I hate to shop. Review on General Tips on visiting a Shopping Mall

I love the Holiday Season – the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas – for the spirit of sharing.

However, I also dread the Holiday Season – because of shopping.

Men hate to shop

Women love to shop

I hate to shop

My wife loves to shop

Personally I prefer to sit in front of the TV with a six pack and watch football. But “meri baat kaun manta hain”. Over the years I have learnt my lessons – some easy and some hard and presented before you are some words of wisdom.

Tip #  1:

Always keep a budget. At least in this department I feel I have some control – the wifey controls what to buy, I control what to spend. I have come up with the following formula and am waiting for the Nobel committee to contact me for details:

Budget=(Biweekly take home salary * number of children * square root of years you have been married) /(cost of six pack+ shortest driving distance to the mall in miles) / PI. I threw in the PI because it makes the formula look sexy.

Note 1: If you are not married, use the number of years you think you have before you tie the knot and by the way, what the heck are you going to the mall for.

Note 2: If you have no children, use the number of seconds you require to count backwards from ten  to one.

Tip #  2:

Choose a Shopping Mall.  Ummmmmmmm, which mall  to choose – actually there is nothing much to choose – drive to the mall as directed by the wifey.

Tip #  3:

Park the car as far away from the mall entrance as possible. This serves three purposes – your car will be safe from dents and paint scratches caused by doors being swung in a hurry. Also – this is the only exercise you will get, to reduce that double belly and triple chin caused by guzzling all that beer and cheese nachos. An indirect benefit is wifey will get tired even before she begins shopping – hee hee.(don’t say I said that)

Tip #  4:

If it is a new mall, it will be worthwhile to go to the information desk and pick up the layout of the mall. It is not that I am afraid of getting lost – I sometimes get these wild dreams where I have lost the wifey in the mall   – I wake up, smile and go back to sleep – that is some wishful thinking. The idea is to avoid all those pricey stores like Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth – these stores tend to attract you with free gifts of tote bags and wifey loves tote bags, not to mention that you end up paying for all the tote bags that have been doled out that day.

Tip # 5:

Locate the nearest food court – that is the best place in the mall. Continuously remind the wifey about the need to replenish those stores of energy – solid and liquid. At all points of time do not stray too far away from the food court.

Tip #  6:

Wear comfortable shoes. There is a lot of walking to be done. An undocumented tip – if possible, insert a small piece of paper in wifey’s shoes – that way she may get tired soon.(I am not allowed to do this anymore – that is a long story).

Tip #  7:

Carry a story book or some reading material even if it is a maintenance manual for a lawn mower. Invariably, wifey disappears for hours together – I sit by the ice rink or the water fountains – read my book and ogle at the passer bys.

Tip #  8:

Before paying the bill, check all the purchases and politely cross examine wifey as to why we need “more stuff”. The emphasis is on the word “politely” for you do not want to raise the water level of the local lake or river.  Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose, but there is no harm in trying.

Tip #  9:

Keep all the receipts in tact. You never know when wifey decides to return them. Do not show any emotions on your face(glee, happiness) when wifey decides to return “some stuff” – in fact try to argue for keeping the stuff  – this is one argument I love to loose. Before wifey changes mind, go and return the stuff.

Tip # 10:

If kids are accompanying you – dump them onto wifey so that you can peacefully pursue your ogling activities

'Wishful'  Tip

There is nothing like totally avoiding shopping malls and buying online. Main advantage is you can order online while having your beer and watching football. This is what I would recommend for all those yet unattached.

For all female MSians, substitute the word “wifey” with “hubby” as you like it and you should do fine.

Again I repeat – I hate to shop – Mouth Shut is the only forum where I can say this loudly.  Elsewhere, my Mouth is Shut.

Happy Holidays.