Additional Certificates. Review on Ten Worst Hindi Movies

I should have been content completing my education at Suyog School of Moral Sciences. But bad luck, I applied for admissions in RJ School of All Studies who offer excellent courses in all possible branches of education with a strict emphasis to maintain healthy levels of insanity in the students. The school specializes & prides in its unique technique of imparting knowledge through screening glorious Bollywood movies. If a student manages to come out unscathed and survives these classes, he/she collects graduation certificate from the University Head Office situated in the mental asylum building at Agra. Also a Master’s degree is obtainable by special enrollment into the academic division that features all Mithun, Govinda, Tusshar and ofcourse SRK starrers.

I recollect below my experiences as a student in this Doomed.. er.. Deemed University.

Semester 1: Basic course of less publicized modules

Begins with Prem Agan, a boring saga of parental opposition to a routine love story. The first and foremost lesson that I learnt was to strictly avoid all debutant star-kids’ movies for mental health reasons. This classic case study involves castor oil drunk android masquerading as Fardeen Khan who goes “I love you Sapna” in most inexpressive way to an equally pokerfaced Meghna Kothari who is possessed by a disgruntled soul of parakeet that squeaks shrilly whenever she opens her mouth. The students suffering from constipation could copy the purportedly Kamasutra-ish dance steps to improve their bowel movements.

Khushi taught me all about Personality Disorders. Kareena and Fardeen amply illustrated variety of split, cut, tattered, gnawed and mutilated personalities with their constant screeching, monkey faces and irate behaviour. A lesson on gender equality is addressed thru one-man-up efforts at consistent nagging by the lead pair. Also learn various voice modulations demonstrated by Kareena when she delivers her dialogues in octaves ranging from bear whispers to wolfy howls.

Prem ably addressed the contentious topic of reincarnation. Even the most atheists of people will incline towards spirituality and rebirth concepts, wishing that they died immediately and attained supreme beatitude of no more earthly life than to tolerate this explicit agony of watching a constipated Sanjay Kapoor in 2 full avatars. Additionally, I got a peek into the lifestyle of filmy tribals, their eccentric harbingering, ridiculous customs, silly costumes etc.

Jeans was full blurb for DNA clo(w)ning and beauty-modeling (not to be confused with sculpting/ molding. This is Ms.World TRYing to act). A hilariously dubbed arty work, it boasted double roles by all and sundry in every exotic location possible around the globe. A jarring melodrama of 2 higgledy-piggledy heroes essayed by dumbo Prashant, in love with bimbo Aishwarya who plays doppelganger roles of which one keeps transforming back and forth into a skeleton singing “Taka re taka re taka dim taka taka taka dim”, ludicrous brother, infuriating dad & an annoying granny, gave me a strong urge to slash my wrists instead of learning gene-splicing procedures.

Dil Toh Paagal Hein was my first-ever attempt at Geometry. A triangular love story that suddenly becomes rhombus in between and finally turns into a parallelogram by going rounds and rounds in clichéd circles. This movie taught me International Cultural Exchange drawing relations between Valentine’s Day and Poornamashi nights. Dance & songs galore, I learnt how to go “Chak dum dum” wagging non-existent tails in torrential rains. Techniques of tuneful whistling, hamming, shamming and an idea for designing flimsy floaty ragged costumes were bonus items.

Semester 2: Advanced level using phenomenal chapters

Yaadein edifies to value Amnesia and related medical conditions. How I wished for an instant memory blackout after watching this no story whatsoever flick of a father, 3 daughters and an over-paly neighbour. A Crocodile & a ghostly lady make guest appearances in between incoherent events of daughters’ weddings, music videos, gliding quills, outrageous college picnics, mouth freshener ad and long bhashans on equality of social status, poverty alleviation, world peace and nirvana.

Hum Saath Saath Hein is a complete tutorial in itself. It teaches firstly behavioural studies on how to conduct saccharine sweetly in a family before parents, in-laws, siblings, friends, would-bes, would-not-bes, servants, secretaries, people, the whole world and its granny. The module provides lessons in nutrition & diet, table manners and dining etiquette since the whole family indulges only in group banquets all the time. Importance of travel, tourism & wildlife are depicted thru entire family trip in a family bus during someone’s honeymoon, to watch dancing peacocks in Rajasthan and coo at them. Similarly, emphasis on literacy is seen in educational songs like ABCDEF.. One learns all about family theatrics to stage crackbrained song shows in a family auditorium big enough to house over 1000 members. And if ever I chance upon such a family I am sure go on a shooting spree similar to that Nepal crown prince.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hein highlights absurd chronology loosing all sense for time, age and period. A college dandy trying hard to look COOL marries the sexy dudette ignoring a crybaby tomboy. And after 8 long years, the dandy is daddy to a pesky pup but the tomboy now suitably domesticated and all decked up is still a bachelorette pining away in his love though engaged elsewhere. The movie promotes Archie comics’ reading which is comparatively more believable and entertaining. Brief intro into Astro-watch & celestial bodies like shooting stars are also given. Besides learning about more hamming, dirge, wedding songs, the additional knowledge I gained was in veterinary medicine on how to cure an anthropoid if it catches cold.

Main Prem ki Diwani Hoon explores alien landscapes complete with snow-peaked mountains, grasslands, forests and seacoast all in same ecological zone. After such bizarre eco-environment study, the movie also gives lessons in oceanography, mountaineering, stable keeping, cycling, animatronics etc. For better understanding of various facets of this admonitory movie, the school underlines a compulsory read of a master thesis available at the following link. https://mouthshut.com/readreview/40573-1.html

Kabhi Kushi Kabhie Gam the ultimate movie giving gyaan on parent-children relation. A weepy saga of a rich family whose adopted son opts for love marriage to jabbering joker much to the dislike of his father while biological son flexes biceps for a snooty ‘whatever’ babe. The parents’ mean time sing karva-chauth songs, crinkle eyes, crease faces and weep bucketfuls, only to be rejoined later by other cross-dressed family members, one by one and in groups. I graduated with flying colours using SRK’s dialogues for speech therapies, Kareena’s fashion statements in nudist colonies, Mr & Mrs Big B’s weeping for decorative fountains in the lawn and by having abundant patience towards epicene director of this movie.