We'll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!. Review on Kal Ho Naa Ho

My evil cousin hacked into Shahrukh Khan’s email id and extracted this rather enlightening email sent to him by his dear friend Karan Johar.

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Hi dude,

Its been suchhh a looooongg time since we last spoke this morning. But since you are going to Timbuctoo for a shoot I cannot contact you on the phone. Hence this mail.

I’ve just thought up a groovy film just for you (but naturally). The entire movie will be shot in New York. We’ll have fun. Mazaa Aayega!

This time the hero’s name will be Aman(I know you like the name Rahul, but dear, what to do – I can’t bear to hear the snickers that you get everytime!). Aman will be a cute, lovable, adorable young guy (only you can portray all these descriptions perfectly) who is suffering from a terminal disease (haven’t thought of what exactly – but that’s not important). And he’s taking treatment from his doctor. I am planning to cast Sonali Bendre as the doc– anyway she is lukkha nowadays and she is already in US, so we save on the boarding and lodging. And we will take a photograph of you and Sonali in a lovey-dovey pose complete with wedding gear, so as to mislead everyone into thinking that you two are a pair. Very convenient isn’t it. (Dad says its absurd - why would a lady doc pose with a patient like that – but then, the audience is not as smart as Dad. So chalega!) We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Ok, so what we’ll do is we’ll make you and your mom (Reema Lagoo has promised to come to New York). You both will be staying at your chacha Dara Singh’s house. Now Dara Singh has a neighbour, Sushama Seth, (Lajjo Kapur) with whom he keeps exchanging romantic glances. Now I wanted Sushama aunty’s character to be very irritating (she’s is so good at this) but since she is such a lovable person, I am adding two other irritating characters as her sidekicks (free actors, Kamini Khanna and Shoma Anand coming for a free NY tour). Ah, the lure of NY!!! Ok, what they will be doing is nearly driving the audience out of the theater with their screeching cacophony. Isnt that hilarious!! We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Lajjo has a family of her own. Jaya aunty (Jennifer Kapur) who is her bahu is a Catholic married to a hindu. Jaya aunty wanted to try out a Catholic mom act – after her muslim mom in Fiza and a Hindu mom in K3G. So I had to oblige. Jennifer has a daughter, Preity Zinta (Naina Catherine Kapur) and a pre-teen son and a 5 year old daughter. Now this last daughter is actually Jenny’s husband’s illegitimate child whom she has adopted without letting anyone know. Isn’t that a supreme sacrifice. And her husband, seeing this sacrifice, feels guilty and commits suicide. So sad na, I can already see your tears!!! Jenny and Sushama aunty constantly bicker over little things, since Sushama aunty does not know of the background of her son’s suicide and blames her daughter in law.. The resultant tense atmosphere permanently in the house turns Naina into a morose dull character (symbolized by the lifeless looking spectacles that I’ve picked up the Kala Ghoda market). Of course your character, despite the illness, will be lively (like you naturally are). We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Now we are also having a subplot as well. We are getting Saif (after DCH, his stock is up, so he’ll be useful). Saif (Rohit Patel) will be acting as a US based Gujju who is Naina’s classmate in her evening MBA classes. They seemingly have a platonic relationship but beech beech may thoda romantic bhi hota hai. (Don’t worry, I have enough romantic scenes planned for you dear – you know dream sequences etc) We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Then the plot is simple. You use your charm on everyone around and everyone falls for you – except Naina. So you start irritating and harassing her at every given opportunity until she falls in love with you. (This form of romance worked for you in Chalte Chalte did it not?) But, but, you have a terminal illness – so you mislead her with the “Sonali is my wife” story using that photo. Then she goes crying to Saif. Saif is silently in loves with her. So you help Saif woo her using the 7-day plan. I’m planning to get a lot of friends like Uday Chopra to come in and make the announcements like Day 1, day 2 etc. We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Of course the ending is tragic (atleast for me since you will be dying). But even then we are going to have a lot of comedy scenes. We are getting Satish Shah and Ketki Dave as Saif’s Gujju parents so that we can stuff in some crude Gujju jokes – remember the ones you sent me on SMS (e.g. saying “hole” instead of “hall”). All the other characters in the movie are Punjabi (as they always are) so we can poke a few jibes at the Gujju community. We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Also, there are some other trivial characters like Delnaz Paul and Lillette Dubey as the Kapoors (the “oor” instead of “ur”). Now these are 2 nympho sisters living in the neighbourhood and their postman gets confused between the names of the 2 families and keep exchanging their letters. Very convenient – so in the end you can go to their house, open up a letter addressed to Jennifer Kapur and let out her carefully kept secret to the whole world. Brilliant isn’t it?

Don’t worry – there will be a customary shaadi byaah ka scene where you can wear your lucky dupatta wala sherwani. And I’m conning Kajol and Rani to show up as guests for the wedding. Innovative idea don’t you think? We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

I only hope Saif doesn’t overshadow you – he’s getting better nowadays and popular too. But you will have the audience’s sympathy. I’m getting Shankar Loy and Ehsaan for the music – another DCH influence. And of course Farah Khanfor the choreography. And best of all, although I’m getting Niks (remember Nikhil Advani) to sign up as the director of the movie, the remote control will be firmly in my hands. We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

So, as soon as you come back, we will go to New York and start the shooting. Next year, I am planning to go for a complete makeover – you know going to a gym and pumping iron. Maybe even wax my chest. After that, maybe we can act together in future films. We’ll have fun! Mazaa Aayega!

Yours always,

Karan.

P.S. I hope you are wearing the pink see-thru shirt I gifted you on your last birthday. You promised – remember – today is “pink” day!