Before we get down to discussing the concerned topic, let's first try to understand the topic. Since I bumped into my former Hindi teacher in a shop yesterday, my linguistic abilities have become as bad as hers. Which is why the topic is a little confusing to me at first.
Etiquette . gosh, this language is surely wierd! Some words in this language are so long that they would put the entire Sri Lankan cricket team to shame. In fact, when I was in Sri Lanka, Mutthiah Muralitharan threw(pun . ahem . intended) me the challenge that although I may be able to mug up the names of the Sri Lankan players, I will never be able to master the English language.
Now, if I was Navjot Singh Sidhu, I would have given him a reply that would have bamboozled him as I would have boasted that if I compete with the Queen (It's her English, after all), I would make mincemeat of her and be on a rampage. Just like an Indian elephant I would trample her like the elephant tramples a paddy field. After all, my linguistic capacity is so high that it can bring down an air hostess with it! I hope that the air hostess is good-looking though .
Truly, the only vice I have is that I make up stories . ahem.
Oh yes, another one is that I digress. I was talking about my Hindi teacher. She is just like Bindu in Main Hoon Na, apart from the fact that she does not call Matrix as Matric, probably because she has never seen the flick. She prefers Manoj Kumar flicks which are shudh desi ghee, er, films.
Whenever I meet this teacher of mine, my linguistic abilities go for a toss. And you do not need to remind me that I already said that. Even my short-term memory slackens, you see. I almost forgot what the horribly long word'etiquette' means. For help, I asked a few people the meaning of the word.
Saurav Ganguly: Etiquette means what we did on the final morning of the third test against Pakistan. We dropped 5-6 catches to earn the reputation of having a generous attitude. Friendship series, you know. In this way, we showed our etiquette by helping our neighbours.
Govinda: I joined politics and will consequently not act(?) a lot. That's etiquette.
Alok Nath: I died in K3G. Ab itne se etiquette dikhaane ke liye thank you keh rahe ho? Aap toh mujhe sharminda kar rahe hain, heh heh heh.
Er, dictionary.com (They paid me to promote their site, you know) defines etiquette as'rules governing socially acceptable behavior'. That is similar to Amitabh's ideologies in Mohabbatein - parampara, prathistha aur anushaasan, complete with a fixed stare and a mean glare. And before you think that I to become a poet dare (use of the figure of speech of inversion), I'll move on.
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Commercial Break
Paramparaparamparaparampara, my 100th review coming out later tonight . Pakao!
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Apparel & Seating.
Guys should stop emulating Salman Khan and wear a shirt when they visit a restaurant. And while you strike off Sallu Lallu from your role models' list, do strike off Govinda, with his yellow shirt, orange pants and pink belt, too. Girls, well, should not, er, I mean, should be dressed. The former option, when we meet next, ok?
And yes, if Aamir Khan is your idol, please avoid his Rangeela antics. Feet look best on the ground. You are not doing Uttana Kurmasana, you know.
Good Mourning.
Aamir Khan freaks, beware again, the waiter's name is not'Paan ki Dukaan', so do not address him as that, or as'Bina Terrace Ki Building'. You shouldn't be watching so many Coke commercials, you know. Address the fellow in a nice, polite tone which should be as saccharine as our dear fellow Nath(Alok, not the pouting Karan). It is more advisable to say'Excuse me' instead of'Squeeze me', unless of course, the waitress is a pretty female.
Eating.
Now, unless you are Ravana, you have only one mouth. So, don't try to stuff too much of food in it at one time. If you must talk while you eat (and you sure must, you don't want everyone to fall asleep), try not to spit out the food, though it won't be a bad idea to do so if you loathe the person you are dining with.
Drinking.
If you must drink (and you must, if you are not footing the bill), try not to smash the glass and stutter, 'Heyheyhey, K-k-k-kaun k-k-k-kambaqht bardaasht karne ke liye peeta hai, haan?' After all, as the Sanjay Suri's sexually obsessed neighbour in Jhankaar Beats preached, 'It's all about . control!'
Bill.
Ms. Lewinsky, please sit down again. I am not talking about Clinton bhaiya. Unless you want a job in the kitchen of a restaurant, try to pay the bill. While doing so, better leave a tip for the waiter. After all, he managed to tolerate you.
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And since you fellows managed to tolerate me, how about leaving a comment?
