Jul 04, 2005 09:47 AM
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(Updated Jul 04, 2005 09:50 AM)
You may weigh just a ton and worry day and night about your growing waistline. Or you may be a smart fellow who wants to shed a few pounds to look smarter. Anyhow, here are ten great tips to reduce your weight.
1) Eat at least three to four meals a day. Always eat a big meal before you go to bed. Remember that you need extra calorie to run away from nightmares. Don't fast. It’s a gimmick popularised by a masochist called Gandhi in the 20th century. Don't keep your stomach empty unless you're going to attend a big party.
2) Include red meat in your diet as much as possible. It contains proteins and fat which help in building up of new tissues. It restores youth. If you don't like red meat, eat white meat cooked like that ‘‘finger-licking good’’ available with KFC.
3) Don't eat vegetables and fruits. Vegetables are for the cattle and fruits are for the birds. We are the better species that is technologically intelligent and knows how to cook food. Eat any flesh that is cooked. Take it from the Pilipino and the Chinese. Don't leave anything that walks on four legs. Taste the delicacy of fried spiders, caterpillars, worms, and snakes.
4) Don't drink water. As I've mentioned earlier, it’s for the animals and the birds. With better intelligence we have produced soft drinks like the coke and the artificially flavoured and sweetened fruit drinks. Drink them as much as you want.
5) Don't go for a walk. Don't even think of yoga. Walking and running are for toddlers. Yoga is for some sceptical ascetics. Wise men shun away from both as the MLAs keep themselves away from their constituencies. Travel by a motor vehicle. Bicycles are for hawkers.
6) Eat at least two eggs a day. It will keep you fit as it contains all the vitamins. If possible eat it raw or half cooked. It will help the transport of some good looking bacteria called the salmonella into your body. It will make you immune to typhoid. Please don't eat the egg white. It is tasteless albumin. Beat two yolks together to get the required amount.
7) Always keep something edible in your mouth such as nuts or toffees while you're working. Remember that your jaws also need some exercise.
8) Spend all your free time in front of a TV watching soap operas. Keep a basin of fried chips and peanuts handy for refreshment. Be happy. Be cheerful. Don't take any other responsibilities like taking care of your children, talking to the old people in the house, and reading a book(that’s for the 19th century daydreamers).
9) Eat as much as chocolates, ice creams, and French fries. They are delicious and required by your body to make you prematurely hypertensive and diabetic. Enjoy them between your big meals.
10) Don't listen to your doctor when he tells you that you are overweight. He is trying to snatch money from you. Don't do any tests he has advised you to do such as checking your cholesterol and blood sugar. He is simply jealous of your extra fat. The number that you have just seen on his scales tells you only the greatness of your girth. After all your aim is to look somewhat like a Sumo wrestler.
Follow these steps steadfastly and you will never have to worry about your weight anymore. Hope to meet you in heaven!
Thank you for reading. Hope you've enjoyed your snack in between.
