Hallowed Be Thy Name. Review on General views on Indian Traffic

To write about Indian traffic is to write about the eighth wonder of our times. Actually its more than that, its like writing about a modern day miracle.And like all true miracles no one can stay unaffected by it. Not the big bus mowing down everyone who comes in its path, not the autorickshaw spewing tons and tons of black smoke into the air, not the cyclist driving at 5 km/hr bang in the middle of the road, no one. Absolutely no one.

It all starts with that stretch of tar/concrete/mud/whatever that is called a road. I don't know if this is part of some harebrained scheme but there seems to be a concerted effort to dig up the roads for purposes like laying optical fibres, repairing telephone lines, finding the center of the earth etc in the beginning of the day, and if possible at the beginning of the monsoon season. What this means is that the motorist now has to be very careful while driving. No looking one second extra at the cute girl who was in the bus stand and absolutely no glaring at the idiot who cut you off. Lose sight of the road and you might suddenly find yourself staring at the sky from the bottom of a pothole . or even worse you could be flying about as your vehicle hits a speed-breaker constructed from all the mud obtained from digging the roads. In hindsight I guess, its not such a bad idea to dig up the roads, it makes sure you have your eyes on the road all the time.

In addition to keeping one eye on the road, one has to keep another on the other people driving on the road. Don't ask me how to look at all the traffic signs( get yourself a third eye . har har). Anyways do watch out the sudden vehicle that comes in your way or the moron who suddenly realises he is going the wrong direction and makes a sudden turn and drives straight at you(at night and with lights off).

Among others watch out for the speed-maniacs who go whizzing by overtaking you from the right and the left. If you are ever in Bangalore and you see some guy on a bike cackling with evil glee and weaving his vehicle through traffic and being a general pain in the as. asphalt(gotcha), you know you saw me. All I can say in defense of my cackling is that when I drive, I tend to recollect jokes from the previous day's episode of Seinfeld or Friends or KSKBT. In case of KSKBT, I just try to remember a random scene. Oh, I forgot. My other defense is insanity.

One interesting thing I learnt early on about driving on Indian roads is the way the traffic rules are followed or not followed. For example we all learn in school(those who stay awake that is) that a red light means stop, orange means get ready and green means go(for normal drivers) or takeoff(for people like me). Now this is a classic example of how schools provide wrong info to the students. The reality on the roads tells me that red means drive slowly through the intersection, orange means drive a little faster and green means drive away to glory.

The most important part of your vehicle is the horn. Now what has been done out here in Bangalore is we have these traffic signals with counters attached which countdown from red to green. A sea of calm exists as long as the counter is above 10. As the countdown from 10 to 0 continues, horns all around beep in a cacophony of noise that'll put the Spice Girls to shame. I have spent a good part of my time trying to figure out this unique phenomenon. After being repeatedly 404ed in my search of a logical explanation, I have got a slightly illogical explanation. I reckon what people all around are trying to do is generate enough sound energy that'll create an immense pressure on the counter's internal mechanism leading to an increase in temperature that'll cause the counter to a) stop functioning as a result of its internal fuse getting blown or b) get frustrated and decide to skip the last few numbers and jump straight from 5 to 0.

In addition I have come across people who just can't keep their hands off the horn. So whenever they are not exercising their math skills adding 1 and 1 to get 0, they spend their time on the road with one hand on the horn trying to reach the magical figure of 75 short beeps/minute or 3 long beeps/minute[reference: Guniea's book of world records]. So what do we call such people - hornophiles or hornomaniacs or plain horny? English is such a flexible language!

Overall Indian traffic is an almighty mess with five sixths of the people running over the other eight ninths and two third of them surviving while the remaining one fourth end up as statistics. No, I will not tell you my math score. In addition there is way too much pollution. The cops are helpless because they don't have enough a)manpower b)vehicles c)free DVDs of Shawshank Redemption. What else can I say! Actually, I can say a lot more but I just found out that the MS word filter is pretty good.

Okay, I bet a lot of desktop(and workstation) patriots are now frothing at the mouth with anger . how could he say this abt Indian traffic or how could we concede 4 goals in 7 min or how can I get a Ferrari. Don't despair, folks. Grab a tissue, wipe the froth and listen to how I propose we get NY city from US of A. Ofcourse my proposal  pertains to traffic.

When I was in NY city(can't disclose the day and time for security reasons), I didn't miss India. Yeah I mean it. The chaotic traffic over there is amazingly similar to India. Snarling drivers, careless pedestrians, lots of honking. It was lovely wipes a tear And I thought we have a mini-India out here. So I wrote to the US govt asking them if India could have NY(now you know the security reason). Anyway then I returned to India, but the dream remained. And recently NY had a massive power failure. Happens out here all the time. And the best part is the mayor of NY blamed a foreign hand(har har), in this case Canada. Recognise a pattern? So, I propose that India take NY. All who agree with me raise your hands and show the signal for a left turn.

In return we can give US our very own Laloo Prasad Yadav. We tried to give him to Pakistan, but they returned him.I guess they are quite smart. But I am sure Bush'll want him. Bush is looking for Saddam and Laloo is good at spotting Saddams(har har). All who think my proposal rocks stand up and pretend you are driving a truck in a one way lane in the wrong direction.

As a parting advice, always wear a helmet. Protects the head, whether you are alive or undead.

Hallowed Be Thy Name is a number by Iron Maiden. Quite appropriate for the topic in hand. I do believe Indian traffic deserves a lot of respect. Its a mess but you have to respect it. Hallowed Be Thy Name. But its the ending of the song that bears a uncanny resemblance to how you should feel when you step out of your house and get down there, there on the road again.

'Mark my words please believe my soul lives on

Please don't worry now that I have gone

I've gone beyond to see the truth

When you know that your time is close at hand

Maybe then you'll begin to understand

Life down there is just a strange illusion'

Yes, its just a strange illusion. Where are my keys? Wheres the helmet? Is the horn working? Yes. Are the brakes working? Nope. Today's drive should be fun.