch, jamoore, ghoom jaa.
Now, I don't mind stealing banks, nor do I mind being trained by Sushmita Sen, but then, what's the use of being trained by her if I turn blind? So, I decided to visit an optician and sing a la Devang Patel'Chasma, chashma' (Chash's mother, Chash's mother)
I entered the optician's and saw a girl who resembled Penelope Cruz. I looked around and when I didn't see any over-protective Tom Cruise around, strode forward and banged into her. My convenient excuse was obviously that I didn't see her owing to my poor eyesight and for everybody's information, this incident took place before SRK's'Baadshah' released.
'What do you want?' asked a salesman.'I want woh wali magazines, do you have them in stock?' Seriously, the kind of questions people ask! It's obvious that one buys spectacles at the optician's and not sleazy magazines!
I was rushed into a tiny cubicle, wherein a man who strongly reminded me of Nana Patekar, complete with a monotonous tone which never changed its pitch, told me to sit down and read. I strained my eyes. He put a lens in front of my eyes and again commanded me to read.'C A D T .' After reading the entire sequence, I stormed out of the clinic and went to my kindergarten teacher's house with a complaint.'Ma'am, you didn't teach me the alphabet properly. The correct order is not A B C D, it is C A D T .'
After being convinced that the Nana Patekar clone had mixed up the letters purposely, I went back to the smart cookie's clinic. And became the proud owner of a pair of glasses. Don't worry, I am not drinking, I am not talking about Devdas' wine glasses, I was talking about the good old chashma.
I experimented with frames. My first frame was larger than my face. I became a girl magnet overnight; every girl would get repelled .
Came standard IX and a new girl joined school. The fact that she resembled Kareena Kapoor was reason enough for me to lose my heart, senses and . er no, I didn't lose it Moreover, it was reason enough for me to buy a new frame - a black metallic frame.
Around the same time, I was made the director of the play my house was putting up for the annual Dramatics competition. Now, in spite of the biting cold weather(by Bombay standards) that particular year, I never liked wearing a sweater. Since my mom used to force me to carry one everyday, it used to end up hanging around my neck, the way SRK did so in Mohabbatein. Add to that my black-rimmed spectacles and of course my name, and everyone used to ask me'Raj A Malhotra, where is your bhootni Trash?'
And then came the time when Mr. Scarface became famous. Now, I don't know why having long straight hair, flopping down on your forehead is equivalent to resembling Harry Potter, but that's what others felt. My spectacles helped, of course!
Apart from the serious identity crisis I was facing(Harry, Raj A Malhotra et al), I realised that spectacles are the prime reason that bowlers in cricket resort to chucking. Whenever I used to bowl, my hand used to brush m y spectacles and they would fall. The only way I could bowl without them falling was to resort to chucking. Akhtar and Muralitharan have a new excuse now .
Also, imagine kissing someone who wears spectacles. Add the fact that you too are unfortunate to wear them. Instead of lips, glasses meet. Shudder!
And so I was back to Mr. Nana Patekar.'Ab Tak Do Hazaar Chappan', he said, flashing his sixty-four teeth. I shuddered and was about to run when he added'2056 pairs of lenses I have sold.' I breathed more easily and bought a pair of semi-disposable Bausch & Lomb contact lenses.
Since then, whoever has troubled me has received the threat, 'Don't mess with me, I have contacts .'
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Now, whoever has experimented with lenses must have heard this 56 times, but let me rant on .
~ Learn how to wear and remove your lenses from the optician perfectly. Practise in front of him quite a few times, until you are confident.
~ Wash your hands before wearing the lenses.
~ Use a good cleaning solution. The best, in my opinion, is ReNu multi-purpose solution. A multi-purpose solution is always better because the same solution cleans the lenses as well as removes the harmful proteins.
~ Don't be a Sindhi. Er, I mean, don't be miserly while using the solution.
~ Try not to wear the lenses for more than 10-12 hours at a stretch. This duration varies depending on the type of lenses you wear, though.
~ Now, your lenses is not a person of the opposite sex, but if you have slept with them, don't panic. Try to open your eyes and put a couple of drops of the solution in your eyes. This should lubricate the lenses and they will settle more comfortably. Then, you can remove them.
~ If your eyes have dried before removing the lenses, add a drop of solution, as this will prevent the lens from breaking.
~ There is always a chance, especially, if you are a beginner, that your lens may fall off as you haven't worn it properly. So, always keep a spare pair of lenses, so that you do not have to wait for two days before getting back the clear vision, without the pain of wearing spectacles.
~ Cut your nails as long nails may harm lenses.
~ Remember that semi-disposable and fully-disposable lenses are much better than the ones which last you for a year. My dad had earlier used the annual ones and he informs that they were rather painful and not the best when it came to vision. Yours truly, from his personal experience can tell you that the disposable variety guarantee complete vision and absolute comfort.
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Yet, I still wear my spectacles, sometimes. This nikamma is extremely lazy and there are emergencies when he wakes up half an hour prior to an important lecture, which is why he is forced to wear his latest frame - a black round one, which forces everybody to call him Harry Potter.
And if you do not comment, I will curse Avada Kedavra!
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