Dec 11, 2004 02:49 AM
1920 Views
(Updated Dec 11, 2004 03:03 AM)
How to deal with stress? Stress in itself is a very broad term. There are innumerable causes of stress among the people in this fast life where a father doesn?t have time for his son, a husband doesn?t have time for his wife, forget relatives when even the members of a nuclear family aren?t having enough time to communicate with each other!
In this review I?d like to lay emphasis on a particular kind of stress - marital stress. It?s the stress experienced by one or the both partners due to disgruntlement in their married life(because of one or more reasons).
For instance, take the example of Preeti, a housewife in her mid thirties. Hers was a love marriage. She had seen dreams of a rosy life after marriage. She really loved her partner and sacrificed everything for him. She married him against the wish of her father. She gave up her career so that she can spend more time at home and take care of her household duties.
Initially she was very happy, as her husband also used to take very good care of her, just as she expected. He never used to leave her alone at home and spend most of his time with her. But after the first child, he wasn?t the same man as before. He started screaming much more at her, for no fault of hers. Started drinking more and hardly ever spent time with her. In the morning he used to go to office and after coming from there went out with his friends and came back late night. Gave no time to his wife and child. Preeti is now alone at home whole day.
With no one to talk to. No one to share her feelings with. She even haves her dinner alone. Whenever she tries to bring up this matter to him, he never takes her seriously. And if she really tries hard to get her point across, he gets angry and starts screaming! None of us can even imagine, the factual extent of stress she is going through right now.
Problems between spouses
How can a relation that had all the ingredients of a fairy tale love story go wrong all of a sudden? First thing that needs to be done is to get out of your world of illusion(which is perfect). Nothing is perfect in this world(neither you nor your spouse). Actual Similarity is a lot different from Assumed Similarity(the extent to which two people believe they are similar in certain respects, as opposed to the extent to which they are actually similar). So after some point of time you will come across a few negatives of your spouse too, which you may haven?t seen earlier. Before marriage every one shows their best behaviour to impress the other one. Reality comes out after marriage only.
But similarity of ideas isn?t everything. There are some universal problems too. When we live alone we are independent but when we live together with someone(to satisfy our need of closeness) we have to compromise a lot to make the relation work. And sometimes these compromises are a big cause of stress among the couples.
Mutual decisions have to be taken on all major and minor issues like what to eat for dinner, who prepares it, when to serve it, whether to watch TV and which program to watch, whether to wash dishes or let them wait until the next day, whether to have sex right now or some other time! The keyword here is**?mutual?.
The decisions on all these matters should be taken by both the partners and it should satisfy them both. If any one of them decides to do his/her dictatorship, it may start the downfall of the marriage(unless, of course, you are an Indian housewife of 18th century, who will live?happily? no matter how her?God? treats her).
Each relationship has costs(factors that harm a relationship) and benefits(factors that enhance a relationship). The greater the number of benefits relative to the number of costs, the higher the quality of relationship. Costs and benefits both are of two kinds? intentional and unintentional. Here are a few examples:
Intentional Costs
(A). My husband criticized a relative of mine whom I really like.
(B). My wife corrected my grammar in front of other people.
Unintentional Costs
(A). I caught a cold from my wife.
(B). My husband kept me awake at night by snoring.
Intentional Benefits
(A). My wife told me she loved me.
(B). My husband complimented me on my choice of clothing.
Unintentional Benefits
(A). One of my husband?s relatives gave me a nice gift.
(B). I felt proud of my wife?s accomplishments.
Communal Behaviour is also a cost(for the partner performing the act) but it benefits the other partner and also enhances the relationship. E.g. I came to my wife?s rescue when she had car trouble. I went to a boring business function associated with my husband?s job in order to help him promote his career.
Reacting to marital problems
By my review so far it?s already pretty clear that the main cause of marital stress are marital problems. So to deal well with that stress one must learn to deal well with the marital problems.
When there are arguments or disagreements one must not focus on winning v/s losing or being right v/s being wrong. Marital disagreement is not a sport in which you need to score points and try to win. Always remember that your partner?s loss is your loss. You won?t win by his/her loss. Get rid of that?I? &?Me', start thinking in terms of?Us? &?We?.
Don?t avoid talking on any conflict. It will only worsen the situation. Talk it out in a mature way rather than saying or doing such things which make the situation inferior. Don?t lose track. Stay on the current problem only. Don?t bring out other irrelevant issues like why don?t you cook properly or why don?t you keep your shirt in the cupboard! This can only happen when there is intimacy in the relationship.
Another cause of marital stress is boredom. All long-term relations do become boring at one point or the other as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Thus, it won?t be a bad idea for couples to participate together in novel and arousing activities.
Thus, the bottom line is, that to get rid of martial stress you must strengthen your marriage. How?
CHECK OUT THE TEN TIPS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.
