‘Engilsh….Part I’ generated enough heat to merit a sequel. I somehow got the impression(from the feedback) that I was being insensitive to those who were from a Hindi medium background. Well, nothing of that sort friends, I was only expressing my concerns at the lack of accountability of substandard English language coaching ‘institutes’. Nevertheless, the whole(and wholesome) debate aroused in me a burning desire to delve deeper into the complex pathology of mispronunciations, and hence, this Part II. Please note that THIS review is indeed an exercise in frivolity written with the sole purpose of amusing the reader. Don’t sleep over it! And please understand that this is with malice(maalish) to none!
The saga begins right at the grass roots. Nursery and Kindergarten. Most schools pay very little attention to the diction of the English alphabet. You just can’t deny it. Though I have happily forgotten the way I was taught the English alphabet, one of my close colleagues(a child specialist) has been associated with primary school health programs and thanks to him, I have had the opportunity to visit primary classes of a few schools(including some English medium convent and public schools too) with him. So, this can be trusted as a first hand report. Time and again, I have been shocked out of my wits by some outrageous pronunciations which the tiny toddlers are taught in these nursery classes. The typical alphabet training(our National English rhyme!) goes like this: (you really have to sing along loudly to savour the flavour!)
A fore(for) eppal [apple] …. Rather it is ay-ppal
B fore bole [cat] …….bo…ole
C fore for kate [cat] ……kay….ate
D fore dogue [dog]…and – so – on ….
The rhyme continues like this in undulating monotones of the teacher followed by a riotous chorus of the tiny tots.
E for alli-phaint [elephant].(And Ali fainted!)
Aff(F) for frogue [frog]
G for girl
Atch(H) for hoarse [horse]
I for inkpot [sometimes – inkpoat!]
J for Jake-all [jackal]
K for Kaa-it [kite]
Al(L) for Loin lion
Amm(M) for Mong-ki [monkey]
Ann(N) for Nest
O for o-range
P for Pay-rote [parrot]
Q for Queen
R for Rate [rat]
Now the best one…
Ass(S) for Sheep
(I was suddenly perturbed to think how my name would be spelt: Ass-you-dee-aai-pee-tee-O!)
T for Trane [tray…ane: train]
U for Umbrella
V for Vane [van]
Dabloo(W) for Water
Ax(X) for Axmas tree
Y for Yach(70%) / Yote(30%) [yacht]
Jade(Z) for joo-oo [zoo]….the stress on ‘oo’ is never missed.
The seeds are sown. The child would happily go home, eat his eppal,play with his dogue, ride an alliphaint and chase away a loinin his dreams and wouldn’t ever come to know the correct pronunciations of the names of his favourite animals and birds. Now this linguistic framework of alphabet training is surprisingly widespread in North India(you may or may not agree with me but that’s what I have unfailingly observed in school after school). Some alert parents may identify the malady and set things straight, but not always. On the flip side, you may be tempted to ask “Why bother so much about pronunciations?” Actually, the whole issue shouldn’t be much of a concern to us, only that we are too ill equipped and divided as a nation to work and evolve on a single ‘national’ language platform. English was, is and shall remain the roller skates for us to progress, at least in the foreseeable future.
But one thing about it is really so sweet. You really can’t find another language so malleable, so soft, so supple and so compliant that you would hardly ever feel the need to conform to standards! Within India itself, there must be umpteen dialects in which English is spoken. You have Tamil English, Bengali English, Rajasthani English, Bihari English, Haryanvi English, Bhojpuri English, North Indian English, Delhite English, Kashmiri English and what not. International dialects include French English(truly atrocious…ever watched ’Allo ’Allo? Or Pink Panther!), Arab English, Mabutu English, Kazakh English(Borat!); the list is endless. Commenting on all other sundry dialects is strictly beyond my purview, though I just cannot hold back the irresistible urge to pick few Bonglish(Bengalified English) samples and lay it on a platter for you to appreciate and enjoy!
Kolkattan English has a unique rasogolla like flavour, maachher kaaliya(fish korma) like aroma and a tangy jhalmoori *(spiced up puffed rice) like taste. Nothing but an exotic delight of lingual gastronomy. Seen Baappida on stage….or by Pranob kaka before the Parliament! “Tha Indiaan Gobharment is bhery seriaas about tackeling intaarnashanaal terrarism.”
Ask a Bong about life in general, and he would break into a sentimental rhapsody.
In nineteen sebenty phibe, howen I waas seben yeaars old, I waas chased by a beeg stray dog, and I litarally ran across tha Howrah Breej in fipteen sekends. I think I ran phastaar than Carl Leewees! Had tha gobharment chosen me phor 100 mitaar race in Olimpic, I would hab brought a Gold Medel phor India…
Ask a Bong if he smokes or drinks….Smoking? Only waan packet paar day. Uills Classic. O…I am bhery selectib about drinks. I prefaar only Tich-arse Choice. Naathing else. No beer teer or bhodka phodka. And waan peg only. Before dinnar. You know….littil bit of drinking is actuaali good for haart! And shaala my wife daas not allau me to drink more. Bheri alaart….hahahahaha!
Enquire about his passions….Phutball…I laabh phutball. Mohon Bagan. I jaast laabh their green and howite outphit! Howen I waas in college, I played phor their B team. And then shaala I got married…that ruined my dreem of playing phor Mohon Bagan. And cricket?…Cricket is jaast hopeless. No team ephort! Ebhrybody wants to do adbhartisement! See Sri Lonka…reached tha phinaal!
And on fidelity….It is bhery important to be phaithful in marriage. We hab so meny female colleagues….it is so easy to be dibharted! Baat, you maast show discipline yourselph. So, my rule of thaamb is – abhoid eye contact. All contacts begin with eye contact. So, when you are talking to a phimale colleague, don’t ebhaar look into the eyes…look elsewhare…I mean look away.
And finally, whom does he admire…Ronaaldinho, Kopil Deb, Maadhuri, Omitabh, Shourob Ganguly, Mollika, Bhibh Richaards, Shakira(uff!), Aambani, President Aabdul Kalam, Bipasha, and meny more…
This delightful conversation may go on and on and on….
So friends, I sign off. Would have loved to include a few saamples of the Tamilian / Malayali version of spoken English too. As Subrahmanyam, our good old CA regularly advises me – “Saar, wonly invest in Yes I Pee.”But I must draw a line now!
Waiting for you in the comments section…with a helmet and padded up at all the vulnerable places.
Sudipto Chakravarty
