Feb 20, 2005 07:15 AM
3236 Views
(Updated May 18, 2005 08:48 AM)
Below is my dictionary of different types of motorists, vehicles, car devices, and incidents one might and probably has encountered as a driver.
Tailgater - A motorist who is magnetically attracted to your car's rear wheels, bumper, and in some cases he comes close enough to even observe the contents in your backseat. He can also be called a road stalker.
Speed Devil - a motorist who is driving at ungodly speeds. The road belongs to this person, so you better get out of his way. Some obvious characteristics of Speed devils: engine is usually loud(goes something like vroom vrOOM VROOM), and the motorist emits dangerously high levels of testosterone that you can actually smell in the air. Due to some strange road phenomena, these devils will always somehow end up driving BEHIND you.
Road Turtles - A motorist who should be walking, or at the most riding a bicycle with training wheels instead of driving. Due to another strange road phenomena, these turtles will always(without fail) end up driving in FRONT of you.
Horny Idiots - A motorist who just cannot keep his hands away from you know what, and disturbs the peace of all and sundry. Horny idiots tend to rise in number and intensity during rush hours due to some mysterious alien force that possess the souls of these idiots.
Cool Motorcyclist - A person who is 20 vehicles behind you and then out of the blue pops up in front of you and in a dizzying pace zig zags his way 20 vehicles ahead of you all in a blink of an eye. Watch out for this guy!
Car - A machine that will take you places. A car can also be used as a status symbol for status seekers, and one can also find an attentive friend in it if one regularly talks to it and calls it by a name.
A Car accident - A nightmare which is ALWAYS the fault of the other motorist. Sometimes car accidents can be intense enough to cause you to forget your other woes, along with your name and your zip code.
Pedestrian - A person who always seems to have the right of way in the U.S., but only has the right to pray in India.
Accelerator - A pedal used to control the speed of the vehicle. An unwritten rule of the road: Accelerators always get slammed all the way to the floor especially when traffic light is yellow, and when a motorist does not want to be overtaken by another motorist.
Brakes - A device that should be used to slow down or stop the vehicle as needed. However, if you are neurotic, psychotic, sadistic, or all, then you should apply the brakes every 2 seconds to annoy the hell out of the motorist behind you, and make him want to pull out his steering wheel in a fit of intense rage and throw it at you.
Rush hour - A state of traffic in which one has a lot of time on hand to become philosophical and ask oneself questions like the following: Who am I? What the hell am I doing here? And is there a God? One can further kill time during rush hour by contemplating how different people would answer a question. For example:
QUESTION: IS THERE A GOD?
Normal religious person: Yes, I have faith in God.
Atheist: No, of course not!
Religious fanatic: Yes of course, and you better believe it or else you will burn in hell for eternity.
Arrogant doctor: Yes, you are looking at him.
Nihilist: Who cares!
Hamlet: To believe or not to believe, that is the question.
Schizophrenic: Yes! God speaks to me all the time.
Child: Yes, my mommy told me that he lives on a big fat cloud.
Agnostic: Is there a God? God only knows!
During rush hour, one can also create deep-meaning poems like the following:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Life is a nympho
With so many to screw
If one is stuck in traffic for eternity, then instead of the above suggested tips, one can do something productive like finish up reading Tolstoy's War and Peace, or even better throw the fat book at the horny idiot behind you to shut him up. BEEP BEEP!
