Apr 21, 2005 10:03 AM
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(Updated Apr 21, 2005 05:22 PM)
Ayelet Waldman’s Essay about loving her husband more than she loves her children is, I think, somewhat superficial. Perhaps, some people think on this level, rather than analytically. I, however, cannot help but to dig deeper to a more clarified resolve. If you regard her essay as stating that the marriage is the bond that holds a family together and therefore, provides stability for the children, perhaps it will not seem to be as selfish of a statement as it may seem to some.
Unfortunately, the passion (or lack of, in some cases) and choice of phrases that are used in her essay lead one to believe that she truly is selfish or unimpressed by her own children. I doubt this to actually be the case though. During her interview on the Oprah show, it was stated that she actually told her daughter that she loved her husband more than she loved “her” and this seems to be an unnecessary statement for a child to try to comprehend. Clearly, the love we have for our child is tremendously different than that we have for a spouse, as it is different from the love we have in any other relationship, as well. I cannot condone confusing a child in this way; however, I believe that the underlying statement in her essay has an amazing message.
It is a concept that is, all too often, forgotten and certainly not easily obtained…“To keep the passion in the marriage” or to keep each other as the center of our universes. In this essay, she compares how she might overcome the death of one of her children versus the death of her husband. I can imagine that this comparison triggered chills down the backs of many of her readers and left some aghast. The mere thought of something like this happening is inconceivable, to most of us, and hardly something that we can predict our reaction to. Her statement of being able to eventually manage the loss of a child while, a life without her husband as being void of any possibility of future happiness is shocking.
I hope that she came to this conclusion largely based on the thought that her partner is a vital role in coping with the loss of a child, rather than a value she has placed on their lives. It also occurs to me that we cannot place our needs to cope on our children, they may be therapeutic in their own way, but cannot be our main support. Ayelet also stated during the interview that she wants to raise children who do not feel as though their mother is dependant upon them. She wants them to leave her home as confident individuals. Given this information, her statement about such losses can take on a more practical meaning…the children grow-up and perhaps take on partners of their own, while she would be left behind. Still, the comparison is mind-blowing, as it is too unnatural to lose a child.
There is no doubt that her essay is controversial and perhaps does not spell out everything to her readers. It seems her writing and perhaps her personality are less complex than we are used to, or perhaps she is more complex?? It doesn’t mean that she is right or wrong in her views, but that they are her own. She certainly does seem honest.
Review is based on Ayelet Waldman’s essay…
Truly, Madly, Guiltily
Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company
Date of Publication: March 27, 2005 Sunday
Section 9; Column 1; Style Desk; MODERN LOVE; Pg. 11
