Intro
How can someone advise on Summer Season? What on earth can be advised on summer? Summer is magical, as some claim. There can be midsummer nights dream come true. A young boy once fell in love with an elderly lady in the summer of 69, which Bryan Adams yelled to a chartbuster.
The point is summer is important in one’s life.
For me summer is freedom. Summer is vacation. Summer is bachelorhood. Summer is home sickness. Though, summer is something that does not start with a “W”, but I like summer.
This write up is not an advice how to deal with summer. But what & how can be done when everyone else in the family dumps one, leaves him alone & enjoys their summer vacation. Over the last 8 years I am into this one month’s kingship. I will try to summarize some useful tips for people who may encounter similar situation.
I think the following people may get benefited from this write-up
People like me(I exactly can’t define what that means)
Married but want to be a bachelor again.
Bachelors who are thinking of getting married.
Wives of people in Sl # 1.
This review may not be useful for
A. People who are not like me( opposite to Sl no 1 above)
B. Disorganized people.
C. Teetotalers.
D. Spinsters(ladies) who stay alone.
Once again, these are my personal experiences & any resemblance with any person living or married is purely coincidental. I had to write this review now, because as days go by, feeling of freedom tends to fade out gradually & a strong sense of vacuum engulfs the mind.
Things to do…
Enjoy the freedom
Initially the hard earned freedom needs to be enjoyed.
I normally do it by picking my nose in the living room, sitting on the sofa wearing a towel with beer in a bone china coffee mug & watching a B-grade Hindi movie like “Purana Mandir”. I also occasionally scratch various parts of my body including my(eye) balls.
To add more drama, I wear those shorts & torn baniyans which my wife kept aside to donate it to our maid to recycle it as duster & mop.
*Collate the survival kit
*It is important to keep the emergency ration & useful stuff ready & within reach. Emergency ration for me includes a litre of OM(now litre bottle is rare to get, but fortune favours the brave), a crate of Kingfisher premium, a dozen eggs, 3-4 packets of Maggi Mania, a carton of Gold flake(small) & some rubber bands.
Contrary to popular belief, eggs are man’s best friend(no pun intended here) after frogs & dogs!
*Economize
*Remember the freedom is temporary. Wife will be back and ask for the ledger accounts. So the cost of OM & beer needs to be compensated somewhere. The best way to cut expense is to avoid cooking & eating at home. Call up good friends, preferably the married ones and brge in for dinners. A time will come when friends will get too busy to answer your call. Then shift focus to the neighbors. Look weak & depressed when they ask you whether you need any help. My nearest neighbor(the one who used to receive my reliance bill for over a year) was sweet enough to offer me tea once I was back from work at 12:15 AM. But I declined. I felt vulnerable. Her hubby was not around, she was in her night suit and I have seen Pyar Ke Side Effects which elaborated on meaning of “drinking coffee”.
When neighbors stop treating you, retort with Maggi & eggs. I don’t have any solution for veggies. But I won’t advise them to eat the money plant or other indoor plants which is adorably nurtured by their wives. Similarly, taking the colourful fishes out of the Aquarium and eating them, is not advised.
Another area to economize is to avoid washing clothes. Follow the “law of comparative cleanliness” here. It’s simple. When you feel your clothes are dirty enough, don’t crumple & throw them in the basket. Put then neatly in a hanger & take another fresh set. A time will come when the present clothes will become dirtier that the previous ones. Pick up the previous ones and wear. I have successfully done this using strong perfumes for nearly a month.
*Take possession of the house
*Now house means the important & useful things in the house- namely, Computer, TV with the remote, fridge and the tape-deck. Rest all is useless. It’s better not to venture into other stuff in the house like cup boards, kitchen cabinets, washing machine, gas stove etc. If you try to use the gas stove, keep the kitchen tap open & water running on the floor, when you leave the house. In case of fire this action would be helpful.
*Some rules
*1. It was written in the Bheja fry book that telephone rings only when you are alone and in the loo. What is not written is that if you come out nude to pick the phone, the calling bell with ring. So always keep a towel/ bathrobe in the living room.
2. When planning to take bath, disconnect all phones & switch of the mobile. Else you will never be able to take bath. Once I dropped my handset in the potty, trying to multitask. Fortunately, it revived, I mean the handset.
3. Don’t be extra polite & friendly to the maid- asking how many children she has, whether her husband is a drunkard or an eccentric etc. There’s a chance that she will ask for a hike when your wife is back. Best way is to stay poker face and lie on bed covered up from head to toe, while she does the cleaning. The probability that, she will finish her job faster, is higher, this way.
- When a mass cleaning of the house is required call for a Pizza party and invite few good friends, preferably bachelors. Treat them with buy one get one free pizza and a horror/ porn movie after they do the cleaning up. You may get busy watering the plants, cleaning all the leaves separately with lukewarm soap water. Keep some dry leafs tied with rubber bands as a proof of your effort.
*Some don’t’s
*1. Open wife’s cup board. Avoid shock.
- Ride kid’s bicycle.
3. Baby-sit neighbor’s kids.
4. Watch movies like Silsila, Main Mari Patni Aur Woh or Red.
5. Date unknown babes or other Indian females.
6. Try to clean the kitchen or fridge. or paint the house.
Open the windows.
Buy condoms.
9. Use a binocular to look at the neighborhood. Use a 32 x optical zoom digital video camera.
- Talk to yourself when alone. You may feel like Robert De Niro in Taxi driver, but actually you are are making a fool in front of the mirror.
If my wife reads this, this is probably my last review. If my neighbor reads this I have to look for a new house to relocate.
So far so good.
~fi-ni-to~
