The Driver's Handbook!. Review on General views on Indian Traffic

Why not me? If the undead and the illusion can do it why not me? After going through some hilarious reviews on Indian traffic, I think its time I penned mine too. Well, what can I tell you about Indian traffic that you don’t already know about or haven’t read by now? But I can give you great suggestions on Civil Behavior in Indian traffic. Follow these rules, and rest assured that you will reach your destination safe and sound.

1. Use your legs, not hands – throw away your traffic book which you used to pass the test. Use simple leg techniques instead when you are riding a two or three wheeler or those two and half two wheelers. If you want to signal right, then lift your right leg and wave it across. You may also consider kicking someone for the added effect. To signal left, lift your left legs and follow the same procedure that you did for the right. If you want to give the distress signal, try lifting left and right legs simultaneously; I am sure your distress will not go unheard or unseen or unappreciated.

2. If you want to take a left, be right – If at all there are lanes somewhere in the roads you are driving, being on right lane helps. The bigger the vehicle the better. At the point you want to take a left, decide its time to interrupt everyone and start taking the turn. If you are using a two wheeler, there is no fun – if you are driving a truck or a sumo, then it’s a grand idea to slow down to 10 km per hour and then negotiate a left turn. Take care, that wandering cow might just decide to go North when you decide to take left! At the appropriate moment, shut down the engine, wait for 3 minutes, start and then proceed. In between, also wave to the crowds who have stopped to see your honor passing by – they might not see you again who knows!

3. If you count, you are dead - A new system designed to help you is the counter method. It doesn’t matter if 6 looks like 1 in the digital format, as it really doesn’t matter if the counter works or not. If it does, great, you can measure taxi-second. That’s an official word mind you – it’s the time between the signals goes green and a taxi honks! What? Did you say 1 second taxi time? You must be dreaming. 100 Milliseconds? Are you nuts? 1 Milliseconds? you are crazy! Surprise Surprise! now you know those timers don’t’ show you time in Nanoseconds.  The next time you are a counter, think about shutting off your engine and gauge the looks which people give you. It’s the ultimate race of your life to beat everyone else to the count, and here you are walking a bullock cart at an F1 race? Tsk! Tsk!

4. Be environment friendly – Menaka Gandhi just doesn’t want you to stop drinking milk, she also wants you to avoid bumping into domestic animals of her likings – namely cow and the buffalo. In certain places like Ahmedabad – cows rule. Period.  Didn’t you know cows are the dear of Lord Krishna? What else can you do about it now? At times, a herd of cows can decide to form a global gathering in the middle of the road. You should appreciate the fact that(i) Cows are also serving as a traffic intersection much needed(ii) You are actually paying your obeisance to them by going around them. Take care, not to stamp the leg of cow with big horns – it is possible that It might decide to give you a fly just for kicks.

5. If it’s a One Way its probably a joke– You knew it didn’t you? Even when you were reading for the traffic test(if you did really!), then you know that there is no such thing as One Way. There are always multiple ways! You can take the one way, the opposite direction, or if you may please go perpendicular too. It doesn’t matter. Also, One Way streets provide good support for vegetable hawkers -  Its your duty not to(i) Even by mistake get entangled in the duppatta of a un-bothered lady flying by(ii) bump into a cow which in itself is negotiating steeling a Raddish from the hawker(iii) The kids / adults who have grown up believing that Damber is what they use on cricket pitches – no wonder most Indian cricketers have serious misconceptions when reading a pitch.

6. Manholes can be of any shape – If you think manholes are only round in shape, then you need a lesson on shapes and sizes of the world. It should not in the least bother you that someone has decided to lay his water pipes through middle of the road. You should of course not be bothered, if you see red green and yellow cables nearby. Rumors have it that Reliance is going to install the optical backbone by the year 2020. Its just that they haven’t reached your place. Also, if you happen to be in a place like Hubli, then you shouldn’t be bothered about seeing a new road tomorrow morning. Chances are, by the time you return, it may have been dug to bury a monkey which got burnt trying to do an acrobat by catching a live wire.( mind you, I have seen this happening in real life!)

7. Hail God! – did they say they are going to extend the road to improvise traffic? No problem. Get some people around, spread the rumor that some great lord walked that path, and its inappropriate to build a road there. Promptly, install a make-do temple and your cases are settled. Of course, you can also have a Pujari doing the puja there. In time, no one will notice the road gone by, and a new temple has arrived. Then decide to hold a maha-yagna where you will discuss why roads are not extended to make way for the traffic. It shouldn’t perplex you at all at such religious developments. You should take pride in the fact that the government respects religious beliefs and puts priority to them more than anything else.

8. Its Holi time anytime – If you like to eat Paan and other ‘juicy’ stuff, then you can play Holi on roads. Just turn your face to the right and with a clean aim, gush all your juices forward and let that color flow from the mouth! If you are lucky and if the other person too is interested, then you have a game on your hands! Do it a couple times more, then you have match. If you are sane enough and don’t believe in such wholesome enjoyment, you are insane. If you want to stay far away from them, its your choice to reach your destination late. Mind you, this game is tough – you also have to negotiate buses, cows and other obstacles while playing the game – not for the faint hearted!

9.Orchestra Anyone? – Feel like playing some music or hearing some. A beautiful gamut of sounds ranging from tring tring of the cycle to the whistle of the bus, just ensure that you are stuck in a jam. It doesn’t matter if everyone can see everyone that no one is able to move, and everyone is expecting someone to move, but expectedly, no one wants to move. You as a someone are not obliged to move for anyone – instead, you should honk and bark and cuss and scream that because no one is moving, everyone is stuck and if someone does not move then the blame for the jam should not come on anyone. Better still, avoid the complications, enjoy the music!

Well, these are some golden rules you need to remember while driving. If you fail to remotely follow anyone of the steps above then you are doomed to hell. Its not a matter of whether you will die by not following these steps, it’s a matter of survival and not causing yet another traffic jam. Once in the arena, unless you do know the tricks of the trade, you are the dead duck.

Happy driving!