Jun 13, 2005 12:38 PM
4485 Views
(Updated Jun 13, 2005 04:41 PM)
This review is dedicated to Sakshi aka lallupanju for three reasons.
a. she writes on radical subjects like these without any fear.
b. she's radical
c. she is anti anti-social elements and I have some mentioned in this mental writing.
a good swig of coke. aaaaaaaaah. here goes.
Why does one need advice on how to travel in a Bus?
Apparently, one needs advice to climb mountains, to go rafting, to bungee jump and even to leap off a mountain into the sea. all dangerous activities. Therefore, one needs advice on how to travel in a bus too because it ranks among some of the most dangerous activities of them all.
======== Anatomy of a bus ========
A bus has 6 wheels most times and a spare wheel which doesnt rotate because its not connected. When one of the tires get punctured, the spare wheel will get its turn. The bus has several seats inside it mostly meant for sitting. Sometimes 4 people sit in a seat meant for 2 and leads to lots of squeezing and other fun activities.
The bus has an engine which pushes it forward(or backward but never sideways). The bus driver is the man who sets the bus in motion and causes lots of emotion and commotion amongst passenger, commuter and pedestrian. The bus conductor has a nice job. He collects cash, issues tickets and winks at pretty girls. Sometimes pretty girls get emotional and slap the conductor.
Other vital parts of a bus include:
Loud blaring horns(that causes heart attacks among senior citizens)
A brake(that is never used or sparingly used)
A bell(to control the bus driver. sometimes the conductor does this with a whistle)
A first aid box(which is where the driver keeps his pet cockroaches and spiders)
and many more exciting parts(this is like saying etc.)
======== Uses of a bus ========
Well, there are two broad categories - public transport and private use. Public transport buses have a fixed route and carry passengers to and fro. Private use is when you book a bus for a wedding or a picnic.
=== Anti-social Elements In a Bus ===
The Pick Pocket:
This dude(or even dudette) casually gets in a bus and makes sure you reach home without your valuables. They use techniques such as'knifing' to slit open your pocket or purse to steal your cash.
Preventive Measures:
Put some gooey substance in your purse like tar or glue and wait for the pickpocket to put his hand in. heh heh. loads of fun.
Put a mouse trap or a lot of pins in your purse to inflict some pain on the pickpocket. Of course, if you forget you put them in your purse and you put your hand in. you'll be inflicting pain on yourself.
Best thing, leave your valuables in a locker or a safe place at home while traveling in a bus.
The Bottom Pincher:
Ah, these are the Mawaali(heh heh) type people who get into a bus just to pinch bottoms or try to act fresh with the ladies. These sexually frustrated individuals often end up getting beaten by the general public or by cops.
Preventive Measures:
This is very popular among college girls in South India. They carry a pin to poke any intruding hands.
Scream and make a lot of noise. When you do that, it awakens the brother and hero in all the men in the bus and they will make sure the bottom pincher will get his bottom kicked.
Stand up to the person and firmly tell them to back off. a person who resorts to this kind of cheap thrill is nothing but a coward.
The Ungentlemanly person:
A senior citizen boards a bus. No one gets up and offers a seat.
There is no preventive measure for this.
Other anti-social elements include:
-
The Paan Chewing Person(PCP)
The Megaphone Man(Eminem - loud mouthed retards)
The Influenza Influencer(Aye Aye - a person who knows he's sick but still wants to spread a little cheer and a lot of germs)
The Irritating Undulator - The IU is a person who stands right behind you in a bus and adapts their body to every bend and curve you have on your body. when the bus moves fast or hits the brake, this character will also move with you. Its like having a Siamese twin.
Finally, the Lunch Tosser - someone who couldnt keep food inside and had to let it all out.(this is a random event and you cannot blame the person for it).
=== List Of Precautions ===
Snatch the conductor's whistle and only return it to him once you are fully inside the bus. Otherwise, he'll blow it and you'll find 3/4ths of your body dangling outside the bus.
Inspect your seat before you sit(for chewed chewing gum or other ghastly substances)
Insure yourself. The way these nuts drive, you might end up in a hospital(or worse). You can also get poisoned by the rusty body parts of the bus too. Also, insure your valuables. against pickpockets.
Pray regularly.
=== Advantages of traveling in a bus ===
Fitness - you have to run many meters to get into a bus that has braked rather late and went well past the bus stop.
Faith - your faith in God is renewed each and every time you reach safely.
Great excuses -'Sir, I'm sorry I'm late for work, my bus ran into a transformer and we just missed getting electrocuted'
You meet interesting people like the ones mentioned above. Its also a lot cleaner than most cinema theatres.
You also learn some colourful words by reading stuff that people write in and on a bus(like the gaalis and the I love you type stuff)
=== What Else? ===
The usual stuff:
Dont put your hand and head out of a bus. You might end up separating a vital part from the rest of your anatomy.
Dont stand on the footboard. One bad turning and you might end up as a poster on a lamp post or as part of the road.
Hold on to something in a moving bus. Drivers can slam the brakes at any time and no one can do a damn thing about it.
Make sure you are near the door just before you reach your bus stop. Wading through the crowds at the last minute can cause a lot of grief(eg. your bottom will get pinched, your wallet gets stolen, you might injure yourself and so on)
Enjoy your ride!
~finis~
PS: some of the info might vary from nation to nation or state to state but. the ones I have seen fit this to a T.
