Third Degree Torture. Review on Janasheen

Excerpts from A Rendezvous with Simi Garewal

Guest: Feroz Khan, an unparalleled master in the art of commercial cinema-making.

Simi:Can you tell us in ''brief'' how Janasheen, your 4 labour of love evolved?

Feroz K:oh oh, I love briefs n so does Fardeen :-) Neway it was all a case of getting the 3 Ss - Style, Suspense n Sexin the right proportion. I was holidaying in Mongolia when I had this brilliant idea, u see - then one thing led to another and I had this wonderful script and thus was born Janasheen.

I wanted to tell the story of this sweet li'l 10 yr old kid called Lucky. I wanted to show the whole world how love has no obstacles in the form of age, religion or race - so I showed how much he cared for his neighborhood childhood sweetheart Jessica . Then I decided I needed to have some model parents so Lucky's father's character Virender Kapoor became a successful industrialist who had made all his money in real estate and music. But then there had to be the sympathy element too so I added Lucky's mom who was suffering from cancer. Since I had no budget constraints I sent them off to Australia to Martha, Lucky's aunt - Lucky for his studies and Mrs. Kapoor for her treatment. Jessica had to have a bad childhood so I made her father a tyrant who is killed by Max, Jessica's brother.

Hmm, years pass by, 12 to be precise and Lucky is now a motor bike champion in Australia, Virender is a grieving father in India and Jessica, now with a lot of oooomphh, is playing the violin at nightclubs.. Surprised eh ?? :-)) Wanna know wot happened ? Ok! Mrs. Kapoor had died and Virender had not even bothered to be with her in her last days. This had alienated Lucky so much that he had settled down in Australia itself. Jessica had now become Virender's last hope to lure Lucky back home. Very interesting nuh..Btw, that’s just 30 mts of the movie and need I say I have added 4 songs and 2 fights and that wonderful comedian ..Cool nuh ? And did I forget to tell you Jessica is partially blind ? How else am I supposed to get the audience to sympathize with her ?

ok let me not digress.

Then I had to get in the villain. Ever since I saw those early James Bond movies (off the record: like Goldfinger), i've wanted to create this menacing stylish villain, u know.. So here I brought in this underworld don with Afghani roots, Sabah Karim (off the record: loved his wicket keeping, u see, better than Das Gupta anyday hence the name) - Of course he had to have a strong side kick and a femme fatale (off the record: like Oddjob and Pussygalore in Goldfinger) so I created Sop Lang - a Hindi speaking Ching, so cute nuh, so that I could sell the movie in the markets of Eastern Asia (off the record: What Karan Johar does, I can do better) I also conjured up Tina, a drug snorting ''bitch'' who is a perfect ''lady''. I added a few scenes where Sabah Karim shows the world how ruthless he can get. By the way the movie is now 8 reels done.. Did I mention, add 2 more songs, 1 fight and 1 amazingly picturised bike race where everybody crashes off except Lucky coz he is Lucky :-) Like it ?? I knew it !!

ok, let’s get back to the story.

Now I wanted a classy emotional angle so I made Sabah Karim save Lucky from a dangerous murderous group. So Lucky now felt indebted to Sabah and almost accepted him as a godfather. Time for a complication. It was then that I decided Sabah Karim had to become enemies with Lucky's biological father, so I made him itching to covet Virender's property in India. Virender, had to resist and Sabah therefore logically had to assert his superiority. It was then that I realized Jessica was missing from the scene. So I flew her down to Australia, made her play the violin, sing a song and brought her back videsh. Hey, by now I decided there were too many characters so got Sabah to kill Virender. Kachakkkkkkkk ! Kaat diya ! Flashhhhhhh ! Someone took a fotograph with an aim to blackmail later on - whos that ? Max (yayaya, Jessica’s brother) and Tina !! Brilliant touch nuh !! Hmmm !! 4 more reels gone !

With just 4 reels left, I forced Lucky to come back home, grieve for his father, sell the property to Sabah and return to Australia. I felt it was time Jessica got something in return so I made Lucky swear his love for her. However there had to be a twist. So I made Max force Jessica to reject Lucky. I also decided it was time for Max and Tina to die. So I just revealed the identity of the blackmailer. Songs, of course, add one more. Now I had to let Lucky know the truth regarding his father so I got Jessica to confess that she had watched SABAH murder Virender. Twas time for Lucky to flex his muscles so Sop Lang had to go. I had been thinking of having a spine tingling climax at some location where we have never shot before. Tried to get permission to shoot in the Great wall of China but the Commies objected. The Moon was ruled out as my budgets were now running low - So decided to shoot it at...No No, I cant give away the suspense...And hey, there is a flashback in the climax too.. So....

(turns to face the camera) Watch it today on the big screen. And NO PIRACY pls !

Simi:How did u decide on the casting and other technicalities ?

Feroz K:The script was the hero for me anyday. So when I was through with it, I just closed my eyes (off the record: like in Dil Chahta Hai) and voila , I knew who had to play wot part. I had to be SABAH, Fardeen had to be LUCKY (Hes really lucky, u know) and CELINA had to be Jessica. Of course, I did have intense screen-tests for all including the chimpanzee, tiger and the elephants that come in the movie.

Simi:So Khan sa'ab, what makes u think this film will work?

Feroz K:U r so naive, Simi. I have already made my money. The satellite rights have been sold to FTV, the costumes cost me practically nothing, and the songs were sponsored by the Tourism Depts of Australia, Thailand and Afghanistan. The action sequences were sponsored by Honda and Castrol, the music was sponsored by Penguin who have just released their book '' How to play the violin for dummies''. Fardeen obviously worked for free and Celina was paid for in kind (off the record: don’t ask how) Besides thanks to my mutlinational cast, the overseas markets are sure to rake in the moolah.

Simi:Wah, Feroz Sa'ab , wah ! Congrats on delivering a super hit !

(Clap clap clap)

The episode is over. Coments are welcome