Kalti Classics #2- Mard. Review on Mard

As promised I am back with my series of Kalti Classics.  This time, on a movie, which basically defined most of the 80's movies. Honestly this is a movie, which one could not make any sense of, nor does one have any clue in which era it  was set. The movie is ostensibly about the freedom struggle, but the costumes are a weird mix of all styles right from  Roman style gladiatorial dresses to  black vinyl suits to Spanish flamenco dresses to gypsy dresses.

So the year is somewhere in the 19th century, when a brave king called Azad Singh( Dara Singh) who is fighting the bad Angrez. He is supported by a kind hearted Angrez lady  Helena( Helen). Basically what is with these Gori Mems, be it Mard or  Lagaan, they always have a soft corner for the natives. Anyway Madame Helena,  proves to be the proverbial "kabab mein haddi" for  the Angrez.

Unable to do anything with Madame Helena and  King Azad, the Angrez take the help of local Gaddaar,  Dr. Harry or is it Hari( Prem Chopra), who betrays Azad to the British. The king is captured and sent to one of those nasty concentration camps, where he suddenly changes into a Roman Gladiator's costume, wig and all. And that lead to my first **Dharma Sankat. Did the Angrez run concentration camps?  And did those camps have Roman Gladiators?  .

Now Dr. Harry is Mayor Harry, and he has a daughter called Ruby( Amrita Singh). And that led me to my second Dharam Sankat and the major one too.  Who is Ruby?  Is she a man or a woman?Kahin yeh to nahin ki, director wanted to name the movie Mardani, and by mistake made it as Mard. Also where does she come from?  At times she wears a Spanish flamenco dress, at times she is in a Gypsy outfit? Did Dr. Harry have some kinda Spanish mistress, who was Gypsy too? But just as I am settling down to the fact, that she could be Latina, she suddenly changes into a Black leather dominatrix outfit, whip in hand, and screaming gaalis. Now wait, did Dr. Harry have an American mistress somewhere, coz now where in the movie was he shown married? Oh god, too many Dharam Sankats out here.

Anyway now Nirupa Roy, who has been  beatified by the Vatican as The Patron Saint of  Lost and Found Kids, once again gets separated from her husband, and keeps her record of misplacing kids, this time to a horse. The missing kid, now grows up to be Raju( Amitabh Bachan), who comes on a tonga,  singing in Shabbir Kumar's inimitable voice "Marad  Tangeewala Main Hoon, Marad Tangeewala, Mujhe Dushman Kya Maarega, Meri Dost Uper Waala".  Literally translated it means " I am a Man Tonga Driver,  What will Enemy Kill Me, My Friend is God".  Anyway our man Tangeewala has a horse called Badal, and a dog called Moti as his friends, ala the Phantom. The only thing missing was the Skull Cave and Diana.

But since Alpha Male Tangeewala Raju needs to  have a Diana, she comes in the form of Ruby.  So now it shifts to Taming of the Shrew. If  Ruby was confusing, Raju is even more confusing. At times he is in a dress, that looks a cross between an Indian peasant and a Mexican noble. At times he is like a Mexican bandido, and in song he also pops in as a Christian father. Anyway  now our Alpha Male Raju, has to divide time between  showing Ruby who is the asli Mard, and also fighting the bad Angrez. After some taming sequences, Ruby  agrees that she is the nakli, and the asli Mard is our ownTangeewala Raju. And in the mean time Raju is busy fighting the Angrez, so he smashes a board called "Dogs and Indians not allowed" on a Gora Saab's head,  he blackens Dr. Harry's  face with the ashes of a dollar bill( or is it Pound) and also does matchmaking for his horse.

And yes apart from our Alpha Male Mard, here we have the horse and dog, doing all kinda stunts.  So the dog defuses bombs,  has a sixth sense, and the horse pulls out Raju from a quicksand. And a tiger says "Wait me, too" and blesses St. Nirupa Roy. And yes we have a nasty General Dyer, and the Gen has an equally creepy son,Danny( Dan Dhanoa), who runs the concentration camp, where they drain the blood of the workers.  Needless to say our Danny Boy now wants to marry our Latina Dominatrix turned Gypsy Girl, Ruby, who now is in love with our desi Alpha Mard. And there is a strange  character called Melton, who looks half Chinese, half Mongol.

At the end of the movie, it left me with the deepest Dharam Sankat, was this a movie about freedom struggle?  Or was it about super animals?  Or was it about a Mard who is a Mard, and a heroine who is more of a Mard?  Or was it, about Roman Gladiators?  Or was it? Oh anyway forget it, all I know is that it was a movie.