''Papa, kahan hai aap?'' No, I am not in such a bad plight that I would buy a Reliance; that was just something like the question my Dad always used to ask whenever I used to reach home late. The only difference that instead of a nice, polite (and diabetically sweet) line, he used to sternly interrogate, ''Where on earth have you been?''
Realising that attaching a micro-transmitter to my watch would be of no use, my father reluctantly agreed to buy me a cellular phone. ''Buy something that's good, yet cheap,'' he suggested. So, there begun my job of deciding which cell phone I should buy. I spent hours surfing on the net, checking out various models (cellular phone models, you pervert!) and finally decided that the descriptions on the net sounded too good to be true and since I had not discovered MS at that time, I decided to take my friends' opinion. ''Tu aur mobile? Umm ... S 420 lena, it will suit you.'' Like an innocent lamb, I enquired at the shop for an S 420, only to realise that S 420 was no cell model ... it simply meant 'Ass 420 !''
Needless to say that the incident left me muttering stuff best left unsaid. I decided that I had to decide on a model myself (cellular model again!). The first model I saw was a Samsung R 220. Its blue light looked pretty cool, according to me, so I decided to check out the sound reception. My fingers raced across the keypad as I expected to hear the sweet voice of my girlfriend. ''Hey, Raj!'' the voice boomed. I crouched under the nearest table and trembled with fear. ''H-h-h-h-hello, I swear she was just a friend, I'm sorry if I did anything wrong. Please don't be angry.'' Eventually, it turned out that my girlfriend wasn't angry. It's just that the Samsung R 220 is so loud that it makes a muttering Sanjeev Kumar sound like a bellowing Sunny Deol!
I decided that an R 220 wouldn't help me determine my girlfriend's mood, and so, I decided to buy the second phone I saw, a Nokia 3350. Its blue and silver colour looked just like me - confused. On testing, I realised that my girlfriend now sounded like Kareena Kapoor, which made me like them even more ( 'them' as in my girlfriend and the phone)
Today, almost a year after having used and misused my 3350, I now consider this phone as a substitute for my girlfriend. ( We broke up because of Salman Khan. For more details, refer to my review on Juice!) So, meet my girlfriend, who goes by the name of 3350:
Complexion : My girlfriend has an exotic look. Blue and silver, displaying moods, I guess. Moreover, she looks great when I wear my blue shaded jeans, which look just like her.
Address : My beloved Nokia 3350 is always in my jeans pocket. Yeah right, my girlfriend lives in my jeans!
Vibrator : My girlfriend shakes her booty with aplomb. The vibrator is extremely strong, though it sometimes feel strange to have your girlfriend shake herself inside the pocket of your jeans!
Backlight : She glows with a yellowish green light. When someone tries calling me up, my girlfriend glows as if she is in a discotheque. In other words, the backlight flickers on receiving a call.
Messaging : The only negative part about my girlfriend. She takes too much time (all girls do, don't they? ) I press the button to open the Inbox, and leave for my college. By the time I reach college, my girlfriend has opened it. (The inbox, you pervert!)
The dictionary function is extremely convenient and my girlfriend knows many languages including Indian ones.
Profiles : I bet that no guy in this world can boast of a girlfriend whose volume he can control. When she irritates, mute her by selecting 'Silent' and when you want to hear her melodious voice singing your praises at the top of her voice, activate 'Loud'.
Tones : She even loves to sing. When a specific girl calls, she sings 'Saathiya' while when one of my tutors call, she croons 'Who let the dogs out?'. In short, one can set different tones for different contacts! For the budding musicians, one can compose his own tones! (I just love this function!) The tones are extremely loud and can wake anyone apart from his beauty sleep ... everyone apart from Kumbharkarna and me.
Keylock : For all prying eyes who explore my girlfriend, she locks herself after a specified time limit. One can specify the key-lock timing from a second to a minute.
Picture Editor : Imagine, she is artistic as well! One can edit or create pictures, though I have found this function a little difficult.
Games : Quit playin' games with my heart ... Actually, that's what she says as I keep wearing her energy (battery) down by playing games. Snake II, Space Impact, Dance 2 Music, Bumper, Link 5 and Magic Draw are the available games. Snake II, Bumper and Link 5 are extremely engrossing, although one major complaint for the gaming freaks would be that Snake II is extremely slow, compared to other Nokia cells.
Calculator : Sigh! She is calculative! Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication and Division are the functions I can carry out with my girlfriend. Do I need to remind you of the joke about adding a girl to the bed and then subtracting something, dividing something and ... ?!
Reminders : Like all nagging girlfriends, even this one keeps reminding you about important events!
Clock : A timer with a loud alarm. Don't worry, folks, my girlfriend isn't like Subodh of 'Dil Chahta Hai'!
WAP : W.A.P. = What A Piece!
By now, I guess that you must have fallen in love (and lust) with my girlfriend ... Keep off! Don't you touch her! She is mine, not for sale! Though of course, if my review has influenced you, you can buy one of her siblings at the nearest Nokia dealer. (The latest price is between Rs.4500 and Rs.5000, depending on whether you are a criminal or not, that is, whether you buy a grey market piece or not.)
Disclaimer: Nokia hasn't paid me yet for publicising them, I'm still waiting for my commission!
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