Too many thorns. Review on Kaante

To,

Sanjay Gupta

Director - Kaante

Subject: Please stop directing or making movies

Sir,

This is my second letter in the series of letters which I am posting to all the so-called self proclaimed good directors of Indian Cinema. A year ago, I sent a plea to Mr. Subhash Ghai after his forgetful memories (Yaadein) and its time now to write to you, sir, to remind yourself that your Kaante has far too many thorns to be seen about. I wonder then, why you didn’t call your movie Cactus, which in all probability would have suited your movie more. Think of it, your movie resembles cactus so much… a cactus in a desert gives hope that water might (I say might) be ahead; so it is with Kaante - I was left wandering for some kind of solace, which I finally found when the ending credits rolled.

In spite of your reluctance to accept that Reservoir Dogs inspired you, its simply clear that the Hollywood version has more than influenced your version. While the idea in itself was good, the execution just fails totally and completely. Somehow, it seems Mr.Gupta, that you were more lost in experimenting with your new found video camera and experimenting all kinds of jazzy things on it than concentrating on the content. Isn’t it why films have a cinematographer – so that the director does what he is supposed to do - direct?!

Coming to your bouquet of thorns, I simply fail to understand as to why you spend nearly 100 minutes on planning a bank robbery, and then devote less than 5 minutes to the actual robbery? Did you see the movie after you made it? It would have been clear to you that the most important part of the movie looks like the most absurd, stupid, erratic, incoherent and amazingly idiotic scene of the movie?! Why didn’t you see Aankhen? At least you could have learnt from it? Why, even the three blind men make the robbery more thrilling than the 6 buffoons manage to do! Are America’s banks so unsafe and so easy to rob – if yes, share some plans with me, please!

I wonder what were the police doing when our six buffoons practice shooting in broad daylight on a building’s terrace in open air? Was it also your idea to make your 6 buffoons to actually put on their masks after the security cameras were switched off? Would it have made a difference? And what was that when the six heroes (oops thieves!) come out of the bank in open daylight and then open their masks?! That was definitely a great humorous touch before the interval, though, may I remind you that it just looks stupid.

You may have shot the movie in Hollywood, Hollywood style, with all the jazz and look and touch and feel of it, however your underlying instincts are definitely Bollywood! Don’t believe me – then take a look at the scene you direct after the six thieves rob the bank and come out, only to face a herd of LAPD police! However, wait, true to Bollywood style, not one of them manages to shoot even one of six guys in broad close shooting range; however the opposite side manage to do the same effortlessly?! All right all said and done, the six discover in a shipyard hangout that one of them is a cop!

Don’t you think what follows next is simply a ridicule on logic? The six doubt each other of who the cop is, and actually try to find out! Whoa!! What was the real cop doing then? If he knew that the others had come to know that there was a cop between them, couldn’t he have just shot down them down – how I wish! That would have saved me 45 minutes which bore ahead! More again, the six buffoons don’t know how much money they loot, don’t trust each other with the money, and plan about killing each other, and then when it comes to sharing the booty, they are honest? Does Logic and Structure ever come into your scripts? If not, I recommend that you attend a basic class on logic in any third grade university. The ending is a sham, and apparently its very clear that you ran out of ideas, money, the actor’s and writer’s patience to get it over with and go on. Add to that you test the viewer’s patience too!

you also give some dose of sentimentalism which I am sorry, just doesn’t fit! The emotional angles of any hero falls flat and looks more forced than natural. And what was that patriotic stint by the gangsters about India? What did you prove? That even Dawood Ibrahim is a hardcore patriot when it comes to Kashmir?! Also Where did the mad sister take her birth from? A character who has a set of fathers definitely knows his sisters though! I attribute it to your already hackneyed imagination!

Some songs do provide the much needed relief from your regular ho-hum-drum-glum what-ever is going on in the movie. To your credit I must say that I didn’t mind Malaika Arora entertaining me in the end; rather she was almost too welcome to me! I didn’t mind either Mahesh Manjrekar for he too does a good job. I think he too should stop directing and start acting! Come to think of it – have you considered acting yourself? At least you could save yourself the brickbats that you made some of the worst Bollywood movies ever!

Finally, to end, I beg of you again, that you please, please, do stop making movies for heaven’s sake! We already had our share of horrifyingly stupid movies with the likes of Raaz, Shaheed, et al, that we are given with such a senseless, illogical, stupid, idiotic, crappy and foolish (see I also found out 6 adjectives for each of your characters as well as the film) movie. Also, please remember All that glitters is not gold. Same applies to movies as well – All gloss and style don’t make a good movie!

Thanking you in anticipation that you will finally stop making movies,

A disgusted viewer.