T(r)ips and T(r)icks - Guaranteed by Suyog. Review on Improving Your Computer's Performance

I love computers. They resemble the closest proximity to Indian radios, which can be repaired by a mere knock-knock on its head, or body or any part which can produce sound. A computer is similar – you can actually improve its performance by banging on the side of the CPU to minimize the noise of the fan and probably adjust the CPU in its right place (heh!),  or maybe shake the monitor several times if your image goes blurry, or plain simple banging the computer too will help improve its performance.

Trust me, all of the above work (Unless they didn’t work, I wouldn’t be mentioning them here. Unless I haven’t tried them myself, I wouldn’t be mentioning them. [Appreciate my logic sense here]), and if they don’t you can put an email to me at xyzsuyogxhzhz@xhslah-19.com *(don’t worry; it’s a spam id anyways) *. Similar performance gains can be achieved by more or the less the same procedures when trying to improve system’s performance.

A great way to safeguard your system is to install a Firewall. Install the Zone Alarm firewall to make sure that no unwanted objects come inside your PC without your permission *(assuming of course you use internet – If you don’t you can still firewall to block something…there is always something) *. Then install either McAfee Antivirus to take care of the dangerous virus which may attack the system. Also install McAfee Firewall to monitor Zone Alarm. It’s a good idea to install AVG Antivirus also, just in case McAfee fails to catch a virus. Now to gain insightful improvement, also install a Pop-up blocker, an Ad-Blocker, a Spam Analyzer which prevents SPAM from reaching your inbox. Of course, finally an application which monitors all the above mentioned services and allows you to configure them. Whoa! Now we have a robust system in our hands.

Only thing, you did require a CRAY or Deep Blue, or a bare minimum of Param 10000s to make sure your CPU thinks you rule it (still). Point being, stop using junk programs which don’t help you! And for heaven’s sake, don’t use an Anti-Virus in the background – if there is a latest virus attack, well, chances are McAfee will provide an update after the attack! However, for the careful few who still like to thrive on floppies, well, it’s a good idea to* “check before use”* rather than “use and discover virus”. Point being – if you don’t want to check – disable the anti-virus! Same applies to all applications which you are not using constantly. Don’t use Ad-ware in background if you are not on internet – we are still far away from people invading your privacy wirelessly * [interesting thought isn’t it? What if you receive SPAM wirelessly? Will that constitute violation of “physical personal space?” Allow yourself to ponder!]

Now Windows for some reason loves to think it owns the memory. It finds unbound joy in using memory space for almost everything in this world for its quick launch bar. More still, companies love the quick launch bar – gives the “user” flexibility at the cost of “memory”. Go ahead and disable all services which you don’t want at startup. A Good way to start is typing services.msc in the command window (if you cannot open command window, you are not reading this heh! heh!) and going about it. Remember the golden rule when it comes to services not related to Windows(eg: McAfee) - * “If in doubt, fuk it”. [Of course, remember the reverse when it comes to Windows Internal Services – “If in doubt, stay clear(you may just invite Armageddon)”] *Next, don’t clutter the desktop *[needless to say, it first of all doesn’t allow the full private view of the female on the wallpaper, and secondly,  it eats memory] *Remove the icons you don’t use for aesthetic as well as well, system sense. Also, never allow your CPU to manage Hard-Disk by itself – its pathetic at that – All that your CPU wants to know if there is space to push in something and it will do it. Use a Disk-Fragmentor regularly.(Never understood the concept of a huge operating system, not doing one thing which will help itself – but then it wouldn’t call itself Windows, would it?)

However you may notice, your computer is still slow – did you read the requirements of software before installing? If Windows said it runs on minimum 300Mhz processor, what they really meant was 700Mhz. Multiply all requirements by 2.5 times (don’t wonder how I derived this figure – I exist, therefore its correct), and then see if miserable wretch of a computer matches the “new” requirements – if No, you did better install the older application or maybe buy a new computer. Either choice look great, the latter just is tad expensive. Keep your boot disk small sized – use partitions – don’t make one large 40GB hard-drive with just one partition C: - All you will C is more misery. Instead, keep the boot partition small (say 3 GB) and distribute space equally. And of course, for keep soul-keepers happy, don’t ever try to install Visual Studio .Net and Oracle 9i together on one PC [if you insist go ahead – they  both individually are demons who eat up nearly 6 Gb of space between them, and are always cursing each other’s memory spaces – only thing, you face the brunt] Keep Boot drive clean and sparkling – its not without a reason they named it Boot – (heh! See! What say soul-keeper, is me right?)

Of course, now your system must be relatively empty – now that you don’t have any applications, you don’t have antivirus, you don’t have services, you don’t have icons – well, you might as well ask yourself, what should I do with this idiot-box? Heh! That’s where you come in – install only those applications you need – monitor them – don’t let them go out of control – learn to use task manager – look who is eating memory. Unless you have doles of RAM, even a 100GB disk with 1GHZ processor is going to act sulkily. Of course if your system comes with around 512Mb of RAM, then you are in much better shape! Next, use windows tweaking utility called tweakui – search for it on the web, install it and use it – it’s a saving grace from Windows. Also, disable fancy animations, 3D desktops, 3D screensavers – Windows was never meant to handle such delicacies, and if you are artistic, please use Linux – it knows what it does better. Clear internet cache, system cache, and all other types of cache which Windows loves dumping! As a last resort, disable that damned indexing service of windows XP systems *(god only knows what it indexes constantly, and more importantly, what you search so frequently on your own system?)

Well, if all these things don’t work out, then you need some physical help. Do the steps mentioned in first paragraph. Still doesn’t work out, its time for a rough workout – open the nearest window, and with a swift motion of hand, throw the entire box out. Your new systems performance is guaranteed improved!