It is pretty simple to make a generic list of worst choreographed songs in Hindi movies thus. Any such songs:-
~ which feature a shirtless Salman Khan/ Anil Kapoor
~ in which Shahrukh Khan nods his head vigorously, and, holds his arms wide open waiting for the heroine to run into them.
~ in which Jackie Shroff wants to dance/ Bobby Deol smiles mouth agape
Wasn’t that cunningly easy? However deeper investigations will make you wonder why actors and actresses ever agree to participate in the following songs, proving to the world how they can be complete and utter dumbasses:-
A Station in Mad-land
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~ Diskohh Steyshunn – Hathkadi
Reena Roy (I’m sorry to sully the hallowed environs of MS by mentioning this name) in jazzy-jugmug clothes and a side ponytail, went searching for someone in a place mysteriously called ‘Diskohh Steyshunn’, where the engine drivers and ticket checkers are dwarfs, with commuters in costumes of different Indian states. Enigmatically, everyone at ‘Diskohh Steyshunn’ wears masks. Royji goes about the arduous task of removing these masks one by one, to find an embarrassed Mukri, a giggling without any perceivable reason TunTun, so on till she removes the last mask to discover a sulky faced, gun totting Shatrughan Sinha, cross with the whole world. In between, she does something that was mislabeled ‘disco dancing’ in the early 80s.
The Pouting Posing Adonis
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~ Oh Ajnabi – Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon
To go stepwise. Hritik on a beach. Hritik shirtless. Hritik with a tiara on his head. Hritik pouting. Hritik posing. Hritik flexing muscles. Hritik smiling knowingly into the camera while it rotates all around him. Hritik watching his own nipples. We won’t talk about Kareena. Still want to know why this song made it here?
I’m Stung
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~ Bichoo Bichoo Bichoo Mujhe Kaat Khayega – Chamatkaar
Was SRK always the undisputed ham-king? Make way for a ham-queen that existed during her pre-Rangeela days, when Urmila Matondkar was a frisky li’l gal that gave around 47 all different expressions within 20 seconds. Somehow, she fears a scorpion might sting her, hence the resultant emotions. SRK mistakenly enters a ladies compartment of a train and without delay starts his usual irritating cute boy act, while Urmila and her friends skip, prance, do judo-chops, and otherwise playfully dance around him. To make the handsome look more handsome, SRK is made to wear powder, make up and hair clips.
Rhythmic Badminton
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~ Dhal Gaya Din(Ttockk) Ho Gayi Shaam(Ttockk) Movie?
I have tried this a number of times and have always failed. My badminton shot just doesn’t give that ‘Ttockk’ sound that the two players achieve to effortlessly in this song, in perfect rhythm and meter. Jeetendra, in virginal white, meets his girl for a badminton match at an indecent hour. Tell me who plays badminton wearing a pink chudidaar suit? Leena Chandavarkar!
Stomp Stomp Stomp
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~ Yaara O Yaara – Jeet
Its almost indecipherable till you observe closely. That Sunny Deol has a thing against insects and related creepy-crawlies. Under the pretext of a romantic interlude, in an Alpine meadow with Karisma, he goes about their brutal extermination. Why do directors who sign on Sunny Deol make him dance? Besides being painful for audiences, its evidently painful for the man himself. He even attempts the then in vogue, courtesy Govinda, pelvic thrusts, but ends up thrusting all else but the pelvis.
What Exactly Was This?
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~ Sarkaileo Khatiya Jaada Laage – Raja Babu
Govinda and Karisma conduct something that would wake the dead and stun the living. In a dark moonless night, atop their shifting cots they strike kama-sutra-esque poses with a pillow separating them. Suddenly, things take a drastic turn when, Karisma decides to pick up her red satin lungi and conceal her head in it, however this does not interrupt the dancing. Aside from grabbing each other waist and posterior simultaneously, the two also are keen to display how a baby monkey clings on its mother, with Govinda on all fours and Karisma clinging under him using her limbs.
Ooh! We are so Coy
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~ Samdhi Samdhan – Hum Aapke Hain Kaun
Now this is considered as the emotional high-point of the movie, signifying the giving away of a daughter to her in-laws, please kill me but I simply couldn’t take it. Alok Nath (shudders) and Rima Lagu (shivers). To watch them exchanging secret glances with such innocence, such naïveté. Uhhhh! Makes me want to throw myself into a pool of stagnant water and drown.
Ageless Body, Timeless Mind
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~ You Know My Age I’m 30 plus 9 – Krantiveer
Nana Patekar(!) goes to a discotheque(!), with Atul Agnihotri(?) and Mamta Kulkarni(!?!?). He sits morosely at a bar stool nursing his drink while Atul and Mamta conduct aerobics on the dance floor. Buxom Bindu enters the club, eyes all the men, and on spotting Nana sashays straight to him and admits that her age is 30 plus 9. Who could ever think of all this?
Slither you, Slither me
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~ Tere Sang Pyaar Main Nahi Chhodna - Nagin
Dear Reena Roy (sorry again) and Jeetendra! OK, so you guys are ichhaadhaari snakes and have to dress up weird and slither over each other in a Chandivali Studio set made to tackily resemble an Amazonian forest. But pray what is the meaning of passing your tongues over your lips, in a manner solely seen among eunuchs begging at traffic signals.
And since its always healthier to end with a laugh
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~ Dil Ding Daang Ding Bole – Kucch Toh Hai
Hahahahaha Stop it Tusshaar Kapoor, pleeeaase stop it. I can’t laugh so much at one time. Hahahahaha.
4 also rans in the comments section
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