BRINGING UP CHILDREN. Review on General Thoughts About MouthShut

No task is as important and at the same time as neglected as bringing up children properly. As a counselor I have seen numerous parents bringing up their children in a manner they felt was conducive to their growth and well being, but which obviously was not as the children did not turn out well. Many have rushed to me to find out what went wrong; quite often they were too late to repair the ravages wrought by their misguided notions. What I say now may annoy a few parents, but I must say it at the cost of incurring their displeasure. Many parents had no business becoming parents in the first place.

Many parents spoil their children by providing every thing that the children ask for. They spend a lot of money on their kids to indulge their every whim. They send them to expensive Private schools and many of them turn out to be snobs. They acquire habits that would shock their parents and society and ape behavioral patterns that are alien to one’s culture. Parents ask the question, “where did we go wrong. We have given our kids everything that they wanted….”

Yes, they gave them everything they WANTED. However they did not pause to ask the question whether they had given them what they NEEDED. Providing what a child wants is easy. The second one is difficult and time consuming.

Most parents work in professions that take up most of their time from morning till night to provide a high standard of living to the family. They are tired at the end of the day and drag themselves home, eat a hasty supper and after watching the TV for a while head for bed. Mostly their children are already in bed when they reach home. Even if they are not, conversation between them is minimal. These children are almost strangers to their parents. On Sundays the parents come alive and “spoil” their children by spending a lot of money on them by eating out, picnics and so on. Their feelings of guilt at not being better parents are assuaged. They maintain that they had spent “quality time” with their kids and feel that everything is okay with their world. When cracks appear in parent/ child relationship, parents run to counselors for help.

First five years of a child’s life are very important. They are a determinant of how the child will turn out as an adult. I always tell parents to keep their kids very happy during this period, showering a lot of love on them. In TA ( Transactional Analysis) we say that each act of love or words of endearment is a “stroke”, and this stroking is most important for a child. More stroking  a child receives, more loved it feels;  and it will have a sense of fulfillment. A child is an embodiment of love and loves whosoever gives it a lot of love. If it is a servant maid who receives your child’s love instead of you, then it speaks of what kind of parent you have been. This is the actual scenario in most homes and then parents howl when things go awry. The stroking that your child receives from you will play back in his mind like a tape and a happy child will grow up into a happy adult and  have fulfillment in later life, returning love in ample measure to his or her own child when he or she becomes a parent. Whatever problem a man has in later life can always be related to some unhappy event in childhood.

Hitler’s case is an interesting lesson for study. Born to an unwed mother who was working as a servant in a Jewish doctor’s house, he nursed a grudge against the Doctor who he believed was his father. His mother had been sent away by the Doctor discreetly, when he realized that she was with child. Hitler’s mother never told him who his father was; it remained a mystery. There were only a few surmises. Sensitive as he was, Hitler the child never received any stroking from a fatherly figure. He resented the absence of his father who abandoned him and his doubts regarding his identity snowballed into a hatred of Jews in general. If Hitler had a happy, normal childhood with his family, perhaps the History of Europe in general and Germany in particular might have been different.

Margaret Thatcher was a highly popular and successful British Prime Minister. But to her children she was an absentee mother. One of her daughters talks very highly of her father Dennis Thatcher as one who was always there for her and her siblings. Margaret was not reliable as a parent. Now that she has retired, this great Statesperson must be regretting the time not spent with her children. Things not done at the right time lose their value if attempted later.

Counselors who use TA always ask their clients questions about their childhood. That is the starting point for any therapy. Happiness that children have experienced and the love they have received from parents always have helped in their growth and also their transition from childhood to adulthood. One can only give what he has seen or received. To love and disseminate happiness one should have received it first as a child. Children are imitative. What they see registers in their mind’s eye and plays back several times during their lives. So let your child during its first five years only experience love and lots of it. A psychologist has opined, “the greatest thing that a man can do for his child is to love its mother.” Demonstrative love will leave an indelible impression in the psyche of a child. Children cannot be fooled in this respect. Similarly negative things will scar a child’s mind forever and make him incapable of loving and make a stone of his or her heart.

To sum up :

1. Give your child all the attention, love and time you can. Don’t just give “quality time”. Be there for them. They grow up very fast and might become strangers to you.

   
   




2. Give them what they NEED and not what they WANT. Teach them the value of money and how it has to be earned. Teach them to respect hard work and not lapse into easy living.

   
   




3. Teach them good values for growing up. Train them in good habits. Teach them to respect life. Don’t try to be popular with them. You are a parent with a divine duty.