Yesterday… A friend of mine committed suicide. She hung herself from her ceiling fan. Surprised? Why? Don’t you read it everyday in the newspapers? Don’t you hear it everyday in the news? Then why are you surprised to read it here? Maybe because, like all of us, you thought life could never be bad for your near and dear ones… Maybe you’ve just taken life too much for granted.
She was leading a perfect life, or at least that’s what we all thought. She was pretty, brainy, smart and sensible. Surely, oh surely she would be the last person to do such a thing right? Wrong! Why do we presume that just because she was prettier and smarter than us, she also led a better life? That she also had a stronger character? That she was also living upto her own expectations? Why oh why?
When I hear someone say right now. 'She's gone!'. I almost feel like wringing their necks, as if by their not saying it, things will be different! But just what do I do, I'm shattered.
Was it pressure? Was it stress? Was it the million expectations on her shoulders? Maybe none of us will ever know…. But one question will forever trouble us… Could it have been avoided? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I had such a long talk with her about the most irrelevant things.? Oh! If only I knew that was the last conversation we were going to have… I would have said so many things… I would have just talked her out of all this… But she seemed so happy! I had no reason to think she would ever do anything like this… I can only recall a few words of a beautiful poem I once read….
- If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out of the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute or two
to stop and say I love you,
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
But the point is, I didn’t know, did I? How come I didn’t know? Even though we might not have been the best of friends, how come I could never see it on her face? And now, all I’m left with, is this great void in my heart… not knowing what to feel, not knowing what to do. I feel so insignificant, so helpless, so guilty….
But this has taught me something. It has taught me never to take my life for granted. Never to feel jealous of others, whose lives look so perfect to me. It has taught me to value my own life. Now I know, that I would not even think of taking such a step in even my most impulsive moments. It has made me look back in disgust at those millions of times when I myself thought of doing the same, due to the most trivial of reasons.
Let’s face it…. There is no problem bigger than our life itself is there?!… I Know it’s all easy to say, but isn’t it true? I’m sure if she had stopped for a moment before doing what she did, she would have realized what all she would miss if she wouldn’t see this world a day longer… Were seventeen years all that she wanted to see of this wonderful gift from God?
Now, as I look back on this day, I realize I got worried about such small things. Not knowing a thorem in the math paper, not finishing faster than most others in the hall, not getting the dairymilk my friend ate, not wearing my watch to the exam hall, not having my ponytail in the perfect shape…… They all seem so trivial now. I almost feel like I’ve wasted those emotions, like I could have probably used the same time to say a cheery ‘best of luck’ to somebody, I could have said a small ‘thank you’ to my mum and bother for dropping me to the hall, I could have talked to my granny a little longer on the phone instead of cutting it with a hurried ‘Thank you, thank you, bye!’, I could have…. But the point is I didn’t!
When I see her family today, the terrible time they are going through, I almost feel a pang of anger… Did she think of them even for one moment? Did she know how much they love her. and that their life now will never EVER be the same again? Did she know her mother would almost kill herself with the guilt? Did she know, that after leaving, she would leave behind a hundred incomplete lives? I just wish she would have thought of it for just a moment…. And life would still be rosy! But the fact is, she was so bottled up, so depressed, that pehaps she only needed a final last trigger to pull it off.
When we hear the word ‘S-U-I-C-I-D-E’ today, I don’t think we even cringe at the sound of it! It’s almost become one with our vocabulary… More often than not, we see people using it in sentences like ‘Man, I feel like committing suicide at this very moment’. Do we care to stop for a moment and realize the significance of what we just uttered?!
As I write this article(review seems so inhumane a word), I also realize what a selfish person I am. I am writing this just because I want get over the tremendous emotional stress I think I’m enduring… without caring a pence for her family, for whom life will never be the same again….
For me, I guess the realization of probably never being able to hear the same voice, bask in the same smile and laugh at the jokes, has not sunk in yet… The feeling of never being able to see her in body and soul has not yet got to me… And I guess, somewhere inside, I’m hoping against hope it never will. I am such a coward.
:(
Aroo
PS: Why oh why. Do people commit suicide?
PS: I know this review might have been posted under the wrong topic, but I just couldn't wait to post it. I hope you all understand.
