''Hence, the above triangles are congruent by the SAS test for congruency. Followed?''
The entire class, which was bored to death, muttered ''Yes, miss'' in unison. Except one guy who was busy gazing into the pupils of a female pupil sitting beside him. The guy's name was Raj Lalwani.
I yawned. But for the girl sitting beside me, the lecture was more boring than Ekta Kapoor's soaps and shampoos.
''The guy with long hair and specs sitting on the last bench, stand up.''
The teacher's shrill voice, which would have put Sooraj Barbaad Kiya's animated parrot to shame, distracted me. I raised my eyebrows, looking at her. She glared back. A poke in the ribs from Sonam (the poor soul whom I was staring at) made me realise that I was instructed to stand up.
''Last bench, did you follow what I just explained?''
''Mad. Stark, staring mad. Madam, are you feeling all right? I know that you are a good teacher, but honestly, do you expect even the benches of this classroom to follow the intricacies of geometry?''
Needless to say, my teacher wasn't exactly impressed by my reply. Since the most stringent of punishments had had no effect on me until then, the teacher realised that she would have to resort to third degree torture.
''You will be forced to watch K3G ... and Karan Johar will accompany you''
I screamed the way Amarr Upadhyay screams, with the hands going up and down like a kindergarten PT drill.
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I just couldn't understand. Firstly, the chap, if Karan Johar qualifies to be one, was wearing a ladies watch. Moreover, he kept showing it to me whenever he spoke. I guess he was showing the watch, why else would he constantly be flicking his wrist?
Karan Johar: ''I am so glad you came. (flick of the wrist) I love everyone who is named Raj or Rahul. By the way, how did you find my previous film K2H2?''
Me: ''Well, to say the truth, I couldn't understand what it wanted to convey.''
Johar: ''Precisely. (flick of the wrist) I wanted nobody to understand. After all, the tagline of my film was 'Kuch kuch hota hai, tum nahin samjhoge'''
The advertisements put me to sleep. I awoke and started screaming. I had mistaken Jaya Bachchan for a Ramsay bhootni. Some time later, I realised that Karan Johar was jumping like a kid who was about to buy a toy. I soon realised why. Shah Rukh was about to make his entry.
Me: ''Why did he have to alight from a helicopter?''
Johar: ''I consider Shrukie, er, Shah Rukh, to be the master of vehicles. He has been in aeroplanes in 'Chamatkaar', ferry ships in 'Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa', a car in 'Pardes', a bus in 'DDLJ' and a train in 'Dil Se'. Only a helicopter was unexplored, so ...''
Suddenly, the earth started shaking. The audience panicked and everyone was about to run, thinking that an earthquake had struck, until we realised that it was just Kajol, making her entry.
Me: ''Why is she shouting like Sunny Deol?''
Johar: ''I wanted to make her as repulsive as possible, so that Shrukie does not like her in this film after making me jealous in Karan Arjun, DDLJ and K2H2. But, Shrukie baby ditched me.'' (removes a pink handkerchief and wipes a tear)
He removed another handkerchief, this time, an orange one, and offered it to me, saying that I would need it. I sure would, if the movie continued to be this bad. But then, as the law of nature says, after sorrow, there has to be happiness. Kabhie Khushi, Kabhi Gham. I stood up in the theatre and announced that I would sponsor free soft drinks for all the poor souls who had come to watch the film. Why was a Sindhi being so generous, did you wonder? Because Alok Nath had died.
During the interval, I bought a couple of Anacins from the theatre, which had started keeping them in stock since K3G had released.
But then, after the interval, I had to, as Govinda calls it, control. Kareena Kapoor was exploding on the screen with nothing on (well, was there anything?) and I wished that I had some privacy to do what I wanted to, not two hundred geeks sitting around me, with handkerchiefs in their hands.
Me: Whoo, she is hot.
Johar: You said it. She looks so hot that for a moment, even I was aroused.
Miracles never cease.
To say the truth, I enjoyed the film for the first hour of the second half. Shah Rukh and Hrithik's camaraderie was amusing and well acted. Kareena's presence was a crucial factor, as well as 'You Are My Soniya' had me excuse myself and rush to the bathroom.
And then they all fall down.
An insult to our national anthem made me wonder whether I needed to stand up. Since I enjoy Eminem's music, I stood up, like all slim shadies are ordered to do.
Post-anthem, everyone started weeping again. The six actors, along with the two hundred people sitting in the audience cried. And they cried. And they cried.
And suddenly, they all imitated Alok Nath and smiled. The movie had ended, after all!
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One nightmare over, another began. Sonam forced me to tell her more about the torture. Here's what I told her.
I had no idea what was happening with everyone weeping buckets. I half expected Kapil Dev to flash on the screen, weeping hysterically and blaming some 'third party'. There are some enjoyable sequences, yet, especially the scenes between Shah Rukh and Hrithik in the second half.
Flaws abounded in millions. In a flashback scene which took place ten years ago, Bachchan operated cellular phones which have just come into the market and sung songs of films released in 1998. Yet, I do not consider them as major flaws, purely because it isn't mentioned that the original time frame is 2001. For all you know, the flashback scene may be taking place in 1999 (so that Bachchan knows the song) and the film is based in the future, in 2009. Another event that supports this theory of mine is that the World Cup '99 match between India and England was shown in the flashback scene.Wow, Karan Johar directed a futuristic flick!
I can understand how the pudgy Ladoo (who incidently, Johar claims, is a replica of his own childhood, yikes!) turns into the brawny Hrithik. But, I cannot understand how he grew an extra finger, while growing those muscles.
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The music of the film is inconsistent. Suraj Hua Maddham is brilliant composed and picturised, while You Are My Soniya is brilliant only because it features Miss Kapoor. Bole Chudiyan and Yeh Ladka Hai Allah are rehashes of Mehendi Lagaake Rakhna, and Deewana Hai Dekho is passe. The title song scares you in three different versions, each of which compete with each other to be worse. If you think that it couldn't get worse, Hrithik even dances to Wah Wah Ramji. Thankfully, all six do not jive to Dhik Tana Dhik Tana.
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Shah Rukh Khan is the life of the movie. The movie may have been abonimable, but King Kong, er, King Khan was effortless. His comic timing is immaculate and thankfully, unlike 'Chalte Chalte', he does not quiver and bite his lower lip, while crying. His entry may be highly melodramatic, yet is wonderfully shot and King Khan saves the movie and lifts it to a level higher than films like MPKDH and HAHK.
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I love this movie so much that I need the comments section as well! Move on to it!
