Apr 18, 2007 11:43 PM
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(Updated Apr 18, 2007 11:46 PM)
Dad – “Why do you want to marry him?’
Me – “I like his sense of humour. He makes me laugh!”
Dad – “Jokes pe zindagi nahi nikalti!”
Now to any sane person, it may sound like a stupid reason, the way it did to my Dad. But it mattered to me somehow. My folks agreed and his folks agreed and Mayunk and me decided to get married and have been blissfully so for over past two and a half years.
Marriage is one of the biggest decisions most of us take in our life. It’s a commitment to be together forever through good and bad of not just the situations but your partner also. It works out for some and fails miserably for others.
Whatever it maybe, it’s an institution that has survived for centuries and something I believe in completely. So I had no qualms picking up “Spouse” by Shobha De whose earlier non-fictional book Speed Post is very close to my heart.(Check out Shanti’s review to read about that one!:)
The book is divided into quite a few chapters that touch upon almost every aspect of married life and things a couple goes through. Since I am going to attempt NOT to make a PHD length document out of this, I am trying to club quite a few of the chapters that touch connected issues and make sense out of it.(Sense isn’t promised though!;)
*Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai
*Communication… the most underrated and underused tool in marriage. She touches upon how her hubby and she religiously follow a talk time routine every evening. It may seem odd for some, to specially keep time out just for some batiyaana, but I think it’s a super thing to do. In our busy schedules these days where both tend to work we just tend to forget how important it is to simply talk! To share little things that are happening and the big things those need to be discussed. Sometimes it might not even be actual bakbak… but just spending time with each other on daily basis. Be it in the mornings or that half an hour post dinner.
*Sex and the City
*Our ancestors have written the Kama Sutra, yet marriage for a lot on desis is still first initiation into world of passion and pleasure that sex brings along. From frenzied “let’s make a night to remember” love making in initial days to “not tonite, honey!” can be a stressful journey. Sex is an important part of married life and it’s worth extending this pleasure trip for as long as you can. The physical intimacy is something that cannot be replaced by any amount of intense conversation in your shaadi. If you feel that sparks aren’t there, do something special to get them there! Surprise each other every once in a while. Give each other tantalizing Aroma Therapy massages or wow him with some ultra sexy lingerie. Arrange a special dinner or get away for a short break. But keep that fire burning! If you are tired a lot of times, mark a time to get together and treat each other to a sensual trip!:)
*It ain’t always about sex, baby!
*While Sex is there to heat it up, your regular hug or that peck on cheek before you go to work is your comfort zone! Indians, by nature are not very demonstrative of affection, in words and especially so, physical touch. But a single touch can say a lot more than hundred words can at times. So go on, give that occasional back rub or pat his/her head, run your fingers through the hair and it may just lead to more interesting stuff too!;)
*Albert Pinto ko Gussa kyon aata hai?!
*Fights are an inseparable part of married life. So, arguments WILL happen and how you deal with it is what will decide how it affects your marriage. When fighting about something, stick to the issue(don’t bring up old stuff!), breathe deeply before you come out with hurtful words that you cannot take back. Distance yourself for sometime, think and then talk about why it happened in the first place. Say sorry when you mean it. Most important rule, that WE religiously follow, is to NEVER sleep on a fight. Kiss and make up before you say good night!:)
*Games People play
Marriages are not perfect, but some of them turn out to be down right dirty! This is what De calls a “foul” marriage. It becomes foul when either partner abuses the other either physically or emotionally. Its when one partner uses his/her power over the other to gain control in the relationship! It may be a prettier wife who uses her beauty to get her way with her hubby without giving anything in return or an earning husband who uses his power of money to get the upper hand. Marriage is NOT a power game. The moment your self respect is getting trampled upon and cannot be okayed by talking it over, its time to move out and on. Divorce isn’t dirty when marriage is!
*Are you kidding me?
*Having a child is the next momentous decision couples take. While it was assumed earlier, today with both having demanding careers, it’s a well thought out plan. Couples tend to get alienated with each other as “couples” when kids happen as if they can play either the role of a parent or spouse and not both. Though I have no experience of this, I intend to work on it very hard. DE says men tend to feel out of place with their wife devoting all the time to the kid, while wife is all worried about so many changes… physical and emotional happening within her. It’s important for BOTH to be a part of the entire process so that the connection just gets stronger.
*Bewafa Sanam
*Infidelity is and will always be a dirty word. How much ever liberated and open minded we become, the guilt or betrayal will eventually catch up with us. Lot of men say, the one night stands don’t count, they just help spice up the dull married life. What if that moment of spice comes back to haunt you? How many such one night stands DON’T count as infidelity? Same goes for women. It just shows that your marriage is not healthy and you really need to work on it to make it special again!:)
*Khaandaan aur saasu ma
It is all well to say that Joint Families are a great and all that, but for a new girl who has left everything she has known behind it cannot be an easy task. It’s a delicate balance of individuality and family, where funnily the entire load of expectation is on the girl only! Logically it is the family that should go out of the way to make new bride comfortable in the new environment and she is sure to return the favour. *If you have apprehensions making adjustments, take a call before you get into marriage itself. I for one, prefer the nuclear family totally with its pros and cons.
Mother in law or MILs these days prefer staying out of bahu’s way equally. Yet, you can always make life simpler by being nice. Ignoring a lot of things is a definite do!:) Other than that, buy nice gifts for her, ask her opinion about a few things, ask for recipes and whenever you have a problem of substance, talk it over. **DO NOT make husband pingpong ball between you n MILS. *The poor guy can never win and you will be miserable.
Continued in comments!:( I swear I tried!
