Teer-Maara!
A play in three scenes
(with apologies to Cupid)
Act I, Scene 1
-The Lahore High Court-
Judge: The proceedings may begin. What is the charge?
Constable 1: Janaab, this grey haired youth was found loitering outside the Lahore bus stand. When picked up for questioning, he could not explain his presence.
Judge: Aap bina karan ke bus stand ke wahan kyun ghoom rahe the?
Teer (looking up from below his blanket): Janaab, darasal karan nahin aa saka, woh tab studio mein coffee pee raha tha.
Judicial Care (Prosecution): Huzoor, cross-examination ki koi zaroorat nahin. Yeh case Yashjee ke bheegi heroine ke salwar ki tarah bilkul transparent hain ?
Maara: (peeps out of a pillow and sings) ?Aisa dress hain mera?!
(A piano is heard)
Judge (looking grave): What is this music?
Prosecution: I think that was the late Madan Mohan practicing.
Judge: Please inform him that the next time he is late, he will be held for contempt of court.
Teer: As I was explaining, I had wanted to return this lovely paayal that I found at the leg-end of Maara when we were courting. The three days that I knew Maara in India when she came to immerse her granny?s ashes changed my life. That is all.
Prosecution: (sneers) Is that why your ?teen-din-ladki-in? romance is called leg-endary?
Judge (examines the ?paayal?): Do you have any other item (Shabbo stands up quickly in a low-cut dress but is quickly hushed) to justify your stand?
Teer: No, Janaab.
Ms. Seedhi-Kee: Your Honour, I think a trip to India is called for to gather more evidence.
Judge: Ijaazat hain. But make sure you don?t come back with another Teer. One is quite enough.
Ms. Seedhi-Kee: Shukriya, Janaab.
Act I, Scene II
-the golden fields of Punjab-
Some-Sher Singh: Arey, oh Basanti. Dekh koi kudi aayee hain. Kehti hain usey kisi Teeru ke liye evidence gather karna hain.
Basanti (jumps out of her charpoy): Veeru!
Ms. Seedhi-Kee: No, Maaji, Veeru is a fictional character from Sholay. The Teeru I speak of is a real-life flesh and blood lover, the stuff that legends are made of. At least that?s what the promos said.
Basanti: Ah, yes Teeru. ? (flashback)
(lights dim and we see Teer-Maara some fifty feet above the ground, dangling from a helicopter)
Teer: (winks) Hallo, I am Teer. Chhori, why is your hair so awry?
Maara: I am sorry - I am very very sorry. I shot this film in my pre-Pantene days.
Teer: Here, let me straighten it. By the way, what other positions do you know? Would you like to be on top?
Maara: Sure
(cut to next take. Maara is sitting on top of a bus. Teer seems to be rather glum.)
Maara (munching chanas): So this is your village.
Teer: Yes, complete with a golden khet, tube-well, and tractor. We even have three boys with runny noses bathing a buffalo. Would you like to try that?
Maara: I feel quite clean, thank you
Teer: Not to mention the besan ke laddoo and sarson da saag.
Maara: I am beginning to see why they called this a love-saaga.
(cut to next take)
Teer: Do you really have to go?
Maara: Yes, otherwise, my fiancé Mazaa will be upset. But I will remember you ? till my next film anyway.
Teer: (strikes a Devdas pose) How can I repay your love?
Maara: (tearfully) Oh, Teer ?
(fade in to Basanti telling her tale. Some-Sher Singh has fallen asleep and is snoring on her lap)
Ms. Seedhi-Kee: Maaji, payree parna. I must go back. I have had enough.
Act 1, Scene 3
-Lahore High Court-
Ms. Seedhi-Kee: (concluding) ?and so Teer had no choice but to languish in prison, my lord. But such was the undying love of their courtship.
Prosecution (sneers) I see they are still courting.
Judge: The jury will now consider their verdict.
(A hush falls)
Judge (reads out his judgement). ? tamaam sabooton aur expectations ko consideration mein lete hue, main yeh elaan karta hoon kee AUDIENCE ko theatres se ba-izzat riha kiya jaata hain...
(Audience rises gleefully. Teer-Maara gently disengage and go back to their make-up vans) (Curtain)
