Always travel with LIFThansa. Review on General Tips on Giving Lifts

Hi, I'm Psyxx. It's not my real name or anything but it sounded weird enough to adopt. It's 3:30 a.m and a Friday. I always write a review at 3:30 a.m on a Friday. It's a time honoured tradition passed on by my great grandfather to my grandfather, who passed it on to my father, who passed it on to me and I don't think I'll survive long enough to pass it on to anyone else. Thank God for large mercies.

I confess. the half empty bottle of Baileys is the source of inspiration for this one.

This review is broken into convenient sections which you can read, print and stick on your fridge for daily perusal.

A Lift: A lift is another word for an elevator which is another word for a lift. A lift is also a process of elevating something that was firmly grounded and minding it's own business. A third kind of lift is the act of generosity of letting someone mooch a ride in your vehicle, without paying for the fuel(if you take money then you become a taxi driver)

The lift that we're gonna explore today is the third kind.

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*How does the whole thing start?

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Normally it can start before a journey or in between but never after. You cannot give a lift to anyone after a journey because you aren't going anywhere yourself.

A person requesting a lift can use traditional methods such as asking, pleading, begging, groveling, crying etc. They can also use cooler methods like showing a leg(tried that one once but a truck ran over my leg.) or the best technique of them all. jabbing a thumb in the direction in which you want to go. Hitch hikers all over the planet swear by that one.

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*So, what to expect if you are giving a lift?

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The Sincere:Genuine people who just want to get from one place to another. These people normally thank the people afterwards and go on with their business.

The Serial Killer: This person has been immortalized by the Doors' song Riders On The Storm. "if you give this man a ride. sweet family will die".

The Financial Guru: This person knows all about wealth management and accumulation and you will play a vital role in the accumulation part. He or she will make sure that you travel light(which is a great piece of advice if you actually took it seriously before leaving home). After they rid you of some articles that you possess, they will cut their trip short and head for a new destination. If you are having a bad day, the financial guru will take the car too.

The Lecher:Will keep staring at you or another co-passenger throughout the ride. If you are lucky, it would be your face that they are staring at. Most times, they use the rear view mirror to stare. The Lecher's close cousin is the Stroker. watch out for hands and legs that seem to have the extension of a giraffe's neck and access to prohibited areas.

The Giggle Machines: Will laugh at anything or everything you say. even statements like "I think the brakes just failed and we're about to go off the cliff" will result in peals of laughter.

Anatomy Woes: So you gave this person a lift. You have no idea who they are. A few kilometers later you realize that the person you gave a lift is prone to motion sickness and has just redecorated your upholstery. There are other anatomy woes that I will refrain from mentioning.

There's a whole manual on this but I seriously don't know where to get it so will move on.

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*How to get rid of a problematic person you gave a lift to.

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There are several patented techinques that one can adopt to UNLIFT a person they just gave a lift to but the limited space does not allow me to reveal them all. So here's the most popular one:

Pretend the car is stalling. mess around with the Break and Accelerator. create an atmosphere of tension. yell and thump the steering. use foul language and then, tactfully bring the car to a screeching halt. Open the hood and pretend to fiddle with the stuff in the engine that you don't have a clue about. Proclaim that the car needs a good ol' shove and make the person you gave a lift to, volunteer to shove the car. Get inside and do some more theatrics. When the time is right, start the car and drive away leaving the hitch hiker stranded in the middle of nowhere. -

*Finally, the nifty advices on giving lifts.

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This is what you waited for. Sorry it took so many paragraphs of drivel to get here.

1. Inspect the person you are giving a lift to. if its a pretty girl or a hot guy. ask for phone number. Claim that it's for verification or background checking or something.

   
   




2. Use your keen eye(if you have one) to inspect their luggage etc. For all you know they might be carrying drugs or a briefcase bomb. Don't use your keen eye to inspect their anatomy though. there's a small probability that you might get slapped.

   
   




3. Confucious says "A lift during the day is safer than a lift during the night. because nights are darker than the day". dont ask me. ask Confucious.

   
   




4. Do a quick BREATHELIZER test(in Karnataka, this is called the FOO MAADI technique. ask the person to do a FOOOO on your face. i.e. exhale). If the breath reeks of alcohol, just give an excuse and drive off.

   
   




5. Here's the best tip of them all. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND BE SAFE. Most times, a good intention is what leads to all sorts of woes.

   
   

I've run out of Baileys and lost my train of thought.

~Peace~