Jul 01, 2003 01:53 AM
2012 Views
(Updated Aug 18, 2006 11:24 AM)
Did you realize that bipolar disorder is believed to be caused by over stimulation in your brain? Did you realize that bipolar disorder is like a time bomb ready to go off inside your brain and is set off by emotional and physical stressful events in your life? Do you understand that Bipolar Disorder can lead to compulsive gambling, hypersexuality, and substance abuse? Were you aware that they are over two million people in the United States alone that are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?
Well if you didn’t know any of that information, I just
made you more aware hopefully of what BiPolar Disorder can do with your life, that you are not alone, and what scientists believe cause it.
On April 22, 1992 I was raped at my highschool by a star athlete. It was this event that became my own HUGE “timebomb” to onset my Bipolar Disorder. However, like many people out there, I was misdiagnosed and was left untreated up until about four years ago. If you do go untreated for the disease, then it can get worse and in my case it did. After I was diagnosed properly I started on one medication which I never took consistently and finally just stopped going once I felt somewhat normal again. This is one of the biggest problems with bipolar patients, they hate to stay on their meds.
It is now four years later, I am on five medications and haven’t worked since October of 2002. I slipped into severe depression in October of 2002 and self-mutilated my body so badly that I couldn’t return to work right away. Then I just didn’t go back. Another common thread is that Bipolar patients have trouble keeping a steady job. It has always been a struggle for me. I have been in therapy and seeing a doctor since November of 2002 through the state. I have not been able to find the right medications foe me yet and I am hopeful that someday I will come to that point.
It is extremely frustrating to try fifteen medications and experience their worst side effects from vomiting uncontrollably to have migraines that were so painful the slightest movement hurt or even having diarrhea straight for a week where you couldn’t even keep water in you. This has been my experience over these past months and yet I still go back and try more, because I want something to stabilize my body.
In all of this time, I would have committed suicide if it wasn’t for my fiancé who keeps me leveled and grounded. If I have a rage attack and destroy our apartment, hepicks it up afterwards. If I cry throughout the whole night, he will hold me and stroke my hair until I finally fall asleep. If I panic at a grocery store, he let’s me just leave and gets me home as quickly as possible. He has been my angel and I know that is why he is in my life, to show me that unconditional love does still exist in this world.
Sometimes I have hypomania, which is where I feel euphorically high but it can also lead to coming down to suicidal depression. At times I have racing thoughts that just keep my brain on a sprint for a long time. Then there are moments where in the middle of the night I hear voices and sounds. It is these times that I feel absolutely crazy, but my fiancé reminds me that I am not. I have been through the hypersexuality, the compulsive gambling, the substance abuse, and even several attempted suicides. I am still here though surviving and coping with this every day.
Some days I feel okay and others I can’t get out of bed. I won’t leave my house very much unless it is for the market or the drs office. Besides that I am always indoors. I have paranoia now when I do go outside. I have watched myself get worse and sink into the worst depression I have ever experienced in my life. I promised my fiancé that I would not cut myself or attempt suicide and I will stick to that promise.
Bipolar, like rape, can seep into every facet of your life and for some even destroy it permanently. I just take it hour by hour in hopes that one day I will feel normal again.
Thanks for listening
K Parsons
©2003
